A Dog's Life

I've been pet sitting for a couple that's on vacation this past week. I have a lot of fun with their two tiny dogs, who are full of energy and personality (contrary to the pic above - my camera is not fast enough to catch them in action). They make me laugh hysterically every night when we play (I mean seriously, could that tail GO any faster?), then they curl up on the couch and melt my heart with their snuggling. I'm grateful for this quality time with my canine friends because it reminds me that life is more than what bills I owe or how much work I have left to do.

The tail waggers are all about the treats and the petting and the constant anticipation that anything I might be fiddling with up on that counter MUST be something for them to eat. I mean what else is a human's purpose in life if not to feed them? They're positive today is the day they're getting that plate. "What? You're taking that to the CAT? For real? DOG has three letters too - maybe you misread the package! Look again - no wait, ok, I'll follow you. Put the plate down tho. Like now. Ok, let me try to jump up and eat it while it's still in your hand. Is this a game? I'm right here! Why are you still walking? Just put the plate down. No, right here - I'm right here! Oh man... that cat gets all the good stuff." ::scratching and whining at the door ensues::

Dogs are just so present all the time. Now is the only moment on their clock. When you walk out of their sight - even if you're just taking out the trash - they think you've left forever. They cry and pout, then give you the most joyous greeting when you return: "Oh thank God you're back! We thought you were a goner. That door is surely a black hole, or worse - the vet! Did you escape the vet? We're SO happy to see you we will cover you in dog kisses anywhere that skin in showing! And thank you for forgetting NOT to wear flip flops again because we're SURE your toes need our spit between them." Where else can you get unconditional love like that?

I don't have TV because I rarely watched it back in NJ, so I figured why bother even hooking it up here. I haven't missed it, but while I'm with the dogs, it's nice to zone out and flip through channels. Besides, it's impossible to read a book with them on the couch because they are aware of the handicap it creates, and the ratio of two tongues against one hand. The daschund has incredibly good aim and likes french kisses. BLECH.

Tonight I landed on an old black and white movie starring Katherine Hepburn: Little Women. I remember reading the book by Louisa May Alcott when I was young. You could never get my nose OUT of a book back then. I don't remember reading too many of the "classics," but this was one of them. I even collected the Madame Alexander dolls of the characters (the only dolls I could ever tolerate) - in fact, I still have them in a box in the garage. I was amazed that as the story line played out on the screen, I could clearly remember the sets and characters my imagination created back then. How cool is the brain to retain all that for so long? Ok, not THAT long (Jimmy!).

The movie also made me think about that fairy tale I'm trying to manifest. Maybe I'm just old fashioned but whether it was Hollywood or the era itself, it seems to me that men were more gentlemanly back then. That's what I'm looking for. Chivalrous, respectful, and somewhat innocent in their romantic pursuits (or at least they were able to keep things in check during an entire courtship) and they were good sports if they were refused. Ladies were graceful and elegant, with good manners, good posture (of course, who DOESN'T have good posture in a corset?!), and proper speech. Even though the acting was comically bad, the blocking made you wonder if this was the director's first time out, and there were no special effects, there is a certain charm to those old movies that I think more people desire in their daily lives than will admit. Maybe they don't realize that civility is the ingredient that's missing.

What kind of jaded society have we become that we are too lazy to enunciate, too impatient to walk slowly into a new relationship, and too presumptuous to properly introduce one another and take the time to learn who we are? I contend that these are simply bad habits we've fallen into, and we are lazy as well so we don't change them. Most people know how they should act, they just don't bother.

I know not ALL people are like that, but generally in Generations X and Y the tendency towards these traits, along with a sense of community, is deteriorating. I feel like some old biddie when I worry what the following generations will be like, and how this effects our happiness as a Whole. Just lock me up in a retirement home now. Perhaps we can't live in an ideal world because everyone's idea of perfect is different (or maybe we DO live in an ideal world since the Universe works without fault), but I still feel there are some things that everyone would agree could improve.

