Livin' On The Edge

Originally written on 08.25.07

I’ve believed in magic since my first Disney movie, and the book, A Wrinkle in Time, had me thinking about other dimensions at a very young age. Even though I will probably never be able to wiggle my nose and make something materialize in my hand, I haven’t quite let go of the idea that this kind of magic might be possible if you knew enough about quantum physics and manipulating the elements. I would hazard a guess that magic is just science we haven’t been able to explain on paper yet.

It was classical physics that got me thinking tonight. Originally, the atom was pictured as a nucleus with electrons that orbit the nucleus like little planets (the Bohr model), looking much like this:

Then physicists figured out that you can’t pinpoint the exact momentum and location of an electron at any given point in time (aka the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle), so it was impossible to define an actual orbital path. This led to the idea of an electron cloud: we could define a certain area that electrons would probably be found, but they could pop in and out of existence anywhere within that area at any time. So science modified its picture of an atom to make it a nucleus with a “probability cloud” of electrons around it, which would be something like this:

Then I saw a video on YouTube explaining quantum tunneling:

Note how the probability cloud remains spherical around the ball, therefore there is some probability that the molecules could go through the board the ball is bouncing on and appear on the other side. Is that not like magic?

Then I got to thinking: what if Earth is a nucleus and humans are like electrons in a probability cloud? When you think about it, as individuals, we are literally one big probability. There’s no way to know exactly what we’re going to do next, even though some of us are more predictable than others (just like electrons).

I also recalled that if you measure two atoms and the space between them at the subatomic level, and then extrapolate the measurements so each atom would be the size of a racquetball, the racquetballs would be light years apart. That’s a lot of space between atoms (you’re not as dense as you look!). Imagine if the racquetball was the size of Earth. How far away would the next Earth-size atom be? Doesn’t it make more sense now that we have yet to find anything else like us even though we have technology that can look light years into the universe?

Applying other properties of subatomic particles to our own Super Mario World, I started wondering if birth and death are like electrons jumping from one energy level of an atom to another. In order for an electron to make a quantum leap to another level, it has to emit or absorb a photon (light). There are many people on the planet (including myself) who would say our spirits are made of light, so coupling that with the general belief that the spirit enters the body at birth and leaves it at death... would it not make sense if the spirit were light jumping to another energy level to move in and out of physical existence? And if we look at it backwards, it follows as well that when a photon is absorbed into a particle it becomes physical matter rather than etheric light. Also, when you consider how short our lifetime is in comparison to the eternity our souls exist in, the blip of a lifetime is probably as fast as the blip of an electron. It all just sounds very similar to me.

Then I got to thinking about predictability. Science loves the repeated ability to predict behavior accurately. That is how they say something is “proven.” But what of a probability cloud of humans? There are some people that are very predictable: they set a goal, they follow tried and true steps to reach the goal, and the goal becomes their reality. I would liken those personality types to electrons appearing in the layer that has the highest probability factors.

Then there are people like me, who like to live on the edge. We try things without being sure of the outcome. We like to shake things up and ask questions. We believe in things that aren't quite proven by the experts yet. We don’t always reach our goals in the conventional manner (which is often harder, but provides better understanding of ourselves). I like to think we are the humans that would be in the least dense part of the probability cloud. We are the ones who see things as magic because we can’t explain how they came to be, but it doesn’t make it any less real.

Well, those were just my thoughts and they’re actually about a month old already. There was more I wanted to add here but I was interrupted and I have a hard time reclaiming the entire train of thought when that happens. It’s still interesting enough to post though I suppose. I like living on the edge. All the good shit happens out here. Besides, I always say if you're not livin on the edge, you're takin up too much space. :)

Go With What Works

Things that are working in my life:

1. The Camaro has started up 7 times out of 10 on its own, and it hasn't fainted anywhere inconvenient.
2. The Jeep is happy to jump the Camaro anytime (and it's gotten more action than usual the last couple weeks).
3. My ticket for trespassing was dismissed provided I don't show up in Staten Island court again in the next six months. (I don't plan to even set foot on Staten Island again, EVER, so no problem there.)
4. The lawsuit from the week before turned out to be mistaken identity and was also dismissed.
5. The weather has been awesome.
6. I found one of the four elusive files I needed for my current project at work.
7. I've had lots of blog ideas if I could find time to write them down.
8. No worries in the lunar-y cycle. The full moon was amazing last night too.
9. We get paid tomorrow and I'm not quite broke today.
10. All four eyes are working just fine.*

*2 eyes in my head + my Third Eye + hindsight = 4 eyes

Tied Up In Nots

I dunno what the universe is trying to tell me but this is freaking me out a bit. Yesterday afternoon a friend and I are walking through the kitchen section of Kohl’s department store, and she says there’s all this kitchen stuff she wants that she can’t afford. I jokingly suggest she marry her boyfriend then, because the only reason I see to get married is for the great kitchen stuff you receive as gifts.

