Monday, March 31, 2008

Play Ball

Half of life is just showing up, and I’m amazed by your ability to show up.

This line made enough of an impact on me that I often think of it when I’m having one of those days where it’s really hard to drag my ass out of bed (like today). However, I couldn’t remember where I’d heard it so I had to Google it. Turns out it’s a line from Hard Ball, a Keanu Reeves movie from 2001 about a white guy with a gambling problem that ends up paying off a debt by coaching a baseball team of black children on the south side of Chicago. (Ironic since it’s Opening Day for baseball today.)

The Google results indicate people think it was a cheesy movie and that Keanu is a cheesy actor in general. I think Keanu played the California stereotype role so well in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, that it’s been hard for people to take him seriously after that. His inflections in speech do lean toward the surfer dialect in most films, but shit, that’s just part of who he is. If you can’t love that, then go watch DeNiro play the same damn role for the 487th time. I think Keanu is cool, and if he’s cheesy at all, then I’ll take Chester “It Ain’t Easy Being Cheesy” Cheetah any day over some of these so-called “great” actors. (And while we’re at it, God bless Owen Wilson!)


I’m not sure what it is I want that I’m not getting, but there is definitely something lacking emotionally in my life right now and I can’t seem to fill the void with meditation or writing or visualizing or new furniture or even - *gasp* - coffee. My ego has been pesting me for recognition because it’s not everyone that can just decide to move cross country for no reason, then do it, but even if you’re one in a million these days, there’s at least a million more just like you so your extraordinary skills get lost in the shuffle. Like Obama says, maybe if we quit moving the bar, people would have a chance of grasping it for a change. And in the midst of this self-indulgent thinking, my soul looks down its metaphorical nose at my ego and says, “Stop whining, spoiled brat.” I just want to feel whole again.

I know I at least want my friends and family to stop telling me I’m crazy, or wrong for moving to San Diego. Yes, of course I realize it’s possible I’ll have to give up my new job that I’ve waited years to have, or that I won’t have enough money, or that it might be hard to find another job out there (if I have to), or that the Camaro may not pass California emissions testing and that it’s kind of pointless to sink money into it. I’m not an idiot. I’ve thought of all those things and some that haven’t even crossed their minds. I still want to go. I'll deal with those things if/when they come up. I believe in planning ahead, but there's a fine line between planning and looking for reasons not to do something.

I’m going because it’s VERY possible I’ll be happier because a) I like that side of the country better, b) I fit in better with the people/mentality, and c) it’s sunny and 70° all the time. How can you NOT be happy in that kind of weather? If it turns out I’m miserable in SD, I’ll make new choices and go somewhere else. I only know that if I don’t try at all, I’ll miss the chance altogether. There are no lost opportunities, because if you don’t take them, someone else will.


I was trying to not eat sugar last week. I made it two days then a bag of Nestle Semi-Sweet Morsels dragged me into the kitchen, slapped an apron on me, and shoved cookie dough in my face. I couldn’t help it. At least I resisted enough to not make myself sick on the dough for once. After that, I had new resolve and I resisted another day, then the Girl Scout cookies in my bedroom had their way with me. :sigh: Cookies are not normally my downfall. I dunno what’s going on with that this month.

Do Starbucks Frappachinos count in the sugar category? If they do, I’m in trouble this summer.

I have been drinking coffee without sugar (just cream), and I even like it. This is especially good because I was committing the cardinal sin of dumping Sweet-n-Low in my caffeine simply because it dissolves faster than regular sugar. I should know better. It was the only consistently serious breach to my organic eating, which I'm happy to have pushed to the side. (The Pink Packets of Death by Chemicals, not the organic eating!)


So Katy comes back from New Mexico today. It’s been so peaceful in the house while she’s been away. I love my daughter, but I’m not looking forward to her moody drama draping everything in sticky black yuck again. I wish I had a magic wand to change her attitude. I’d slap her upside the head with it. I’m sure she’ll grow out of it with time. I wasn’t quite as dark as her as a teen, but I definitely had my days, and I eventually saw the light, so I guess there is hope.


My calendar at work has this passage under the picture for March:

Our places give shelter, that is a given. Focused only on ourselves, filled with possessions, trying to impress others, they deny the unity of all. Connection with the greater truths of otherness has far greater import than minutiae of our lives.

Focus on ourselves is endless looking in a mirror, reading the same story, replaying the same tape. There’s more richness, new stories, adventures beyond the mirror.The truth of ourselves includes the selves on the outside of our skins, and inside other of our skins. Bring those lives into your life.

See? Even my calendar is telling me to move. (Unless it's saying to step through the mirror, fall down a rabbit hole, and have an adventure drinking tea with the Mad Hatter. Which would be awesome!) We’re actually moving our offices to a different floor this Thursday as well. Lots of moving around going on right now. I picture the Universe like a giant vat of Humans and Stars soup, and God is stirring the Chi with a big wooden spoon, so pay attention lest you get whacked with it on the next turn.


Inguz was the rune that showed up for me the other night when I was thinking about this move. (I don't know why these rune pics show up so darn large! Blogger must have some kind of minimum size or something.) This is the rune of New Beginnings, a new path, new life, harmonizing, a searching for similarities. Sound familiar? Yay! It's been difficult to see the humor and remain centered and grounded as the book suggests, but I'm working on it. Several times a day I find my shoulders up around my ears and have to take a couple deep breaths to bring them back to a normal level. It's a conscious process, but at least I AM conscious of it.

4:30pm. Time to go home. :D


Diana said...

First, I think Keanu is awesome and highly underrated.

Second - I can't believe how similar my struggle is to yours at the moment.

For the really big decisions I say write - write until you've made up your mind. Sometimes if I write long enough I actually find out what I'm trying to say ;)

Good luck! :)

CSD Faux Finishing said...

Keanu gets so much flack but I am with you, he just rocks. Point Break is one of my favorite movies of all time (another pigeon hole surfer dude for him but still kick ass, side note - who also doesn't love Patrick Swayze?) and we just saw the most freaky movie with him in it A Scanner Darkly which I originally rented to see Rory Cochrane who I also love (Empire Records, Dazed & Confused). It is too freaky to describe, you just have to see it.

I laughed at your passage about Katy :) So she is one of those emo kids huh? With a mom like you I never would have pictured that at all! She must still be in "rebel!" stage of her late teens. I hope she got some clarity & ability to relax in NM and is not quite so debbie downer when she gets back!

Your friends and family are obviously awesome because they love you so much they want you around but I will tell you from personal experience that if you stay mostly for them you will never feel that emptiness go away. You have to do what is in your own heart and soul and if that is staying then stay but if it is going then go!

draagonfly said...

Katy could fit into various stereotypes depending on the day, but mostly she's emo, for sure. I blame her father's genes since he's not here to defend himself. :)