4am Musings on Consciousness & Trying to Lose It

The Strange Link Between the Human Mind and Quantum Physics
http://www.bbc.com/earth/story/20170215-the-strange-link-between-the-human-mind-and-quantum-physics

I logged onto Facebook to say happy birthday to a friend and instead got sidetracked by the article above, which a different friend and fellow super-nerd posted on his page. The article talks about the link between consciousness and quantum mechanics (if you have a basic understanding of physics and quantum mechanics, no need to read the first part - scroll/skip down to where they start talking about Roger Penrose - he's on the Fibonacci spiral staircase). Just some light reading before bed to try to fall asleep - HAHA. This kind of thing has the opposite effect of shutting off my brain, but I knew if I didn't read it right now, chances are I would forget to read it tomorrow, and since I've spent the day thinking about energy and consciousness and such, off I went down the rabbit hole for some more. I mean really, what's a couple more hours when I already know I will have to sleep away half the day to catch up with myself? Stupid clocks.

I am proud (and a little surprised) to say that as soon as they started talking about the quantum superpositions of molecules involved in neural signaling, I was *instantly* at entanglement as a solution - which they outlined further down the article. :) (All Tom Swifties/puns intended.) In fact, I was just talking about entanglement and resistance today to a different friend, and even used plants as an analogy, so it's a bit quantumly freaky that this article pops up and mentions the same things tonight, although why am I surprised given the subject?

The problem I see with the direction Matthew Fisher is going with measuring phosphorus spin in Posner molecules is that he will loop back around on himself and find out that you can't determine a measurement on anything that we are creating ourselves - as described in the double-slit experiment, we (our consciousness) change the outcome based on our observation no matter how you try to measure it.

(And I seriously don't know why they think the idea or study of quantum consciousness is anything new... people have been discussing magick for eons. They've just slapped a different label on it lately.)

There is no perspective available from outside our own brains, which are making this up as we go along (and they already said in the article that they're considering solipsism, so duh). In order to create a definition, you have to have something to oppose what you are defining. In other words, you cannot say what is without saying what isn't (at least not in this realm). Consciousness and quantum mechanics both seem to deal with the space between - they are neither what is or what isn't, it always comes down to the cloud of possibilities, which is infinite and always affected by our choices.

One thing I disagree with in the article is:

"With the exception of people with visual impairments, we all know what red is like, but we have no way to communicate the sensation"

Wrong. In the movie Mask back in 1985 starring Cher (the one about Rocky Dennis, who had craniodiaphyseal dysplasia), there was a brilliant scene where Rocky helps his blind girlfriend understand visual concepts such as "red" and "billowy clouds" by using a warm rock and cotton balls (respectively) to stimulate the senses she has access to in order to create a definition of qualia previously unavailable to her brain. (In fact, it's the only thing I took away from that movie.)

However, I will give them this: proving that the mind affects the outcome of measurements (which we've already done) does not mean we can prove what's "real" (which is subjective anyway), but could give credence to the theory that we create our own realities. But again, that will loop back around on us because if we are creating everything as it happens, and it's only a product of our own minds (individual or collective), then consciousness and quantum mechanics is the same because there is no way for our brains to form an opposing definition of either one. It is, and we are, all one.

And now I really must sleep for pete's sake. The sun will come around the corner any minute. You know what would be really useful? Sleep mode in our quantum brains that you can select from a menu and click...

Oh shit. And I have to go back and say happy birthday to my friend!

In For a Penny, and For Faeries

I knew it!!!

The other day I cleaned up my front patio, finally put some flowers in the planters (mostly because I know more hummingbirds will come to the feeder if there are also pretty blooms to lick :), and had the idea to place one of the small pots by the front door, not with flowers in it, but with pennies instead. The inspiration turned out amazingly more appropriate than I imagined, but honestly, I don't know why these things still surprise me. If you believe in magic and go looking for it, you will find it. Duh.

You see, I have this bit of a tree stump to the left of my entrance. It was part of a load of firewood I bought a couple years ago. It started out in a different place on the patio as a decorative thing (I had a turtle sitting on it - fake, of course, because can you imagine trying to teach a turtle to sit and stay? I don't think even Cesar Millan could do that). The wood was further spared its flaming death when I got the idea to use it as an organic door stop; I was tired of playing Beat the Clock with my lock and key while trying to avoid the loud crash of the screen slamming into the wall. (I was winning the game, but the competition was making me tense.)

Half the top of the stump is flat so a small item is easily placed upon it, but the other half is slanted, making it difficult to satisfy my desire for symmetry. Flowers seemed a logical choice as they can hang over the slanted half, but very little light reaches that area and all the flowers I bought were for full sun. I tried several small things from around the house like garden Buddhas and lizard statues, but nothing seemed right. I was trying to think of something colorful to bring light to the area when I caught sight of one of the small, empty red pots. My mind's eye saw pennies in it.

Now don't laugh, but when I placed the penny pot on the stump, there was some remnant of memory running around my neurons that told me leaving shiny pennies by the door (and they do have to be shiny) brings the faeries around, which is associated with good luck. I searched my memory banks for why that was or where I heard that, but there were zero results. I gave up, thinking surely it was Irish folklore and perhaps I was pulling info from my genetic memory. (I am both Irish and Scottish, Land of the Wee Folk.) My logical Left Brain (which dabbles in creative thinking on the rarest of occasions, mostly preferring to leave that to the Right half of the head) barreled in saying no matter; it's got to be good modern feng shui anyhow.

I washed and dried the pot and went after my change jar looking for pennies. Imagine my surprise when I dumped all the change on the bed and out from the bottom spilled two healthy handfuls of brand new copper. I'd forgotten that the last time I rolled change, I'd kept all the shiniest pennies. I believe it's always good luck to leave some change in the jar so you continue attracting more, and just as bright, shiny things are more attractive to me, it stands to reason they would attract more energy from the Universe. True to the thought, lots of silver coins had piled on top of my saved pennies, obscuring them until the opportune moment. Luck? I think not. Quantum planning perhaps.

In feng shui, red is used to stir up movement or excited activity (which is why it's hard to sleep in a bedroom decorated in red). Wood indicates growth and creativity. Metal brings power and success in finance (especially if you're using money, duh). Therefore - regardless of the Fae - putting shiny copper money in a red pot, sitting on a big piece of wood by the entry of your home has to be a pretty powerful cocktail to increase money flow, don't you think? I didn't actually know that though until five minutes ago when I looked all that up while writing this. So, like... wow!

(By the way... apparently it's working. I've had two more people book dog sitting time all the way out in Sept/Oct, my new freelance client just gave me more work, and I was contacted by Pearson asking if I had time to do some work for them! Woohoo!)

But then... THEN... being who I am, I still had to know why I thought a Penny Pot would attract faeries. I mean, there was no evolution to this idea, it just sort of showed up in my brain. Some googling turned up that Jonathan Wright in Ann Arbor, MI actually builds tiny fairy doors for the wee folk! How cool is that?! (Don't think I won't be getting one of THOSE like yesterday!) I found another page HERE about the doors... seeing that people do leave pennies as offerings just supports my theory that this has some sort of folklore background to it. Why not dimes, which are smaller and worth more? What is it about copper pennies? Why have so many people just decided that's the thing faeries like?

Oddly, I can't find a darn bit of mythology on this in Google. This brings to mind a sign I snapped a pic of just a few days ago:

Hmm.

I will update this if I find the answer. Once again it's 3:07am, and words are robbing me of sleep.

