Hey Baby, What's Yer Sign?

Diana at Silly Buddha posted a Spiritual Meme the other day. I thought they were cool questions, so here are my answers:

Astrological Sign?
Capricorn (I don't know which moon or ruling planets or anything)

Chinese Astrological Sign?
Monkey (And doncha know I don't like monkeys at all! They kinda scare me!)

What are you currently setting your intention on or praying for?
Setting my intention on moving to San Diego in June.

Who do you pray to?
Love, which I sometimes refer to as The Gods, or The Stars, or My Self, or half a dozen other things depending on the day.

Do you believe God created humans or humans evolved from primordial goo?
Both, and then some. Physically our present shape and form may have evolved from something that crawled out of the ocean, but spiritually I think our souls came from a Source we can't quite comprehend with our Darwinian brains. I like to imagine that we are made of star dust though. Technically, we are actually made of the same base elements. :)

What is your mantra?
Unfortunately I realize it's "I can't afford that." It's been a slow process to stay aware and change it, but I'm working on making it "Everything is already ok." (Thank you j|o|n!)

Do you believe in Sin?
Yes, when you spill coffee, that is a sin. Seriously tho, no, I don't think there's any such thing as "right" or "wrong", just what is. It's the human reaction to "What Is" that defines sin, or the lack of it.

Do you believe in Evil?
I believe we live in a bi-polar world and in order for us to be able to define something as "good," there must be something to compare it against which would be defined as the opposite, and some people may call that "evil."

What do you do when you see 11:11?
I close my eyes and send my happiest thought to the stars.

Do you believe in Angels?
Yes. They may not be called that in the plane they exist on, but I guess that's as good a label as any for us Earth folk to give them.

Do you believe in God? If so, what does God look like to you?
Yes, I believe in God, but I only call it that for lack of a better word. God looks like a clear night sky on a New Moon when you're laying in the warm grass holding hands with your best friend on a hill away from all light pollution.

Is there an aspect of your religion/belief that you haven't made up your mind about?
Yes. I haven't decided what happens immediately after your physical death; that brief moment after spirit separates from physical, but before it melts back into the Whole.

Is there a religion that you don't follow, but deeply respect or admire?
I can't say I have a lot of respect for any organization that bottles and labels spirituality. To me, the word religion has a sour taste because it implies there is an organized, step-by-step process to a destination called "enlightenment," it usually involves a middle man, and religions breed fundamentalists that think their way is the only way that can possibly be correct. I think enlightenment is more of a learning process or a journey, you must travel your path yourself, and there are as many paths as there are beings. However, there are many practices of the more peaceful religions like Buddhism or Hinduism that I admire, and of course, I recognize that religion has "saved" many people in a good way.

Who has inspired you the most on your spiritual path?
I think everyone you come in contact with contributes to your spiritual path, whether it's a close friend, family member, or a homeless person on the street. The person I've considered most like a mentor is my aunt, who is a healer in New Mexico.

In your opinion, what is the worst mistake we make, as a species?
Overpopulating the planet.

What is something you would like to believe, but don't?
Our government.

Do you believe in soul mates?
As Disneyfied as I am, I can't say I believe in the romantic concept of each person having only one soul mate. I believe there are people that have the potential to be more in sync with each other because their paths follow close parallels, and who they are individually during the time they're together resonates easily with their partner's beliefs and thinking patterns. For some, their paths may travel beside each other their entire life spans; for others, it may be briefer so perhaps those people find several soul mates in a lifetime. So I guess I do believe in soul mates, but not the traditional definition.

Reincarnation or heaven?
Reincarnation - I'm coming back as Jason Mraz's cat.

Best "ah ha!" moment/epiphany?
Damn... I'll have to really think about that. There are so many. Answer to come in another blog.