After I came home I sat on the balcony in the papasan chair awhile, conversing with the moon. It's beautiful and full tonight, glowing so bright it cleared the sky of stars except for the outer reaches of the horizon. In my head I listed out all the good things in my life, and imagined dancing with the man of my dreams. Silly? Maybe. It's true though. He would have the grace of Fred Astaire, the charm of Charlie Chaplin, a dash of the rogue Humphrey Bogart's characters embodied, and the humor of Dane Cook because c'mon - I don't live in that era afterall!

I'm too tired now to really know where I'm going with this so I guess I'll end it here. The things I told the moon I am thankful for were:

• The balls to move to San Diego
• New friends
• Always having enough
• The ocean only 15 miles away
• New beginnings

A Quirk of the Network

This morning I woke up about 10am. I lay there thinking for awhile – or rather, trying not to think and not succeeding - then I woke up again at 11:30. Then “I” had a two-hour board meeting with Ego since meditating was putting me to sleep. Is being entertained by your own thoughts for literally hours at a time normal?

Ego aired all its grievances, protests, arguments, and drama in the matter of Me vs. The Recent Past, and “I” listened intently, but the only response “I” could come up with to each diatribe was a big fat “WHATEVER.” When Ego finally ran out of things to bitch about, “I” asked, “Are we done now?” And I think we are.

Perspective is so valuable but easily lost in the pockets of our brain. Sometimes I wonder if Ego even steals it and hides it on purpose.

After that I picked up the Tolle book (New Earth) that I still haven’t finished (it’s taking me months to read because I keep reading other things in between) and damn if the next three chapters weren’t all about exactly what I just did. Well it’s always nice to have validation.

As Jason suggested to the audience last night, we spend too much time in our minds. I know it's true, I even knew it the past few days, but sometimes it's hard to step outside your own drama. Like looking for the doorknob in the dark. I will stop worrying about being cool and just go have fun.

So, um… moving on…

The Beginner's Mind

Last night I went to the runes to try to make some sense of where I'm at. I pulled Inguz, which is actually one of my favorites not only because of the description but also because it looks cool. The book says this about it:

This Rune is akin to the moon, the intuitive part of our nature, with its urge toward harmonizing and adjusting in the sphere of personal relationships. Inguz embodies the need to share, the yearning to be desired, a search after similarities.

The completion of beginnings is what Inguz requires. It may mark a time of joyous deliverance, of new life, a new path. A Rune of great power, drawing it means that you now have the strength to achieve completion, resolution, from which comes a new beginning. Above all, completion is crucial here. It may be timely that you complete some project now; if so, make that your first priority. Perhaps a difficult state of mind can be resolved, clarified, turned around. The appearance of this Rune indicates that you must fertilize the ground for your own deliverance.

Inguz signals your emergence from a closed, chrysalis state. All things change and we cannot live permanently amid obstructions. As you resolve and clear away the old, you will experience a release from tension and uncertainty.

You may be required to free yourself from a rut, habit, or relationship; from some deep cultural pattern, some activity that was quite proper to the self you are leaving behind. The period at or just before birth is often a dangerous one. Movement involves danger, yet movement that is timely leads out of danger. Now it is time to enter the delivery room.

Another of the Cycle Runes, Inguz counsels preparation. Being centered and grounded, freeing yourself from all unwanted influences, and seeing the humor, you are indeed prepared to open yourself to the Will of Heaven, and can await your deliverance with calm certainty.

As always, the runes are spot on. How do they do that? Freaky shit. (That song by Pilot is running through my head... Oh oh oh it's magic... you know... never believe it's not so...)

I saw Jason Mraz play at Morongo Casino in Cabazon tonight. He always puts on an entertaining gig, but I got the idea this may have been a "practice" show for his upcoming weeks in Europe. He's recently been on vacation for three weeks, so I wouldn't be surprised if they needed something small to get back in the groove (small in his case = about 2000 people!). I'll never get tired of hearing the man sing, but I had a hard time staying present tonight. I dunno if it was because my seat was farther back than normal, or maybe I was just spoiled since I got to see him last weekend in the more intimate setting of Mueller College when his friend Bushwalla played with Dawn Mitschele.