As for the "I knew it!!!" at the beginning, I've kind of written myself out and around that... oops. Originally I said that because of finding the thing about leaving pennies at the fairy doors, but the more I delved into that, the more I realized it still didn't answer my "what IS the folklore of this pennies by the door?" question. So I guess I still have research to do.

One more thing before closing though: one of the reasons I haven't posted for so long—again (Gods!)—is because a few weeks ago I received a real live, honest-to-goodness bound and printed, dead trees and ink paperback novel written by my friend Jenn Flynn-Shon. It's titled Ripple The Twine, which always makes me think of magic (I mean c'mon, doesn't it sound like some sort of magical phrase?), but actually it's about a goal-driven chick who likes hockey and has put her relationship status on hold for far too long when she meets a hot Irish guy (hey, wait a minute, weren't we just talking about the Irish?) and shenanigans ensue. It's Jenn's first publishing endeavor and the day I got it I sat down and started writing a blog about the experience of receiving a copy of a REAL book that your friend wrote as a professional author, and how that affected me and my aspirations for a writing career. I was determined I would not make another blog post until I posted about her book. However, between reading her novel, taking on a new freelance client, and Life In General, I have not made the time to put the finishing touches on that post. Therefore, consider this pre-cursor a lame attempt to placate my guilty conscience for completing this entry before the one about her book, but truly, you should go check it out RIGHT HERE and buy a copy! I am so proud that she is truly a published author, and she's out there marketing it all by herself. Yay for the Internet and the opportunity it's created to self-publish! I'm so happy for her. More on that coming soon!

Time to Speculate

What would happen if everyone could choose, individually, how much time their day consisted of? For instance: you choose 30 hours for today and your friend chooses only 10, but both of you have the perception that your days are the same length.

At some point in our lives, we've all said (or at least thought): "there's not enough time in a day..." or "I wish I had more time..." or "what I would give for just another hour to get this done..."

Well what if you really could have all the time you wanted before bedtime? What if you could stretch or shorten your day as much as you wish? Would you ever sleep again? Would you ever wake up? Would it be like the Twin Paradox where you've only aged a day but everyone else aged years or decades?

Just a fun thing to think about. I'm sure there's an episode of Twilight Zone or something out there with this idea. Or perhaps this is already how it is and that's why some people are more productive in their days than others!

Is Seeing Still Believing?

Check out this video and listen to what he's saying about aliasing (fast forward thru his demo of the tuning fork on the piano to :30):

Aliasing is the reason the tines of the tuning fork appear to be moving back and forth (fluctuating) when filmed at high speed. They're not really - he explains that the reason they LOOK like they are is because the video is filming at almost twice the speed of the vibration of the tines, therefore the Nysquist Frequency is in effect.

So what you're seeing is not really happening. (Well, the fork is vibrating, but the tines are not moving back and forth altho they certainly appear to be.) It is a false frequency. Your brain is being fooled into believing there is additional movement that is not actually taking place. Interesting that we are so easily misled by our eyes, yes? Also compelling that they use the term "aliasing" to describe this phenomenon. Google defines alias as: "as known or named at another time or place."

What other false frequencies are we subject to? What other time or place might we be living in?

If our brain is so gullible, why do we trust our eyes (or other senses) to define our world? I read an interesting tidbit the other day about how our brains have more activity when seeing something new than when receiving expected visual input.

"Predictable sights trigger less brain activity than unfamiliar stimuli, bolstering the view that the brain is not merely reactive, but generates predictions based on the recent past. 'The brain expects to see things and really just wants to confirm it now and again,' says Lars Muckli..." (NewScientist.com)

A thought to add to that is it is generally accepted by the scientific community that our body regenerates itself every seven years (some cells are closer to 15, but still not nearly the same as your chronological age). If that's true, why do we retain long-term illnesses for decades? For that matter, why do we HEAL? What makes things change or stay the same?

If our brains are unconsciously predicting the future for us, and therefore we are always re-creating our present situation without thought, it's no wonder the more things change, the more they stay the same. Perhaps we are the alias - the false frequency that isn't really happening. Who's to say the rate at which our eyes perceive is the same frequency at which our brain processes the information?

"Reality is an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." ~ Albert Einstein

I Am That I Am, or Am I?

My mother and I had an interesting conversation in email yesterday. She sent me a link to an article published by Telegraph.co.uk asking the question, "Do We Want Brain Scanners To Read Our Minds?" You can read the full text here. (This is what happens when you proofread college-level science textbooks for extra cash - you are no longer interested in reality TV, late night hosts and guests [unless it's Jason Mraz of course], or CSI-type dramas. Thank God.)

The article covers testing of a new neuro-technology that uses functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging (fMRI) to track brain activity in people in an official Persistent Vegetative State (different from a coma). It has allowed doctors and researchers to communicate (or so they believe) with a 29-year-old man that's been vegging out since 2003. (Oh c'mon, how could I not go there?) The disturbing news is that if the communication is real, many people in this state could be conscious and literally unable to move a muscle. The prior belief was that these people were "awake but not aware."

Imagine being buried alive and you'll start getting the idea. You can see, hear, smell, taste, and feel everything - but you are absolutely unable to communicate or do anything about the sensory input you receive. Actually, being awake six feet under might be preferable since you could at least scratch an itch and scream if you wanted. Those things are not possible if your brain has become this ambiguous. Suddenly rush hour traffic on the 5 pales in comparison to that kind of lesson in patience.

Mom asked for my thoughts on the article, and I thought you might find it interesting too. I wrote back to her:

I actually read something in that book on the brain [I've been reading] just the other day that was relative and also blew me away. Check out this paragraph:

Pain and body image are closely related. We always experience pain as projected into the body. When you throw your back out, you say, "My back is killing me!" and not, "My pain system is killing me." But as phantoms [limbs] show, we don't need a body part or even pain receptors to feel pain. We need only a body image, produced by our brain maps. People with actual limbs don't usually realize this because the body images of our limbs are perfectly projected, onto our actual limbs, making it impossible to distinguish our body image from our body. "Your own body is a phantom," says Ramachandran, "one that your brain has constructed purely for convenience."

If this is true (and I believe it is), think of how that relates to being dead - would the body image still be projected even tho there is no longer a living physical body, and that's why we get "ghosts" that stick around for three days (or more) then finally move on? Does it take some designated time period in this continuum (perhaps specific to the individual) for the projected image to fade? And if so, the million dollar question would be what IS projecting that image then? Cuz at that point it wouldn't be any physical part of us like the brain. This begs the question: What is the (or is there a) difference between mind and soul?

The book goes on to talk about distorted body images, such as how people who are anorexic literally "see" themselves as fat. That leads me to tie into the article you sent me... if the vegetative state means consciousness is still working but the body is not, is that a physical impairment or a body image impairment? Is this why some of them "wake up?" Hmmm!!!! Perhaps the plasticity of the brain finally repairs the neural networks enough to allow them to "wake up" and move?

As for the last couple paragraphs of the article - I love how often Descartes is coming up these days. I think Science is finally shedding the last of the "machine view" skin. There is just too much evidence of the plasticity of not only the brain, but all our functionality here in this realm, both physical and otherwise. I think a more accurate statement these days would be "I am therefore I am."

The dark side of all this info, of course, is the old adage about once you open the door, ANYONE can walk through, good or bad. (Reference the atomic bomb, right?) Therefore, yay for us advancing technology and science, but NOT yay for what the government could then justify using it for.

There was another article I was going to post in a separate blog, but it's kind of related so at the risk of really giving y'all a time sink (if you're interested enough to read both full articles), I will include the link now.

It's published by MIT News and covers another budding technique using MRI sensors to detect dopamine's progress through the brain, thus giving a look into our thoughts regarding motivation, reward, addiction, and possibly even some new clues to Parkinson's disease. The full text is here.

