The Universe Snaps Back

Alternate Title if this was porn: A Sucky Story with a Happy Ending

(Can't wait to see what kind of automated Google ads THAT brings up!)

Last night, I sent email to two people on craigslist that each listed a vacuum for $25. One was in Oceanside, the other in San Marcos. The San Marcos vacuum was red and a little older (but not more than 5 years), and looked like your normal modern-day upright that uses a bag. The Oceanside vacuum was a cool lime green, rounded like a Dyson (read: newer), it was bagless (read: better for the environment), and I got attached to the idea that I would refer to it as "The Green Monster" in honor of the outfield wall at Fenway (for the baseball-impaired, Fenway is the home of the Boston Red Sox - Go Saux!). I even planned to get a team sticker for it.

San Marcos called me back first, but I really wanted the green one from Oceanside so I stalled with an excuse and told her I wanted to check out some reports on the performance of her model before committing to it - can I call her back in an hour? Sure, she says.

A couple hours later Oceanside calls and I arrange to go get The Green Monster. I'm under the gun because I have to meet my landlady in an hour, and it would take just about that long to get there and back. I go anyway, but first I call San Marcos and give a lame excuse about saving gas and ask if I could come by Sunday on my way to Encinitas? Sure, she says. I also told her that if someone else was interested don't wait for me - I didn't want to be unfair - but I honestly didn't think anyone else would inquire because it was an older model.

The Jeep sucked down an entire gallon of gas going to Oceanside, much like I inhaled an entire bottle of Bolthouse Hazelnut Latte, my newest addiction (trying to replace Starbucks; the Mocha Cappuccino and the Vanilla Chai also rock). The guy brings Big Green outside to show me and it's this tiny little thing that looks like no more than the stick vac I already have (and the stick vac ain't cuttin' it, which is why I'm looking for another vacuum). It was like expecting a roar and getting a yawn instead.

I swear, in the picture it looked like a standard size, but I've been fooled this way before. Pictures are worth 1000 words, but they don't provide actual measurements. (Remember that next time you're looking at naughty things on the internet. You know who you are.) I even asked on the phone how many amps it had and he said 12 (which was the truth), so I assumed it had to be full size. It was certainly as loud as a full size. You'd think something like that would come with matching lime green, noise-canceling ear covers like landscapers wear so you can eliminate dirt and debris in style! What stick vac is 12 amps? That's like putting a 2HP motor on a blender! Oh wait, they do that.

Despite him promising that it worked just like a regular full size vacuum I said no thanks, that I couldn't afford to take the chance that it doesn't do the job as well as I need it to. So disappointing. I really wanted a Big Green Sucking Machine. Not a Small Lean Might Get It Clean.

So I pull around the corner from his house and call San Marcos to say, "Hey! Guess what? I found out I'm closer to your area than I thought and I was wondering if I could come by now to take a look at the vac?" But oops... someone else called about it [read: she had another person interested already and since I sort of passed, she called them] and they were on their way over. Crap. I so totally deserved that.

She promised to call me back and let me know if the guy took it, but c'mon... $25 for a decent upright? And it's a guy coming to look - guys aren't that picky. That thing is SO gone.

I headed in the direction of San Marcos anyway, hoping she would call in the 15 minutes it took to get to the exit where I'd have to decide to continue on or turn to go home. She didn't call. I argued with myself that she would call - maybe I should just pull over and wait. No, I had to go home and meet the landlady. ::SIGH:: I took the exit to head north.

Good thing, because my cell phone never rang.

Two hours later my home line blurts out its anemic summons (a whole 'nother story) and it's San Marcos saying she's SO sorry she didn't contact me earlier but her cell mysteriously erased my number so she didn't have a way to call me back! Ouch. Ok, I deserved that one too.

She was very helpful though, suggesting I check out a yellow vacuum currently on sale at Target for only $50. She said she bought the same thing and it's working great. I thanked her for the tip and we said goodbye.

Moral of the story: if you keep pulling the Universe's rubber band, eventually it's going to snap back and sting you.

The happy ending to this story is that I went back to craigslist (if they ever go public, I have to buy stock!) and found another vac for only $15 that looks like it will do the job well. And this time I'm not fooling around. I made an appointment and I'll keep it, and unless something goes horribly wrong, I will own it for less than either of the other two. Even when the Universe slaps you, at least it will kiss it and make it better after.

Oh, and this Mighty Hoover is teal colored - not exactly a Green Monster, but hey, it matches the Jeep! And I'll call it Edgar, even though I don't think my grandfather (who shares the name) would appreciate that too much. I'll have to use the J in front when I'm around him.

So J. Edgar Hoover will be in charge of digging up dirt and busting the floors as Finally Being Intolerable. (::giggles at her own joke::)

~*~

In other news... I was cleaning out the pictures on my cell phone and realized there are many I took to post here, but I forgot all about them! So here is what I've been saving up for you, my fellow Planetary Peoples.

Take a look at the store hours on this sign and tell me what's wrong with this picture:

If there are two extra days available for only 99 cents each, someone PLEASE point me to that aisle, because I can't tell you how many times I would've gladly given my last two bucks for an extra 48 hours!

And speaking of signs: Go Semper Fi! ...or not.

While we're on the subject of heroes, did you know Jewish carpenters fall into that category? Yes, folks, you too can own the Jesus action figure! He's poseable! He's inspiring! He saves...

...you money! Available at Borders Book Store (no kidding). Cross not included. Mary Magdalene sold separately.

I've always said there were plenty of good prophets in our history, Jesus just had the best marketing.

(The Google ad algorithm is now having a melt down figuring out if it can list ads for porn and Christian products on the same page.)

Seriously though, I took this pic awhile back at Starbucks (sorry it's blurry) because I was thrilled to see two of my own heroes sharing space on the rack. Frank Sinatra and Jason Mraz. Both Fond of Hats. These guys are the best crooners ever to inhabit our fair planet:

And I had this pic on my phone too... the story behind this one is that every time I'd say organic food is better for you, Mark would scoff and say, "Boron's organic, but that's not good for you!" Well sir, apparently it is in select cases! :P

And this... this is why I'm here on the West coast... being here to witness scenes like this is what makes this place like paradise:

And this last one was also taken at the beach... apparently kicked off in a fit of joy: (Dane Cook fans will know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.)

I can't see a lone shoe lying anywhere now that I don't think of that line. God bless Dane Cook. He's one of the people that makes me laugh almost daily.

Dear Owner of This Shoe: Your property has been impounded by The Ocean. You can retrieve your missing footwear at the Great Pacific Garbage Patch in 4-6 months. Karma is the only form of payment accepted. Good luck.