They did have a couple surprises: they reworked Clockwatching from the Mr. A-Z CD (very interesting with a reggae beat), and he had the gospel group, Voices of Prayz, with him. Not sure if they'll be on the whole tour, but it was great hearing Live High with the proper choir behind it. I wasn't crazy about the other Jesus-y gospel tune they covered, but then I've never been a big fan of anything related to church. He covered the Steely Dan song Peg in the encore, which was way cool. I'd seen a YouTube version of it from another show, but hearing it live was much better. He still has the Grooveline Horns with him too. Those guys are so awesome - they add a new dimension to the show. In the dictionary next to "groovy" you'll find their picture. I dunno how they manage to fit so many people on stage, but it looks fantastic and I even heard people behind me as I was walking out saying, "That was worth every fucking penny!" That totally made me smile.

Between the show tonight and reading the description for Inguz, it made me think about Jason's tattoo that says "beginner." Shortly after getting the tat, he posted a pic of it on his blog and explained his thoughts about the zen saying The beginner's mind is a beautiful place to come from. That phrase has stuck with me, especially since moving to San Diego and having to find everything for the first time in a new city. I got curious about when his first post on blogspot was because I know it's been a long time. A quick search revealed it was almost a year ago today (9/11 actually) that he moved his blog to these waters. And oddly, his first post was the very one I was thinking about. I hadn't remembered that. :)

So a beginner I am as well - pure potential - and I will keep in mind that it's a beautiful place to come from, even if it's feeling kinda crappy right now.

...just when the caterpillar thought life was over, it turned into a Butterfly.