Required spiritual reading?
Conversations With God, Book 1 (only), by Neale Donald Walsh. Books 2 & 3 he kind of repeated himself ad infinitum, then he just plain sold out. :( But that doesn't diminish how powerful his first book was for me. Also, The Red Book by Sera Beak for those just beginning their spiritual path or women searching for some personal empowerment. Anything by SARK is also totally fun.

If you could pick, in your final moments, what would your last words be?
...And they all lived happily ever after.

Advice for a lost soul?
Take a step in any direction because even if it's the wrong direction, at least then you'll know which way NOT to go and you can turn around. Otherwise it's second star to the right, and straight on 'til morning. :)

A song that encapsulates your beliefs?
Just ONE? Are you kidding? There's a whole soundtrack to my life! Here's the first four that come to mind:

What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong
Have a Little Faith in Me by John Hiatt
Change Your Mind by Sister Hazel
True To Myself by Ziggy Marley

Edit to add: Shit, was I supposed to say "Tag, you're it" or something at the end so other people would keep this going? As usual, I'm clueless. I'm just here to write, man. LOL

Head West Young (Wo)Man

Okay, I think the Gods are just fuckin with me now. Maybe this is paybacks for all the celestial sleeve tugging I've done.

I don't check the Great Day site every day, but when I do, I usually find Ralph Marston's daily message can be applied to my present circumstances, or it's a nice little general reminder of where your principles should be.

Today's message is more like:

DEAR TRAYCE,
HERE IS THE ANSWER - IN WRITTEN FORMAT - TO THE QUESTION YOU'VE SUBMITTED TO THE UNIVERSE EVERY TIME YOU PASS A FOR RENT SIGN IN YOUR CURRENT AREA. IF YOU STILL DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO, PLEASE MAKE AN APPOINTMENT WITH DICK CHENEY, GRAND POOBAH OF EVILNESS, DEPARTMENT OF EARTH, FOR YOUR SOUL TO BE CONVERTED TO AN EVANGELICAL PREACHER (OR A REPUBLICAN - YOUR CHOICE) AT YOUR EARLIEST CONVENIENCE.
THANK YOU,
THE GODS

Select Your Direction Your destination depends not on where you are but on which way you go. Your results depend not on what has happened, and not on what you have, but on what you do with it all. From here, you can go anywhere. There are pathways leading in every direction. What matters now is which of those pathways you choose. What matters now is the next step you take. Give yourself permission to decide what you truly desire for your life and for your world. And know that there is a way, right now, to begin creating it. When your thoughts and actions have a clear, specific purpose, each moment will carry you closer to the fulfillment of that purpose. When you move consistently in a chosen direction, you cannot help but reach the destination you choose. Lovingly, thoughtfully and carefully select your direction today. You are always moving toward something, so make that something exactly what you wish. -- Ralph Marston

Play Ball

Half of life is just showing up, and I’m amazed by your ability to show up.

This line made enough of an impact on me that I often think of it when I’m having one of those days where it’s really hard to drag my ass out of bed (like today). However, I couldn’t remember where I’d heard it so I had to Google it. Turns out it’s a line from Hard Ball, a Keanu Reeves movie from 2001 about a white guy with a gambling problem that ends up paying off a debt by coaching a baseball team of black children on the south side of Chicago. (Ironic since it’s Opening Day for baseball today.)

The Google results indicate people think it was a cheesy movie and that Keanu is a cheesy actor in general. I think Keanu played the California stereotype role so well in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, that it’s been hard for people to take him seriously after that. His inflections in speech do lean toward the surfer dialect in most films, but shit, that’s just part of who he is. If you can’t love that, then go watch DeNiro play the same damn role for the 487th time. I think Keanu is cool, and if he’s cheesy at all, then I’ll take Chester “It Ain’t Easy Being Cheesy” Cheetah any day over some of these so-called “great” actors. (And while we’re at it, God bless Owen Wilson!)