I received the link to this bit of info from a friend that is into nanotechnology and "directed evolution." He was interested in the error-prone PCR methodology, which is WAY above my head, but I found the news interesting nonetheless. As Switchfoot says, those genetic engineers are the most high tech!

All thoughts and comments are welcome. I love discussion on this type of thing!

Excessive Income

Awhile back I was watching the Louise Hay video, You Can Heal Your Life. It was shortly after I was laid off, and I was depressed about having to look for another job (I am not good at selling myself so the interview process is stressful), and I was just generally in an icky mood, so I figured this might help improve things. And it did.

During the video one of the people they interviewed mentions she uses this affirmation: My income in constantly increasing. For whatever reason, that phrase, at that moment, said in just that way, really hit it right with me. I wrote it down, posted it on my mirror, and I said it anytime I would lay eyes on it.

It seemed to work because I started getting calls to do odd jobs and I made a few extra bucks here and there. Nothing that would replace my income, but enough to have some play money besides getting all the bills paid with unemployment benefits. The more dollars that dribbled in, the more I believed this phrase was the reason. Honestly, it has not let me down in the last 10 months!

There is a spiritual store in Oceanside that I've mentioned before, Kindred Journeys, and they hold all sorts of interesting classes there. I especially enjoy the ones lead by Teri Mahaney. At one of these classes I related the story of finding this affirmation and how well it's worked for me. I went on to say that I wished I could communicate to the Universe that I would like to increase my income to a level where I no longer have to live paycheck to paycheck. I'm always grateful for money coming in, but I would really like the security of knowing the Universe's endless supply of same is available to me at any local ATM! Teri suggested changing my affirmation to: My income exceeds my expenses.

I was having a little trouble with this because although I think it's a good affirmation, the word "exceeds" somehow holds a negative connotation in the right side of my brain, as if it automatically reverses "income" and "expenses" in the request I'm making each time I say it. I think this is because I've often been told that I live beyond my means and I should not let my expenses exceed my income. I can't tell you how many times I've heard those exact words, especially from my parents.

Logically (left brain) I know the technical words are correct and okay in context, but there is just something about it that doesn't FEEL good, so I'm afraid what I'm putting out there is exactly opposite of what I intend. Obviously, that's not cool! I've already proven I can easily spend more than I make. I certainly don't need any help with that!

I've tried modifying the phrase as such: My income always far exceeds my expenses. I figured putting a couple other words in there to separate "income" and "expenses" would give the neurons an extra nanosecond to clarify and fully comprehend what I mean. The new version sounds a little better in my head, but there's still that tiny nagging doubt, almost like the Brain KNOWS I'm just trying to fool it or something. I seriously think my Left Brain wanted to be a lawyer.

In the past week I've really been having some panic issues because all along I've been thinking my benefits will run out in mid-March. I don't remember how I came to this conclusion, but that was the time frame on my mental calendar. For the past several months, I've really stepped up my effort. I've been applying all sorts of places online, I signed up with a couple employment agencies, and I have even forced myself to put aside my shyness and go out there to NETWORK (please. kill. me. now!).

I have gotten ZERO response (from established companies). I mean it. And I'm not some unqualified idiot drone type person either. I have plenty of experience, it's been varied so I can handle lots of different things, and I've always gotten great reviews from my peers and superiors alike. My resume is written properly and professionally, I have multiple resumes for various positions, I taylor each one to the job I'm applying for - I do all the right things, so how is it possible I'm getting CRICKETS?!

I do actually have some freelance projects for Pearson right now, and those are great because the money comes in a big chunk when I'm done. The timing is getting worrisome though because the end of these projects keep getting delayed, and Pearson takes 60 days to pay (SIXTY!) after you invoice, so the help from these projects may not come until it's too late.

If I'm being completely honest too, just in the last few days I've actually received three responses to jobs I applied for on craigslist, but I'm a bit afraid the pay will be too low so I might be wasting my time on those. But that's just in the last two to three days - literally. They do offer some hope.

I've been saying my affirmation and still getting the little odd jobs here and there, I've been expressing my gratitude for everything I DO have (because honestly, even on the limited budget, my life ROCKS compared to many), but I can't seem to break that barrier into having a true, reliable source of income again.

So tonight I go to the mailbox because I know my unemployment check is in there. Turns out there are THREE things from EDD (California's unemployment agency). I open the first one and it is a notice stating that I've reported some income on the last check period and confirming that the information I reported was correct. Superfluous paperwork wasting the taxpayer's money, I swear. If they would just put all this online, California would probably gain some of their revenue back.

Second piece of mail from them is the check for the OTHER week in the pay period where I did not report income. Thank God. That will be paying my rent tomorrow. And OMG... wait a minute... what is this? Is that balance correct? Turns out I have enough still in my reserve to go another ELEVEN weeks. Not just four. That is a HUGE relief. Not that I desire to be on unemployment another three months, but I was thinking I might be homeless by April! I'm not kidding! I've been pushing away all kinds of awful Hollywood-induced scenarios in my head.

Third piece of mail is a notice (AGAIN!) - apparently from the Redundant Department of Redundancy telling me I reported income on my last benefit period which is why I get nothing for that week. It says:

Note the wording: No benefits are payable because I reported EXCESSIVE EARNINGS. I had EXCESSIVE EARNINGS! That means A LOT OF INCOME! EXCESSIVE EVEN! And I can tell there is something about putting it this way that doesn't sound bad to my brain. I can't stress enough how key the emotion behind the thought is. The Universe hears your underlying intent, always. You cannot LIE to the Cosmos. Somehow this combination of words hits the Right Brain properly and FEELS as well as sounds like hey, I manifested LOTS of money! So much that I can't collect unemployment that week! Actually, it took me several months to make all that money, it just came in one check so I only had to report on one week, but still... EXCESSIVE INCOME! WOO!

I just thought their choice of words was so funny. This is how God talks to you though, if you care to listen. Little coincidences and hints. Divine winks. It's like a treasure hunt. I actually have to give the credit for the part of my personality that thrives on that to my Mom. Sometimes on birthdays and especially at Easter (not that we were ever Christian), she would write clues for me and leave a trail I had to follow and figure out to find my presents or the Easter basket. It was a lot of fun.

Not to get too far off the subject, but there was a day when my friend M and I were hiking, and met up with a guy that had FOUR dogs off leash on the trail. At first we were worried, but it was quickly obvious he had complete verbal control over these dogs. We asked him how he got them trained so well and he said, "I don't issue commands, I make it fun. Dogs respond to fun." I think humans do too. But I digress.

That's what I desire - excessive income all the time. Who doesn't want so much money in the bank they don't have to worry about it the rest of their lives?

Apparently I really need to write "the damn book" too (definitely the working title as I've already said it so often). Maybe that's how I will have excessive income forever. Last night I picked up a local publication that's been sitting around my room for weeks waiting to be read. On the front cover is a headline about a local guy that's a retired FBI agent (I've been wearing Katy's FBI sweatshirt a lot lately because it's so comfortable) who wrote a book that became a bestseller. Hmmm - FBI - books - authors. All words related to me in some way. I open the magazine looking for the article on the author and I "happen" to open to a half page ad with DRAGONFLY scrawled across it. Apparently this is the name of a new plant nursery in Pala. I couldn't have missed the word though if it was plastered to my face. Like the Universe calling my name. Some may find that too much of a stretch to qualify it as a message, but not me. If those subjects were all truly unrelated, I would've missed the memo.