From my backyard

Note to Self: Shut the Fuck Up

This is why I don’t talk to any of my ex boyfriends (save one from high school, but that reconnection was in a far different space, long after the wounds had healed). I don’t know if my problem is an ego temper tantrum, or just emotions, or some physical disentanglement of matter and particles, but fuck man, ending an 11-year relationship can really inflict some pain.
The following thoughts may be extremely disjointed so if you can’t keep up, don’t feel bad. My head sometimes rivals the mountains for twisty turns and back asswards roads, and getting lost is easy. Too bad there’s no Google Maps for my thoughts. (How cool would a satellite picture of your thoughts be?)
John and I went to dinner and then for a walk on the beach the other night. It was the first time we’d met and it was not a romantic date (or intended to be). Something he said stuck in my head. I don’t even remember what the subject was but he stops me mid-sentence and says, “That’s the second time you’ve said you’re leaving. Didn’t you just get here?”
Well yes, I did. I’ve been in San Diego three months. I know I’ll probably be here several years – a decade seems to be my average in a place. It used to be that I wanted to live in the same place forever because I was annoyed with how I was moved all over the country as a child. But even after it was my own decision where to live, circumstances kept me mobile. In my new adult naiveté, I decided instead of resisting the changes, I would embrace them and assume that wherever I moved to would not be the last place/time, so get happy with it or die trying. Hence, I accept the knowledge that even tho I just got here, I may not be here forever. I didn’t intend for that to be reflected so prominently in my speech tho. That can’t be good – certainly, it doesn’t portend living in the Now as I strive to do.
It has also crossed my mind that now that I’ve embraced my gypsy gene, the Universe will probably fuck with me and I’ll never leave this area. It would totally be par for the course. I’m just trying to be okay with whatever comes my way.
So anyway, when Mark asked me to move out, one of the reasons he cited was my inability to stay put (despite the fact that I’d lived in NJ 11 years). He said he couldn’t live with always wondering when I might finally scratch that itch to live elsewhere. The kid part of me that got dragged from school to school totally gets that, but the adult part of me that’s trying only to live in the moment was again annoyed. Sometimes it feels like I can do nothing right.
I want a fairy tale (which to me, includes the good and the not as good times). I want to feel like I could be with one man until the end of this lifetime and never want things to change. I’m a very monogamous person. I adore my comfort zone. I certainly felt that way with Mark the first several years of our relationship, but he was not in that space the same time I was.
I also want to be impeccable with my word. If I make a promise – especially of the heart - I want to be sure I can keep it. When Mark asked me to move in with him five years ago, the only reason I couldn’t promise to be there forever is because I KNOW the northeast is not my most favorite place, and I know how long forever is. Doesn’t mean it couldn’t have happened – maybe after Katy flew the coop, I could’ve traveled more and that would’ve satisfied my wanderlust. Maybe I would’ve found that travel wasn’t enough. Maybe I should’ve kept all that to myself, but then what kind of promise was I making? Seems like I fucked myself either way. Is honesty always the best policy?
The practical side of me wonders how anyone can feel good about making promises when they have no idea if they can keep them. Even if you are the type to generally stay in one area your entire life, how can you possibly promise to be there forever? As the commercial says: Life comes at you fast. Forever is a very long time. If you have kids, you know how long forever is. Or look at the divorce rate and you’ll see that even the best intentions don’t always last long enough to meet forever. (Once you think you get the “forever” thing, try wrapping your head around the concept of infinity. That’s really what forever is, but for purposes of this blog, forever will just mean to the end of this lifetime.)
I’m so unsure what to do about that. I don’t want to make the same mistake in the future, but I need to be honest. I mean seriously, Mark’s got a point – how can I ever commit to a relationship fully if I think – no, expect – that someday I’ll want to move? Yet I want that kind of committed connection. The only way it would work is if the person I’m with is the same way, then it’s a matter of deciding whose choice of places we’ll live in next (and when).
Ok, so that math makes my brain hurt, but here’s what killed me.
When I left, Mark and I decided to hold our relationship in limbo. We both understood that we were no longer exclusive so if something came up, we were free to pursue it. We also commiserated that neither one of us was of a mind to seek out someone new. We decided if circumstances offered an opportunity to be together temporarily, neither of us would feel weird about taking advantage. Most people call this “friends with benefits” but in our case it’s more like an IPO (“I Put Out”? haha) with stock options since the dividends only paid out once or twice a year.
Surprisingly (or not, if I think about how our relationship started), it only took him a month or so for something to come up. My out of control Ego whispers to me “Probably not even a month! It must’ve been killing him that you took so long to leave!” which may not be fair, but it’s how I feel on my less mature days. Then Left Brain looks over its glasses at Ego and says, “Oh please. Go to your room.” So Ego stalks off to its brain cell muttering, “Well it wouldn’t be the FIRST time.”
I’ve been trying to keep Ego in time out and sort through all these emotions that ride along with letting go. I know it’s necessary. I know it’s probably best. I know if this is how it is, then we were not meant to be together and I have to accept that. I am just pushed out of my comfort zone is all. I’ll get over it. I cling to the words of Eckhart Tolle (as much as his visage creeps me out) that “whatever experience I’m having right now is the one I need to be having.” Great, but does this thing go any faster? Cuz seriously, I’ve got the pedal to the floor and I feel like I’m crawling.
I don’t begrudge Mark happiness, or new feelings for someone else, or whatever those may turn into. But it adds a degree of difficulty when what came up is one of your own friends, especially one that recently left her boyfriend. Ego totally busts out of the chair at that point shouting all kinds of ideas about how long this has really been going on (again, especially knowing Mark’s & my history), what point it may or may not be at now (like that really matters?), and how little respect that shows, not only from Mark, but also from my friend (but I, of all people, know there is something afoot beyond conscious choice of who you end up having feelings for). Am I that easily replaced tho?
Even though I’ve managed to stuff Ego back into Pandora’s box and lock that shit up, I’m still left to decide how I choose to react to the situation. And Ego’s muffled cries are not entirely unheard. Ignoring any part of Self and leaving emotions unresolved is the cloth dis-ease is woven from, and I don’t want that (witness the sinus infection – let’s not keep going there!). But I’m not a baby or a psychotic bitch either. Sometimes I wish I was because this would probably sort itself out faster.
I’ve tried to remain friends with both of them. We’ve all talked on the phone (not at the same time), but I don’t trust that I’m getting the entire story. Mark has continued entertaining flirtations and sexual innuendo when we converse on IM. I played along until today when it was made clear that I was mistaken in thinking our friendly IPO still had stock options. Ouch. Especially coming from someone who is known for his polyamorous ideas. Now I feel doubly stupid.
I just want to let go of the process. Of ALL of it. Change your mind, change your life. In the daily existence I define as “normal,” I do believe it’s that easy. But this isn’t normal. And is that really resolving anything? Is it easier or harder to rip this bandaid off all at once? (Unfortunately, as a kid I was never the rip it off kind.)
This is one time I don’t want to live in the Now. I want to leave tomorrow in the sparkly dust from my pumpkin carriage’s wheels.
Do you think Cinderella ever had to deal with this shit before Prince Charming came along? I know how long forever is... how long is Happily Ever After?

