Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Retribution Shall Be Swift and Certain

I have this friend who shall remain nameless to protect the GUILTY. In the short time we've been acquainted, we've become pretty good at playing pranks on each other. I'd just like to say for the record: He started it.

No, really. He sprayed his cologne in my hair dryer so every time I turn it on, it's like a huge wave of Hei in my face. STILL. After a month! (Mostly because he keeps renewing it every time he's here!) Don't worry, his hair dryer smells worse now.

This past weekend I don't remember what prompted his impulse (not that he really needs a reason to feed his devious personality), but he managed to get ice down my pants not once, but TWICE, effectively rendering me without dry underroos while I was 45 minutes from home. The first time we had a good laugh, but the second time I was slightly pissed. Of course he was "sorry" (read: not really) and said so repeatedly in a lame attempt to avoid retaliation. Seriously, does that EVER work?

I played it off like I was mad until I figured out my revenge, then I looked him straight in the eye and said "You're forgiven" in that tone the evil villain uses when he/she's about to attempt killing the Hero. Except I don't give long speeches that offer the time needed for the Hero to form a plan and escape unscathed.

The rest of the day he was on his guard but nothing happened. I mean c'mon, I'm not THAT dumb. It's no fun if they're expecting it.

I helped him do laundry, clean the kitchen, and I made his bed for him. Except when I made the bed, I short sheeted it. :D Big mistake to leave me unsupervised. Short sheeting was not actually my original plan of attack - it was just something that came up while I was making the bed - but it turned out so well, I don't think the original idea would hold a candle to this now anyway.

I left him a note under the pillow too that said, "Still love me?" figuring he'd find it when he had to tear the sheets off to fix them. He usually asks me that after he's done something particularly evil.

That night he wanted to stay over at my house. You have NO IDEA how hard it was to say okay because I am not a patient person. You can run, but you cannot hide. And you gotta sleep at home sometime.

Honestly, today (Monday) I hadn't thought much about it because I was too busy. We talked a few times on IM, but nothing significant. Sometimes he takes a nap in the afternoon but today was not one of those days. I had all but forgotten the entire thing until we had the following conversation just around midnight. I was laughing so hard I could barely type back to him.

Keep in mind this man has a genius IQ and an ego to match (fortunately his ego is a positive, upbeat type - I'll give him that) which makes it that much funnier IMHO.

Him: u there?

Me: yep

Him: what did you do the last 15 minutes?

Me: Worked on the compset projects for Pearson

Him: know what I did? I spent it in the dark, trying to figure out how come the fuck I couldn't get under the covers...


Him: 15 fucking minutes and I had to turn on the light

Me: ::is dying laughing::

Him: ok you so got me there

Me: 15 minutes? really?

Him: I turned off the lights

Me: ::falls out of chair::

Him: so I couldnt see

Him: and was feeling around

Him: and tried and tried

Him: and was "is THIS the edge

Him: no , that must be the edge

Him: wtf

Him: WTF

Him: ok HERE it is

Him: no

Him: not that

Me: OMFG my sides hurt

Him: then I was SURE I got it

Him: and got under

Him: then I was like "no it isnt right"

Him: back to square one

Him: how come my feet are cold and

Him: hmm

Him: ok

Me: OH man, make it stop - my back hurts now

Him: and ginger was meowing all the time
(Ginger is his cat who is just as much trouble as he is, trust me. She tattles on his other cat, Cinnamon, by meowing at my friend until he finds what all the fuss is about - usually something bad Cin has done.)

Him: was pitch black

Me: Tattle tail

Him: yes

Me: Did you find my note?

Him: yes

Him: then I knew what it was

Him: didnt find it until I turned on the light

Me: Now I have tears

Him: you so got me

Me: Damn

Me: 15 minutes

Me: I love it

Him: man I was all ready to get into bed

Him: and was like WHAT THE FUCK CANT FIND IT

Him: and had too much pride to turn on the light

Him: so I know I can find it

Him: I got in and out like 4 times

Me: I can totally see the whole scene too

Me: Oh man, now I need the inhaler I laughed so hard

Him: I am debating if I still love you

Me: No you're not

Him: its a tough one

Me: cuz you respect the skillz :P

Him: hAH


Him: ok I admit that

Him: but love is different than respect

Him: but you sooooo got me

Me: and that isn't even what I had originally planned to do to you for that ice cube

Him: sure

Me: It wasn't

Me: the other involved pancake syrup but you might be off the hook with this one because I dont think it could get better than 15 minutes of you fumbling in the dark with your pride and your sheets

Him: Ginger knew

Him: I think she wasn't tattling on me

Him: she was laughing

Me: ::still dying laughing::

Him: I hate you

Me: No you dont

Him: <-- NOT laughing

Him: ok I had a good laugh

Him: as soon as I saw the note

Him: I knew I had been had

Me: hahaha

Him: ok

Him: sheets straight now

Me: Good for you :)

Him: ok now I go to sleep

Me: You sure?

Him: if there are no more boobie traps

Me: I love you :)

Me: <--angel

Him: I love you too

Him: NOT

Me: :P

Me: 15 minutes...

Me: seriously need inhaler

Him: you soo got me

Him: couldnt figure it out

Me: FOUR times

Him: but when I saw the note

Him: man