Fast forward to yesterday evening. Another friend is dropping off his guinea pigs for us to babysit because he’ll be on a trip for the next five days. His girlfriend is moving in with him and he starts talking about looking for A Ring. I was concerned because he hasn’t known the girl that long so I gently offered my opinion that he should take one step at a time and see how things go living together before moving forward. I think his biological clock is just ticking too loud.

Fast forward again to 5am this morning. I’m having a dream that Mark and I are discussing what to do that evening for fun when we both remember ‘oh my gosh, we’re supposed to get married tonight!’ Because that’s something people often forget they made plans for. :rolls eyes at self: The same rules of life don’t apply in dreams though, as we all know.

So he goes to do whatever men do before their weddings, and I go to get my dress from another room. While I’m alone in the room I’m thinking I really don’t want to do this and I’m regretting that I agreed to it, but I feel I have to go through with it because the ball is already rolling. People will be showing up any time and canceling a wedding at the last minute is BAD, and I can’t leave Mark standing at the altar like that. I’ve always been very good at making sure other people are happy (even in my dreams), but really bad at making sure I’m happy too.

So I have the same argument with myself in my head in the dream that I’ve had in my head in real life. It’s not that I don’t love him, it’s that I feel marriage is like living in a cage. When you’re married, if the marriage is not working, people feel more obligated to beat a dead horse instead of just calling a spade a spade and going your separate ways. Plus there’s all this extra untangling of physical property and legal issues. Untangling your emotions is hard enough. I believe if you really love someone you’ll stay together because you love Being with each other, not because you have some binding legal agreement, so I really don’t understand what the point of a wedding is anyway. You can plan a party to celebrate your love and even dress up if you want anytime. If you're rich enough, you'll only be called "eccentric" instead of crazy. And who cares if people think you're crazy anyway? If you're having a good time, that's what counts. In a relationship, the spiritual bond means far more to me than any physical piece of paper. You weave it together from love and emotion; you don't write it down and sign in ink like a contract.

So back to the dream: I call my mother on the phone to cry on her shoulder and ask her advice. As happens in dreams, I already know that she’s not coming to the wedding (not because she doesn’t want to), and this is also upsetting me because of old issues about her working so much when I was a kid and only ever being available on the phone (at least that part of the dream was easy to figure out!), but I’m not addressing that issue with her.

I had started whining to her how I hate to be tied down when I actually woke up in a cold sweat. The sheets were damp, my tshirt was soaked, and my arm was completely asleep. I was still feeling all the emotion of the dream too, the anxiety and crying and dread. It was awful. I hate when dream emotions follow you back into reality.

I tried to calm down and go back to sleep after changing my shirt. I’m not sure if I was more disturbed by the dream itself or the message of the dream. I figure I probably had the dream because I had mentioned weddings twice that day. Mark and I haven’t been discussing getting married at all, and have no intention to. Maybe I’m worried about letting go enough that I can move to California. I really do want to live out west again. Like I said, I’m great at making everyone else happy, not so great at making sure I’m happy.

Anyway, just to tie the knot at the end of this experience string, I come into work this morning and make myself a mug o’ chai. In the kitchen there is a notice tacked to the bulletin board that a store in Fairview, NJ is having a clearance sale on ALL WEDDING GOWNS.

At this point I just feel like yelling into the cosmos, “WHAT AND THE FUCK IS YOUR POINT?”

Like A Puddle In A Parking Lot

On a completely shallower note: I’m walking out of the office this afternoon and a guy is walking toward me. His tshirt has a huge rooster head on the front. I could barely supress my giggle because my brain is screaming “You have a big cock on your shirt!” Sometimes my inner child is just so unruly.

I hope he thought I was just smiling to be friendly.

Thinking Deep

Do you suppose the oceans are so deep because of all the seal fur clogging the drain at the bottom? If seals shed like our dog (Jazz) does, I'd bet it's true. I know it looks like doggie porn, but this is just our happy mutt taking a snooze:

Jazz is actually very much like a seal. She has a cold, wet nose, fish breath, and when people she likes come to the door, she makes a Wookie noise to greet them. She's 12 years old now and still acts like a puppy, running to the door to greet us even if we've only been gone 5 minutes. It's awesome to have someone that excited to see you every time you come home. Reminds me very much how to live in the moment.