A Beautiful View, or Snot

The last couple days I’ve been recovering from a sinus infection. I’m a wet dream for most health insurance companies because this is the only occasion for which I drag myself to a medical professional, and I’ve got it down to once a year. Financially, it’s the worst return on investment ever, but it’s not like I’m upset that I’m healthy. It would be nice if premiums were calculated on a sliding scale, but that would be asking too much of an industry built on fear. Reward people for a positive outcome? Not on your life policy!

Right now I don’t have health insurance though, so I made up my mind to beat it without antibiotics this time, and I am. I’m taking Echinacea/Goldenseal every four hours, and enough Emergen-C to make peeing my new hobby. For all those readers with stock in Kimberly-Clark Worldwide (they make Kleenex), you’re welcome for increased profits this quarter.

I remember a long time ago my mother told me sinus infections were “inner crying,” or tears that we’re not shedding. Makes sense, especially during the Water Faucet Phase when I have to walk around with Kleenex stuffed up my nose just so I don’t drip on the carpet. So attractive. If I ever wondered why I’m still single, that might be a clue right there.

I believe Mom learned the inner crying thing from a Louise Hay book. I don’t like to focus on the negative, but when this particular malady hits me, I stop to think about what I’m not crying about that maybe I should be. Well small wonder this time around: there’s been just a little stress in the last couple months with moving cross-country, the financial strain of increased living expenses, family pressure regarding my daughter, and I really miss being in my relationship. Add to that a small misunderstanding between myself, my ex, and his new girlfriend and I can see why it’s raining inside my head.

Oddly (or not), I was trolling through a message board tonight and came across a link to the Louise Hay video below. It took me three hours to watch it because every five minutes I had to hit pause and email the link to someone I was reminded of by what was being said, or to write things down that I wanted to remember. None of it was wisdom I hadn’t heard before, but over time you forget what you’ve learned and it’s always good to bring that info back to the front of your consciousness.

If you’ve got an hour and a half to spare (unless you’re like me, and will have to hit pause several hundred times), this is well worth the view.

Speaking of views, I went to dinner tonight with a new acquaintance and we continued our conversation in a stroll down the beach afterwards. I’ve never been down there after dark because a) generally on the East coast it’s a no-no to be on the beach after the sun goes down, and b) wandering around alone in an unfamiliar place that could be potentially deserted and/or dangerous did not seem like a good idea. I’m crazy, not stupid. (For the record, it wasn’t deserted or dangerous. Must be why they call it Moonlight Beach – duh.)

If you and I were communicating through something other than two-dimensional words right now, you would be hearing those little gasps of unbelieveability people make when they are grasping for a description that is beyond language, while my hands made flailing motions to indicate the futility of speech.

Crescent moon glowing in a clear night sky… sea of stars reflected in a vast expanse of deep blue… the pulsing rhythm of waves rolling onto the sand… BAH. None of it can recreate the image that was before my eyes. I’ve seen some pretty awe-inspiring nature-rific panoramas in my travels, but WOW. All I can say is run – do not walk – to your nearest Pacific Ocean after sunset. Hollywood can’t come close to this kind of scene.