One more last little wisdom sound bite for you... last night the bf and I were on IM talking about what he makes on Google AdSense. He has a regular day job right now as well. I was saying that what he makes JUST from ads would pay my bills every month. He related how it is important to make free money while you work someplace else if you want a really good income. (You don't have to tell me free money is good! DUH!) He says a friend of his put it best: Don't work on products, work on engines. Engines that make money while you're not there. I'm not surprised this made an impression on him since he's a train fanatic so the word "engine" would be something his brain would easily latch onto.

I had never thought of it in that way, but it clicked for me too. (Must be the product part of it and my marketing background.) Engines, not products. Just the idea the words portray indicate movement (i.e., INcome - incoming) vs. something stationary. He pointed out that a book is an engine because you will still be getting royalties (one would hope) long after you're working on the next one. I'd always viewed it as a product... until now.

So to circle back again to the original subject, I think I will modify my affirmation to: My income is EXCESSIVE all the time. And if the lottery or a book or some other form of free money is my engine, I'll gladly hop on and ride it as long as it goes!

Winter Stories: Get Your Mug O' Hot Chocolate & Cozy Up

Story #1
I don't know who the architect was of the condo I live in, or if it was even that person that made this decision, but somewhere someone in the early 80s thought it would be a good idea to use radiant heat in my place instead of a conventional furnace. Normally I would be thrilled - who wouldn't love walking on warm floors in bare feet in the colder months? Except this genius decided to put the radiant heat in the CEILING, not the floor, even though the floor is tile and therefore would definitely benefit from some heat. Newsflash in Thermodynamics Einstein: Heat rises.
Needless to say, I do not use the provided heating system in my house. The downstairs unit may take care of upstairs, but upstairs would definitely only be keeping the spiders warm in the attic, and those little bastards don't pay rent.
Last year I purchased a couple space heaters from craigslist.com and they worked out pretty well. Even with three of them cranking they're not too bad on my power bill and they keep the areas I occupy warm enough.
One of the heaters did a great job heating the room, but the thermostat never seemed to work properly so it just kept heating and heating unless you were there to turn it on and off yourself. This was only annoying when I needed to leave the house for long periods; then I would have to choose whether I wanted to return to a freezer, or South America with Spunky (the iguana) sprawled out on his shelf sporting zinc on his nose and a margarita in hand.
This year, being unemployed, I decided I cannot afford to have a faulty thermostat helping SDG&E raid my bank account, so I kept watch for the same type of heater on craigslist. I finally found one for only $25 (I spent $40 on the first one; retail was like $80+ USD) and went to grab it. It looks exactly like the old one with a few extra scuffs. At home tonight I plugged it in and set the thermostat just as the gorgeous surfer dude showed me (amazing I even remembered how, I was so entranced by his steel blue eyes). It heated up past what I had set it at, then the temp number started blinking. I felt above the heater - still very hot. Hmmm. I waited a bit. I felt again. Still felt like heat coming out. I'm thinking darnit, this one doesn't work either! Maybe this is some faulty thing with all of these Honeywell models.
I sat playing with it awhile longer. Eventually I figured out that when the temp blinks, it has turned itself off to cool down, however, it doesn't feel like it because the metal grate above the heating element takes a long time to really cool off. Oh. Ok, my bad. So it IS working properly. Well yay for that.
I watched it do its thing for about 10 minutes, then I got to thinking. I wonder if I made a mistake with the old one and just didn't set it properly? Only one way to find out. I drag the old one upstairs and repeat the test process. Turns out it works perfectly! Now who's the dumbass about heating? ::sigh::
So anyone need an extra space heater? I mean seriously - when it gets down to 63°F, down blankets and wool socks just aren't enough!
~*~
Story #2
Last Saturday I attended a class on Brain State & Consciousness offered by Teri Mahaney at a new age store in Oceanside. It was a great class, but that was the third time I'd forgotten to bring something to write notes in. The Jeep hauls around enough "just in case" items to make any Girl Scout leader fall over with pride (no, I was never one of them), but paper is not among these items unless you count the deposit envelopes in the console, or the Starbucks contraband napkins in the glove compartment.
After the class I was determined to remedy this oversight, so I decided to stop by Barnes & Noble to buy a really cool notebook I'd seen that was on clearance (yes it was $7 - hell no, a $3 spiral bound from the drug store will not satisfy a Mac-toting, Starbucks-drinking, Whole Foods-shopping Snob Like Me).
Have I mentioned how DANGEROUS it is to let me loose in Barnes & Noble?
As I headed to the car consoling my wallet, I noticed Santa Claus sitting in the cafe reading a book. No, seriously, it was him. Round cheeks, big belly, white hair/beard, glasses, Reebok sneakers. If it wasn't him, I'll bet the dude never wears red lest he be accosted by small children everywhere he goes.
I made it to the car to leave, but my silly child-brain was poking me and giggling the entire way about how cool would it be to sit in B&N and read next to Santa Claus? (How old am I?) Even tho I had no intention whatsoever of speaking to him or saying anything about what I was thinking, the idea was just too much to resist. So I went back in with my books and sat down to read there. He even had THE PLATE WITH COOKIE CRUMBS NEXT TO HIM. C'mon! It was HIM!
I tried to sneak a peek at what he was reading but I couldn't see the title without looking like an idiot. I must've read for about an hour, or as long as it took to finish my latte anyhow. He eventually put down his book, took a snooze (I'm serious) for about 10 minutes, then got up and left in his sleigh. Ok, maybe it wasn't a sleigh, but I'll bet he had reindeer stuffed in the trunk. No, really.
I had such a nice time reading the other day tho that I went back tonight after picking up the heater just to be out of the house for awhile. I was looking for Augusten Burroughs' new book, You Better Not Cry. I thought it would be just like his previous publications - a regular size memoir - but it turns out these were just Christmas stories in a smaller, more compact read.
And read I did. In fact, I sat there and read the ENTIRE book in three hours. Straight through with one break for coffee. Which is good because then I didn't spend money buying the book (sorry Augusten!) but it was very funny in his normal morbid kind of way - MUCH better than his last full-length book, A Wolf At The Table. That one just made me cringe the entire way through and I hope never to read something that depressing again. You Better Not Cry was good though. It made me laugh out loud several times, to the point I was trying to suppress it so people didn't stare.
Lovely - there was a point to tell you that story, but I've been interrupted in writing it so many times I forget the point now. So I guess you'll just have to take it for what it's worth.
Ok, I remembered. Sort of. While in B&N, I also decided to pick up two classic children's stories for my Godnephew for Christmas. One was Shel Silverstein's The Giving Tree, and the other was Maurice Sendak's Where The Wild Things Are. I remembered having read these stories maybe once or twice as a kid, but I did not remember what each story was about. I only knew they were classics, and certainly every kid should have the classics in his library, even if he's only 2 years old. I was being a good Godmother, right?
I get home with these books and decide I should read them to refresh my memory. I wish I had done this in the store now. First I open The Giving Tree. In my adult life I've heard over and over what a great spiritual message it sends, or perhaps it was supposed to have a really good moral to the story. I can't really remember, so I dive in.
It's about this tree that loves a little boy. And the little boy asks for things from the tree constantly - all through his growing up years. And the tree always gives him what he wants... all the way to the end when the boy is an old man and just wants a place to sit and the tree can only offer the stump the boy has turned it into as a place to rest.
And then the book ended.
Wait, WHAT?
Where is the awesome moral? The spiritual message? Isn't there at least some GRATITUDE? The tree gives and gives and gives, and the kid takes and takes and takes - even chops it down to build a boat for his own selfish purposes - and never gives ANYTHING back to the tree? Doesn't even plant a new one? What is he, the CEO of a logging company? WTF??!! HE CHOPPED DOWN A TREE and was completely selfish and THIS is a great book that has become a classic? Ok, well it says he loved the tree, but I have a hard time believing asking more and more of something and never giving anything back is a good example of love. Or perhaps that's the exact message. But I don't see how a kid would get that message out of the book. It was hard for ME to salvage that from the story!
To me, this book says he only loved the tree for what it could give him. That is not Love in my world. Love is shared. Love is a two way street. A mutual thing. You take, but you also GIVE. The tree was the only one doing any giving here. I've read Silverstein's other books - A Light In The Attic was one of my favorites as a kid and I had several of his other works. He's probably the only poetry besides Dr. Suess that I've ever enjoyed, but THIS... maybe I'm missing the point, but this is a SUCKY story. Chopping down trees is sacrilege in my book (all puns intended) to begin with. Besides, the picture of Shel on the back cover would give a kid nightmares. What editor picked THAT photo? Dumbass. This book is SOOO going back.
Ok, so that one wasn't what I thought it would be. Surely Sendak's work - which is now a major motion picture - is better. I crack this one open.
Max, the main character, backtalks his mother and gets sent to his room without supper. But instead of being remorseful and thinking about how crappy he treated his elder, or the story supporting respect for your parents, the kid grows a forest in his imagination, travels to "where the wild things are," becomes their king, treats them shitty the same way he felt he was treated, finally gets bored, goes home, and finds that his mother (presumably) has left his dinner in his room for him.
Wait, WHAT?! WHAT??!!
The kid acts like a total brat and gets punished for it, then spreads the negativity to imaginary creatures, and comes home to be REWARDED??! Are you KIDDING me?
Ok, MAYBE forgiveness is the message here? But that would mean it's forgiveness on his parent's part, and what of his being a brat in the first place? Shouldn't the lesson be NOT to be a 'tard to begin with? Forgiveness is such a stretch, and again, how is a CHILD supposed to get that out of this story? My ADULT brain had to really dig around for that one.
What is WRONG with these authors? And HOW - pray tell - have THESE particular books become such "classics?" I can only think that they are popular because people my age who had them as kids saw nothing wrong with how the characters acted because they were a bunch of spoiled brats themselves, and to a worm in horseradish, the world IS horseradish (as quoted recently in a MUCH better book for bigger, more intelligent kids: What The Dog Saw by Malcolm Gladwell - I HEART HIM!!).
And THAT, my friends, is exactly what's wrong with the world today. Nothing but brats born in the 60s turning into bigger, older brats and seeing nothing wrong with their bratty behavior because they have NO respect for their elders. At the risk of sounding just like my grandparents, what is this world coming to?!
Both of these books are going back. No wonder I don't remember them from when I was a kid. Their messages suck. If anyone has a better explanation of what I'm missing that others must be getting from these stories, PLEASE PLEASE enlighten me.
~*~
Story #3
Today was trash day in our neighborhood. I'm always grateful for the G-man on Wednesdays because I never want to take for granted the fact that I don't have to deal with the trash I create beyond getting it out of my house to the curb. What a blessing! I think too many of us don't often think about where it goes after that, or the people it takes to get it there. Or that we should really be making a much bigger effort to send less of it wherever it ends up. But that's another blog...
I personally have it down to less than one kitchen-size bag of trash per week, except for when I clean the chinchilla cages and I have a second bag full of their nasty peed-on cage substrate, which is all biodegradable anyway. The roommate has added a bit more to my weekly refuse, but mostly we are less trashy than most of my neighbors. And I mean that literally when I talk about the asshole with the two always-screaming children and mufflerless Harley under my bedroom window.
When I moved in and realized I had to buy my own rubbish bin, I bought a 42-gallon wheeled thing that I knew I would never fill in a week, but figured bigger is always better for those few occasions when not everything fits, right?
The first time I left it on the curb on trash day I got it back with a terse note that they would not empty anything larger than a 32-gallon can. Oops. Sorry guys. I took the 42-gallon back to Home Depot and got the smaller can. Everyone was happy.
Today though, the garbage man not only took stuff, he left us all a present. Apparently Waste Management got a new contract, or new truck, or something because everyone in my little condo complex received a brand new GIGANTIC plastic city-owned trash bin. This thing is the size of Kansas. Even bigger than the original 42-gallon one they were so upset about. I guess the trucks have stronger back muscles than The Man.
Unfortunately fitting this monster in my garage has been a challenge. It's only a one-car garage and with all my daughter's stuff packed up in boxes in there, there's not much room left for things besides the washer/dryer and the Jeep.
Now that it's 3am and my brain is getting fuzzy, I don't know why this is news, but it did make me laugh earlier trying to fit it in the garage. I swear the Jeep actually glared at it because the only place for it is right in front of its nose. I tried along the side but squeezing the car between that and the other wall was just too much maneuvering. The Condo Association won't let us keep cans outside where anyone can see them - not even on the back patio (not that I would want it there anyway), but seriously, where do they think we have room for these things? Why wasn't I consulted? Oh yeah, maybe if I'd go to the Condo Assoc. meetings I would know. :)
Okay, time for bed. I just discovered I have other blog entries I haven't even finished from awhile back, but there's no way I'm staying awake for that. I'm not even going to proofread this. Ooooo - living dangerously!