~*~

I’m not sure what it is I want that I’m not getting, but there is definitely something lacking emotionally in my life right now and I can’t seem to fill the void with meditation or writing or visualizing or new furniture or even - *gasp* - coffee. My ego has been pesting me for recognition because it’s not everyone that can just decide to move cross country for no reason, then do it, but even if you’re one in a million these days, there’s at least a million more just like you so your extraordinary skills get lost in the shuffle. Like Obama says, maybe if we quit moving the bar, people would have a chance of grasping it for a change. And in the midst of this self-indulgent thinking, my soul looks down its metaphorical nose at my ego and says, “Stop whining, spoiled brat.” I just want to feel whole again.

I know I at least want my friends and family to stop telling me I’m crazy, or wrong for moving to San Diego. Yes, of course I realize it’s possible I’ll have to give up my new job that I’ve waited years to have, or that I won’t have enough money, or that it might be hard to find another job out there (if I have to), or that the Camaro may not pass California emissions testing and that it’s kind of pointless to sink money into it. I’m not an idiot. I’ve thought of all those things and some that haven’t even crossed their minds. I still want to go. I'll deal with those things if/when they come up. I believe in planning ahead, but there's a fine line between planning and looking for reasons not to do something.

I’m going because it’s VERY possible I’ll be happier because a) I like that side of the country better, b) I fit in better with the people/mentality, and c) it’s sunny and 70° all the time. How can you NOT be happy in that kind of weather? If it turns out I’m miserable in SD, I’ll make new choices and go somewhere else. I only know that if I don’t try at all, I’ll miss the chance altogether. There are no lost opportunities, because if you don’t take them, someone else will.

~*~

I was trying to not eat sugar last week. I made it two days then a bag of Nestle Semi-Sweet Morsels dragged me into the kitchen, slapped an apron on me, and shoved cookie dough in my face. I couldn’t help it. At least I resisted enough to not make myself sick on the dough for once. After that, I had new resolve and I resisted another day, then the Girl Scout cookies in my bedroom had their way with me. :sigh: Cookies are not normally my downfall. I dunno what’s going on with that this month.

Do Starbucks Frappachinos count in the sugar category? If they do, I’m in trouble this summer.

I have been drinking coffee without sugar (just cream), and I even like it. This is especially good because I was committing the cardinal sin of dumping Sweet-n-Low in my caffeine simply because it dissolves faster than regular sugar. I should know better. It was the only consistently serious breach to my organic eating, which I'm happy to have pushed to the side. (The Pink Packets of Death by Chemicals, not the organic eating!)

~*~

So Katy comes back from New Mexico today. It’s been so peaceful in the house while she’s been away. I love my daughter, but I’m not looking forward to her moody drama draping everything in sticky black yuck again. I wish I had a magic wand to change her attitude. I’d slap her upside the head with it. I’m sure she’ll grow out of it with time. I wasn’t quite as dark as her as a teen, but I definitely had my days, and I eventually saw the light, so I guess there is hope.

~*~

My calendar at work has this passage under the picture for March:

Our places give shelter, that is a given. Focused only on ourselves, filled with possessions, trying to impress others, they deny the unity of all. Connection with the greater truths of otherness has far greater import than minutiae of our lives.

Focus on ourselves is endless looking in a mirror, reading the same story, replaying the same tape. There’s more richness, new stories, adventures beyond the mirror.The truth of ourselves includes the selves on the outside of our skins, and inside other of our skins. Bring those lives into your life.

See? Even my calendar is telling me to move. (Unless it's saying to step through the mirror, fall down a rabbit hole, and have an adventure drinking tea with the Mad Hatter. Which would be awesome!) We’re actually moving our offices to a different floor this Thursday as well. Lots of moving around going on right now. I picture the Universe like a giant vat of Humans and Stars soup, and God is stirring the Chi with a big wooden spoon, so pay attention lest you get whacked with it on the next turn.

~*~

Inguz was the rune that showed up for me the other night when I was thinking about this move. (I don't know why these rune pics show up so darn large! Blogger must have some kind of minimum size or something.) This is the rune of New Beginnings, a new path, new life, harmonizing, a searching for similarities. Sound familiar? Yay! It's been difficult to see the humor and remain centered and grounded as the book suggests, but I'm working on it. Several times a day I find my shoulders up around my ears and have to take a couple deep breaths to bring them back to a normal level. It's a conscious process, but at least I AM conscious of it.

4:30pm. Time to go home. :D

Vlad Studio

Vlad Studio is the awesomest place for computer wallpaper EVER. Check it out. You can get the low res stuff for free, but seriously folks, unless you're a starving artist yourself or something pay the man for his creativity. It's only $30 for a lifetime membership of unlimited cool shit to look at on your screen. Totally worth it.

Support the coolness. :D

The Bunny With Cookies

I keep forgetting today was Easter. The age of egg hunts and bunny baskets has passed for Katy so the holiday doesn't mean much to either of us anymore. My closest family is down near Philly, Mark went to his sister's house, and I took Katy to the airport to go to my mother's in New Mexico for Spring Break, then I came back and finished some work from Friday. Exciting. (Edit to add: I ate way too many Girl Scout cookies while writing this entry - does that count as celebration?)

The best Easter I ever had happened when I lived in Arizona. I think Katy was probably 6 or 7. For whatever reason I decided not to drive out to my grandmother's house that weekend. (She always cooks a big dinner on "major" holidays even though none of us are Christian.) Instead, Katy and I went to a Native American Pow-wow (not our first, and definitely not our last). As I sat in the Great Circle watching the hoop dancers in all their feathers and finery, I remember being truly present in the moment, and thinking how even though I love spending time with my family, it was so much more appropriate for us to be there that day, celebrating Life in general with these strangers whom I admire so greatly. If you've ever had a moment of complete clarity like that, where you feel so peacefully connected to everyone and everything, you know what I'm talking about.

I hope the ease with which those moments used to come to me will return when we live in San Diego. Not to say I haven't had any here in NJ, but it definitely comes easier to me on the western edge of our island. I've started letting go of the furniture to get there.

~*~

The We Inside of Me

If you have 20 minutes to spare, use it to watch this video. It is a most amazing story about (and by) Jill Bolte Taylor, a brain scientist who witnessed her own stroke and came away with a spiritual experience that obviously changed her life.

My Stroke of Insight

It's especially cool to understand the science of right brain vs. left brain functions, and connect that to our perception of the world around us.

I love at the end when she says: Which would you choose? Which DO you choose? You'll have to watch to understand.

~*~

What about taking this empty cup and filling it up
With a little bit more of some innocence
I haven't had enough; it's probably because
When you're young, it's ok to be easily ignored
I'd like to believe it was all about love for a child...

Mraz has this new song, Love for a Child. It's not released yet really (will be on the CD coming out May 13), but it got leaked on YouTube. He says he wrote it for his "very divorced parents" and I'll tell you what - there are not many songs that make me want to cry, but the chorus of this tune hits home a little too hard.

My parents have been divorced since I was 3, and only speak to each other if there is no other alternative. I have no memories of them being together, and when they're in each other's presence they act like business associates. It's hard to believe they were ever in love, and if my stepmother is witness to their meeting it's hard to remember Love exists at all.

Was it Mom who put my Dad out on his ass
Or the other way around
Well I'm far too old to care about that now...

My mother left my father; she wanted to finish her college education but Dad wanted her to be a stereotype stay-at-home mom. I don't think my mother had a cell in her body (at the time) that would allow her to be happy doing that. They both remarried, but only my Dad's marriage has survived (30+ long years, but at least this time he married exactly what he was looking for). My stepmother and I have reached a tentative peace just in the last decade.