I Broke Facebook With Thoughts

The other day my friend Ray posted a video on his Facebook page of Carl Sagan explaining the fourth dimension. You should watch it before reading the rest of this post (only 7 minutes):

I LOVE Sagan's analogy because it makes it so easy to understand the idea of why we have trouble seeing/experiencing other dimensions. (And listening to him talk just cracks me up.) The video started all kinds of quantum wanderings in my head. I intended to blog about my mental musings, but Mark gave me the perfect opportunity to post them first on Facebook by making his status read: [Insert Profound Thought Here]. I obliged with what was forming in my head, and accordingly he replied with his own thoughts and questions.

The odd part is that after I submitted my second long post in response to his counterpoints, Facebook lost the entire thread. It wouldn't let me post any more comments and even the ones that appeared previously are not viewable. I had no trouble viewing or posting on anyone else's page, but this particular conversation was OVER. I dunno if I blew Facebook's brain or the aliens were like, "Oh no you didn't!" but the entire discussion is gone.

However... smart pirates have backups. :) Yarrrr. Internet gremlins be damned! Since I was going to blog about it anyway, I was saving the convo elsewhere, so the following is the discussion we were having...

Him: Status: [INSERT PROFOUND THOUGHT]

Me: Ok... if Carl Sagan can hold up a clear plastic cube and create a shadow of it on paper thus illustrating how 3D becomes 2D; then he shows us a clear plastic 3D representation of a tesseract and says that's like a shadow of 4D becoming 3D; and if the 3rd dimension is defined as the directions of back/forth, up/down, side/side, and the fourth dimension is measured as adding the element of time to the 3D directions, then considering all that should the element added to 3D to create 4D actually NOT be time, but "within/without" instead (I mean look at how the "shadow" of a tesseract looks - one cube within another), and if so, how do we measure "within/without?" By an emotional scale? Is that profound enough for you?

Him: I don't believe time was considered one of the dimensions in a tesseract, however. It's four spatial dimensions that it represents. The questions is, if there are more than three spatial dimensions, how many objects that are four dimensional (+) intersect our three dimensions and defy explanation by their behavior because we are unaware of the activities taking place in the other spatial dimension for them?