My mother cut her second husband out of our lives so completely after he divorced her I probably wouldn't know him if I tripped over him now. I don't harbor any ill will in his case, but only because I can't remember much about the time he was in our lives. His mother, Fran (whom I considered one of my grandmothers), actually made a bigger impression on me. She looked like Queen Elizabeth and had manners to match. :) She was a very proper lady. Maybe it came from being Canadian. She did not put on airs, airs would be lucky to put on her, but in the kindest way possible. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'll bet she's the reason I love having tea. I have a vague recollection of having tea with her in the afternoons. Unless that's one of those things I made up until I believed it. :shakes head: No, I'm pretty sure that happened because I remember her collection of tea cups (they were lovely) and not being allowed to play with them. Hmmm. (My mother just confirmed it on the phone, that tea with Fran is a valid memory. Yay, I'm not insane.)

All my childhood memories are so misplaced in time it feels like every story I know about my younger years happened when I was 12. I'm often surprised what age my family claims I was when I'm recounting an event. I surely didn't feel that young when it happened.

Growing up with a single mother and minimal involvement from my father made me precocious in many ways. When you have to fend for yourself a lot, I guess you take in knowledge at a faster pace in order to survive, thus gaining more skills than the average bear. It can produce some nasty side effects though. I don't need a shrink to tell me that a good part of the control freak in me was developed from having no control over what happened with my parents (especially my stepmother), combined with a lot of time alone (and precious little control over that) because Mom was busy trying to make ends meet, and Dad stuck so rigidly to the court-appointed visitation times you'd think he was brainwashed to believe that was the only time I existed on the planet.

It's kind of nice to work the floor since the divorce
I've been enjoying both my Christmases and my birthday cakes
And taking drugs, and making love at far too young an age
But they never checked to see my grades
What a fool I'd be to start complaining now...

My birthday is five days after Christmas, so while I smiled at this part of the song because it's true children of divorce often get to celebrate things twice, the proximity of these two events in time sometimes cheated me out of the only positive result of my parents' split (from a child's point of view).

I forgave my parents long ago, but the scars etched in my history pushed me forward beyond my years. At age 19, just when I was about to get over my lack of childhood and maybe regain some footing on a different kind of immaturity, I had a child of my own and any innocence I may have hoped to enjoy disappeared. Maybe that's why my 30th birthday didn't bother me at all. I feel like I've been two ages so far in my lifetime: 12 and 30. Once in awhile a random fairy godmother makes me 21, but the feeling never lasts more than a few hours. I can only wonder what age I'll feel consistently next. Probably "retired." :rolls eyes:

I hope what they say about Capricorns living backwards (being serious in youth, and youthful in old age), is true because that means there is still hope of filling up my own empty cup with the star dust of so many innocent wishes. That would be brilliant. In the meantime, I'll just keep searching for the steady beat of peace and love and security - those moments of clarity that make Life wonderful.

~*~

We saw Horton Hears a Who last night at the theater. I've always loved Dr. Seuss, but my favorite book was One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. I don't remember reading Horton too often. I was surprised at the bold stab this movie takes at group-think religion, but I like the message it conveys of "exercise tolerance and respect, but don't stop questioning." Yay for teaching kids HOW to think instead of WHAT to think! I also appreciated the more obvious communication that just because you can't see or touch something doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

I have to make a trip to B&N now and refresh my memory of how the book actually goes because I don't remember Seuss making such a stand on controversial points. Perhaps it just flew over my head. The movie is worth seeing though, IMHO, so grab your kids or nieces and nephews (or go with adults, because you really don't need kids to justify wanting to see an animated movie) and escape for a couple hours this week. It does use passages from the book, but they don't rhyme the entire dialog.

Jim Carey and Steve Carrel are just awesome as Horton and The Mayor of Whoville, respectively. You can just see their faces in your mind's eye as their comedy makes you smile. Worth the price of the ticket! (The title of this entry will take on new dimensions as well.)