Me: That's what I'm saying - time SHOULDNT be considered in measuring or describing a tesseract (because what is describing something in our world besides measuring it?). Time is always considered in measuring distance (distance = the time it takes to get from A to B, yes?) and MATHEMATIC tesseracts involve measurements of distance through the spatial relationships of one cube to another. If the distances of the vertices are not all equal then it's not a tesseract but some other poly-shape, right? So time is involved in some way through the measurement of distance when describing that particular form mathematically. But since (as Ray said) time is only a human thing then it only exists in the dimension WE live in - the 3rd dimension, yes? Generally, we cannot extract ourselves from the use of time/distance as a measurement of our world. Just like a 2D creature could not imagine up/down as a direction in their world. So in order to properly describe a form that lives in a dimension outside of our own, should we not remove time as a means of measurement? (Oh yes, I want to delete math from the equation - what a surprise. haha) Perhaps things in the fourth dimension are measured on some kind of emotional relation scale and what WE see as a tesseract here in this dimension is only a 3D representation of it just like a drawing of a cube is a 2D representation of the real cube in 3D. The trouble for us is comprehending how to measure or describe a form without a scale we're familiar with. Even when we say "on an emotional scale, how do you feel?" we tend towards numbers (like 1 being I feel icky and 10 being I feel great) because distance and numbers and time is what we use to measure and describe the 3rd dimension. I think this is why yogis can do what we would consider "magic" - their relational thinking involves different kinds of spacial relationships - they do not bind themselves to the means of measurement of the 3rd dimension like most of the rest of us do. It's all in how you THINK about it. Your perspective. Hence, my idea of measuring with emotions, not math. Geez, I'm not even sure I understand all that now. haha

You know what's really sad is that spell check on FB can't recognize the words "mathematics" or "tesseract." (Or "vertices" for that matter.) You'd think this site was built by 20-somethings... oh wait...

Him: I forgot how integrally time figures into distance equations... yeah. Without the time it takes to get "there," "here" and "there" have no meaning since you are everywhere all at once.

Me: And to answer your second question about how many objects intersect our three dimensions and defy explanation by their behavior... I'd guess somewhere just under 7 billion and counting. :)

I Want To Live Like I Know What I'm Leaving

I’ve never experienced more often than in San Diego, that sudden, surreal sense of complete wonderment like you get when you’re having a lucid dream and you are unexpectedly aware that you’re dreaming even as you do it. You’re just existing along in an other-dimensionly state, then it’s like, “Wait… what? I’m where? Oh wow!” It’s a very weird feeling – like you’re not sure what to believe is real or part of your imagination. Of course, really, it’s ALL part of your imagination, but that abrupt insight that perhaps NONE of this is real – awake or asleep, no matter which direction you look - will shake your psyche up, sometimes gently and sometimes not. I’ll bet it’s similar to waking up from a coma (not that I have any wish to have a personal point of comparison on that one!).

The thing I’m talking about happens when I’m entirely awake – well, in as much as life is “an awake dream.” It sneaks up on me and pounces… I’m just doing something mundane (usually driving) and suddenly I’m all “OMG, I LIVE in California. [Like this is news to me.] I LIVE here. Like EVERY DAY. And I’m HAPPY.” I don’t know how else to describe it besides some kind of spiritual awakening. Maybe it’s the happy part that shocks me the most. I don’t think I’ve ever been so consistently happy, but then I’ve also never had so much time to do whatever the hell I want either. I’m a little afraid that will change when I have to go back to work, but I’m not considering that right now at any length.

Making it doubly odd (to me at least) is that these thoughts sometimes come in the middle of a day where I feel I’ve accomplished nothing, and I’m getting a bit depressed over some trivial matters. I’m headed down an ugly spiral when all Thought pauses on a step, then an updraft like this hits me and deposits me with a rude thunk at the top of the staircase. I sit there rubbing my third eye like I’ve just been poked awake by the Gods. Hmmm. What was it I was busy getting upset about? Oh, nevermind.

It’s not the fact of my geographical location that puts me in awe (well, a little, because energies are different in different places and this just happens to be a place I jive with), it’s that I’m actually DOING something that once seemed almost impossible – certainly I had no plan and no assured funding when I set out on this path, but here I am and I’m still surviving. (And ever, ever so slowly chipping away at the debt I made getting here.)

Moving here started as a radical idea (so was New Jersey so apparently radical ideas work for me) and I’ve brought it to reality and I’m doing it. I’m still not quite sure how, but it's happening. I’m still here. No one has knocked down my door and said YOU MUST STOP THIS RIGHT NOW. Kind of like when you first move out of your parents’ house and suddenly realize if you want to eat ice cream for breakfast, no one is going to invade the kitchen and say, “No you can’t.” Or even “No you shouldn’t.” (And hell yeah – that’s why I still eat ice cream or brownies or cake or pancakes [oh wait...] for breakfast sometimes!)

I know I’m successful like this in plenty of smaller ways – often even – but moving somewhere and LIVING there and not needing anyone else’s help (at age 40 you’d think this would be normal, but I suppose I never got over that) is still sometimes a shock. Like hey, I actually CAN do this and I’m not going to die! Awesome!

I’m not sure how long living in California has been a dream even – certainly it’s not one of those life-long things because I only really started thinking about it a couple years ago. Or maybe I’m wrong; when my mother and I traveled to San Francisco when I was in 6th grade, I knew there was something special about this state even back then because it’s one of those memories I recall often and clearly. But I don’t remember craving living here (or at least knowing if I moved again, California would be the goal) until a few years back.

The smallest things usually set off the feeling. Noticing how many cars have surf-related stickers on the back. Or driving along The 5 (local lingo for Interstate 5) and seeing the vast expanse of ocean off to the side. Sitting in a coffee shop I’ve read about in a blog or hearing of something happening in LA and knowing I'm close enough that if I wanted to attend, it's an option. Weird!

I’ve often thought of these feelings as being like living in a movie. Maybe that’s why they have such an impact on me. I mean don’t we all really want to live a Hollywood life 24 hours a day deep down? Hollywood makes everything so flawless and the story almost always has a happy ending, right? Who doesn’t want that?

Well I haven’t reached some of the happy endings I’ve had normal “conscious” dreams about yet, but I’m working on them. Trouble with those is that when they don’t come to fruition in the timeline I plan, it causes stress or worry unless I can convince myself enough that stress and worry are futile and if I’m not getting what I expected, then the timing just isn’t right yet. (It’s one thing to know this in your head, quite another to convince your heart.)

But these unconscious dream-goals – are they really dreams or are they a sudden awareness, that hey – you are right where you are meant to be in that moment? But aren’t we always right where we’re meant to be in any given moment? I mean the Universe works perfectly, so why wouldn’t we be? What makes SOME of those most seemingly insignificant moments so powerful while the events that you’ve consciously worked for don’t elicit the same reaction?

Whatever it is, I’m glad they happen.

I’m actually sitting in the car outside the grocery store typing this in a very cramped, uncomfortable position because for once I have the computer with me when good blog material crystalized in my head. Ironically, I spent four hours prior to now in two different coffee shops trying to get inspired to write something. All I got was severely caffeinated. What a thing. Maybe I should haul the Mac around with me more often cuz I never lack for thoughts to share, it’s just that the ideas seem to evaporate when I’m within easy reach of the keyboard. The car, the shower, the toilet (oh yes) are when I get inspired. Imagine. But there’s nowhere to record the thoughts when you’re stuck in such places and they slip back into the ether like so many drops of rain in the Pacific.

Fortunately this time I was prepared so I’m glad to be sharing this, however, I’d better go get my groceries before the store closes or before they send the cops over to check out what the chick in a parking lot is doing on the computer. Surely it’s porn! Or witchcraft! Or worse! People are so suspicious of anything outside “the norm.” Pity. That’s usually where all the good stuff happens.

Soundtrack: Awakening by Switchfoot

Matching the Vibe

For the past month and some I’ve been VERY lazy and only doing what I feel like doing at any given moment. Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me! Yes, yes, eat your heart out because right now I am enjoying a lifestyle most people only dream of. (And this ain’t the first time.) I’d like to say I have no idea how I get so lucky every now and then, but that’s not entirely true. I know the laws of the Universe and how they work, and I know I’ve unconsciously created my current situation, which is great (whether it’s the “right” thing to do or not). The trouble is, as usual, I have difficulty feeling worthy of a break.

I realize how incredibly fortunate I am, and I do humbly offer my extreme gratitude to the Universe many times a day for this opportunity to continue my Blissful Insanity. I try not to worry, or wonder how long I can keep it up. I try to relax in the moment and just enjoy it. But reality is a nag and deep down I know I still believe that somewhere in the not-too-distant future the money is going to dry up. And I know because I believe that, it will happen if I don’t do something like stop being a bum and look for a steady source of income. I am the cause and the effect. And I don’t want to be caught unprepared. And in worrying about being unprepared, I will create exactly what I fear. I get it. I’ve seen enough rabbits in my path lately to wonder if the Easter Bunny was doing a bit more than hiding eggs a couple months back.

I’ve also had the thought that if I decided to just be a pirate until I’m homeless, perhaps I can find joy in being homeless too? What a lesson that would be. You’re closer to nature for sure, but I dunno if I’m ready for that kind of prolonged intimacy with the planet. I DO keep saying I want to reduce the number of material possessions I have, and I know how the Universe likes to twist my words, then point and laugh. However, I’m also pretty darn sure I don’t want to find out if I can take my positive attitude that far. Hence, the vicious thought spiral. Joy.

(This makes me think of Billy joking about being a superhero the other night when he did a show at Sky High Comics. He says his Superhero name is “The Visi-Tor.” He can clean out your frig in a single visit, sleep on your couch multiple nights…” I forget the rest but everyone laughed well and long because Funny is based in Truth, and Billy is nothing if not True and Funny. If you live in San Diego, check out his show schedule on his MySpace page. You won’t be disappointed.)

I’ve been laid off since April 22 and it’s now June. I’ve done the bare minimum to satisfy unemployment in “looking” for a job so they keep sending me money. I’ve been privileged to be offered side work that will pay well enough to make up the difference, and it’s actually enjoyable because it’s something I’m familiar with so it’s easy work, and I get to do it on my own time for the most part. (That money was supposed to be going toward paying off debts tho, and since no taxes are being withheld, it could come back to bite me next year. We’ll see.) The logical side of my head berates me with “WTF do you think you’re doing screwing around for so long?” while the connected side of my head says, “You asked to be paid to do nothing [I really did], and that’s exactly what you got, so what is your problem?”

(Side note: right palm is very itchy right now. Must remember to check mailbox tomorrow as so far this has meant a check shows up in there. Yay! I’m still amazed and grateful every time that happens.)

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I really want to do next, but the answers are troubling. The last time this question came up (when I was laid off by the same company in 2005), I decided I really wanted to do graphic design. I’d wanted to do that for 20 years. Getting paid to use Photoshop and learn Illustrator every day sounded like getting paid to play all day.

After deciding that’s what I wanted, I landed a project management job with Pearson Education, which led to a graphic design position. And it did, in fact, feel like getting paid to play sometimes, which was very cool. But once I was “forced” to do it for 40 hours a week, it slowly deteriorated from joy to chore. The untimely demise of that position (at only 6 months) came when I had to choose between keeping the work that I’d wanted for 20 years or moving to an area of the country that made me happier. I figured there is always another graphics job and took the leap. I’m sure I made the right choice because I am definitely happier in San Diego.

The job I was recently laid off from was a transition position—since I could do it from anywhere it guaranteed instant employment in California and steady income right away. Who would turn that down even if it wasn’t my next dream job?

Of course the Universe made SURE that street was as short as I originally intended it to be. Oh well. But now that I’m at another crossroads, I’m not sure continuing in the graphic design direction is something I desire anymore. When I think about it, it’s a “been there, done that” feeling, even if it was only for 6 months. My soul feels like “c’mon – what’s next? Do something new!” The trouble has been that I have no clue what I would enjoy (other than the complete freedom I've been swimming in the last couple months - but that's more like being a leech if you do it endlessly and contribute nothing to society). Certainly I don’t feel that I’ve “done it all” but what do I want to do? Sometimes too many choices are just as confining as too few.

Occasionally I feel my interests have shifted to the spiritual nature residing within, and when I ask my Self “What now?” I hear “Teach people how to find themselves, the same way you found your Self. And while you’re at it, do this new form of Lite Touch Reiki you’ve been thinking about.” But geezus, how does anyone earn a living at that (at the beginner’s level) without being all foofy-mystical about it? I can’t do foofy. Foofy is SOOO not in my nature.

It’s not that I don’t believe the concepts of—I hesitate to use this horribly abused term, but there is no label to describe my particular brand of weirdness—New Age beliefs (I can hear the running and screaming already), I just don’t believe you need all the foofy shit to learn how to find your Self. And those that know this don’t need help finding their way on the path so why would they pay me to tell them what they already know? Oh wait, isn’t that the definition of Consultant? Haha (Sorry Mom!)

For instance, rocks/crystals and Runes and Tarot and Medicine Cards are all magical, but not the “Oooo smoke and mystery and ghosts” (and mayonnaise! ...don't ask) magical way others present them. That’s the dog and pony show I won’t participate in. Mystical paraphernalia to ME is magical in a “Oh, how cool to be able to see that more clearly” way. They’re just tools to hear your Inner Self, like you would use hearing aids if you were mostly deaf (hmm, I like that analogy – consider it trademark pending :).

Robes and beads and gypsy-like dress are all fine and good if that’s truly what you feel beautiful in or if you steal naughty children, but personally I prefer my tees and jeans. In fact (this is such a no no!) when I see people wearing the “mystical” garb, my first thought is to wonder why they need a full-body mask instead of just a bit of something to shield their most private selves not meant for the public. They just look fake to me. So sue me for being human.

Hmmm… now that I think about it, I can’t picture one person at the top of this field that wears stuff like that. Does Deepak wear a gypsy suit? Does Louise Hay have cheap tye dye dresses made of rayon? (Which, hello, has a totally unnatural vibe because it’s man-made material… duh. Damn, there goes that judgment again.) Neale Donald Walsh looks like a total tshirt and jeans kinda guy. But how did these people get so popular without looking “that part?” That’s where I start stumbling around and The Light goes out. ::sigh:: (Except I know they're popular because it's just Truth and Truth does not need the flash and bling... I'm just running myself in circles here.)

I look around at the spiritual community that's making a living selling it, and I see people that dress, speak, act, and make every effort to look like a character to convince the general populace they have special powers or something. These are good people but there are no special powers in spirituality. Everyone has the same power and it’s all just YOU. (But perhaps I only see them most because they are designed to be seen.) I’ve never been one to put on a show so others will see what I see or believe what I believe. Believe whatever you want – I can only tell you my experiences on the path to improve my Self. However, it would seem in most cases that those who would offer money for the help need the show to grab their attention. I asked "Why IS that?" but in re-reading this I answered my own question. There is just so much sensory overload in our world right now, how can you possibly pick out what to listen to next? Am I not having this very problem myself over a different subject?

Or maybe that’s just ME thinking that. Well, of course it’s just ME, but as long as it’s ME believing it, it’s also all I will find in my reality. Bah. Sometimes this being aware business is a pain in the… nevermind. I don’t need any pains anywhere so I’m not going to program that.

Even so, I am unable to resolve in my head a justification to charge people to learn how to find out who they are and to help them move forward on their own path. And that’s really the crux of it too – just the nature of the word “help” does not imply a monetary exchange, or it is not truly helping, is it? I didn’t pay anyone to learn what I know, yet I definitely had help along the way. So how does one “help” people and still pay the bills? Too bad the power company doesn’t understand REAL power exchange.

Of course my intellectual side is like DUH. You already said it. Just think of it like consulting. Why do companies ask a consultant to help them figure out what time it is, pay them to borrow the company’s watch, then listen intently while the consultant says, “The time is…”?

Truly, somewhere inside I am terrified of success or else I’d already be there. So how does one get over oneself and believe “I am worthy”? I’ve had tons of friends tell me how awesome I am, how I should share this stuff, always they are supportive of me. I get it in my head, but it hasn’t made it to the heart yet. I have not yet mastered myself. And isn’t that a bit of a catch 22? Part of being a master is feeling worthy of everything in your reality, yet you must first feel worthy to become a master.

So what started this whole discourse was reading the phrase “Match the Vibration.” I knew what that meant innately. I’ve heard it said in plenty of other ways, but sometimes it just takes a certain combination of words to click I guess.

The Law of Attraction. Give away what you want most. Be the change you want to see. Get there by believing you already ARE there. Match the vibration. Same thing, all of it.

I’m sure most people would agree that when you are “successful” your being vibrates at a higher rate. Are successful people a different kind of human? They can certainly seem so when you’re standing in their presence; in MY experience the energy can be tangible.

If our physical realities are all about the relationship between particles of matter and the energy vibrations that cause the particles, then it makes sense to think of matter as just a certain level of vibrational energy. Denser objects have lower vibrations. (Think plutonium, or Sarah Palin.) The less “dense” you are, the higher your vibratory rate, and the more “enlightened” you feel. Yes?

If I understand correctly, this is what they’re looking for in the Higgs Mechanism theory. Scientists want to know “where is the point when energy becomes matter and vice versa?” I think of it as: where is the tipping point when small becomes so small we can't distinguish one thing from the next, therefore small rounds the circle to being large (or, dare I say, ‘massive’)?

In turn, where is the tipping point when your fears become so small or insignificant that you expand into that massive “successful” vibration? Is that even how it works? Just keep chipping away at vibrating faster and higher until you reach the level you're seeking? What causes a vibration to accelerate? More applied energy?

As usual, the more I think the more questions there are.

I recognize that there are so many ways I am already successful, but most things I'm successful at do not provide the modern form of currency. Some people may stumble across the doorstep to that higher vibe in the dark, but most of us need to turn on a Light. It would be nice to help people find the switch, and feel worthy of being paid for that. Surely I must be within five feet of the answer, but to match the vibration when you’re still feeling around for the lever yourself is a tough trick.

~*~

Ralph Marston's site really freaks me out. Here is today's inspiration, once again as if it was written for moi:

Let life come, without striving to force it. Let life come, and it will unfold with great abundance.

The feeling you seek is already yours. If it was not, then how could you even know about it?

Allow that feeling to live and breathe and grow and flow throughout your life. The life you wish to experience is yours when you let go and let it be.

Listen to those little inspirations that quietly whisper. There is a reason why you hear them and feel their truth. Act in harmony with what you know is right and what you know is best. Instead of struggling against what is, ride joyously and successfully along with life's continuously unfolding possibilities.

Let life come. And live the beauty as each new moment is born.

Finding the Right Kind of Phrase

I admit I was stalking you, People Who Read Here, on the software that tracks where my blog hits come from. I saw that someone clicked my “physics” link to pull up all the things I’d written on physics. (Thank you, whoever that was. ☺) When I followed suit just cuz I was curious, I was confused to see that I only had three entries under “physics,” and they weren’t even the good ones. I was like WTF? I KNOW I have more than that about physics around here! Where did all my stuff go?

Turns out most of it got filed under “Food 4 Thought.” I guess I didn’t add the physics tag until recently. Silly me. I corrected some of the entries I found and added the proper tagging, so whoever that was please check again and satisfy my Ego. Many thanks.

In reading through those entries tho, I found that on 1/1/08 I wrote this at the bottom of my review of 2007:

My new mantra for 2008: More travel, less stuff.

I believe it was shortly after that when Mark asked me to move out and I began the process of moving to California, and hence, selling tons of my stuff. The moral of this story is:

Be careful what you wish for!

It is also a reminder to myself of how well I manifest things. One awesome new job coming up! Now I just have to define what that is... Oh. Crap.

~*~

Here’s another thing I found buried in one of my posts. I don’t even remember thinking it the first time around, but wow. Sometimes I impress myself. (Ego eats that up.) Instead of putting the physics tag on the original post, I’m copying what I said here to separate it out, also because now I have continued thoughts on it.

One more train of thought I must get down on virtual paper, though it will probably only make sense to me. When I was in the shower the other day my thoughts went from the stars in general to the middle star on Orion's belt, to the fact that a friend once told me that star is a gateway to other dimensions; then I thought about imagination, and how our brains could be a conductor between dimensions like copper wire is a conductor of electricity and how imagination would be the electricity, and perhaps it fuels our awareness like electricity fuels a lightbulb. I moved on to water and its conductive properties, to wondering if in the future we will discover that water is really a conductor of psi energy/chi (which would explain why my most profound thoughts always happen in the bathroom) and perhaps it is the key to why Earth exists as it does (Earth being held in our thoughts and made real to us) and why we seem so alone out here in the cosmos. We all know the water supply on Earth is dwindling, even if we don't want to admit it. Imagination seems to be suffering the same fate at the hands of TV and video. Barely anything is left to the imagination these days because kids are too lazy to think (or read), and parents are too lazy or self-absorbed to encourage them to do so.

What if, in the future, as the water supply dries up and humans stop developing their imaginations because we are told what to believe about everything and so many are lazy with their thinking, we discover water and imagination are the filters through which we're able to bring our thoughts to a tangible reality. (Remember our human bodies are made mostly of water!) Think how precious both water and a creative mind would be. Without them, our doorway (perhaps the star in Orion's belt) would close and our existence could melt back into the dimensions surrounding us; unable to be sustained separately as we see and experience it now. Perhaps this is what happened to Mars. Maybe it's not that life doesn't exist on Mars (or didn't an eon ago), it's just that their water supply dried up and their imaginations were suppressed to the point they were no longer able to hold the door open to separate their perspective from the Whole.

Hmmm.

My continued thought springs from a conversation I had with John recently about physics. I can’t remember exactly the words he said, but the way he put things about dimensions and the relationship of elementary particles to each other gave me new pictures in my head that caused me to understand things better, even without the math. (Thank God!)

These new pictures and ideas in my head say different dimensions are not a matter of travel through either inner or outer space. (I doubt the space-time continuum exists anywhere else anyway.) Dimensions are more a matter of perspective because dimensions are caused by how the particles relate to each other.

As an analogy, think of who you are. Would everyone in your family label you the same way? No. You may be a daughter (or son) in relationship to your mother or father, but you may also be an aunt (uncle), and a sister (brother), and a granddaughter (grandson). You’re still you, and each relationship is still within the family, but you’re defined differently in each case.

You can extend that outside the family too – you are still you when you go to work, but now you are a co-worker or a friend or a boss. Of course that doesn’t mean you stop being a sister (brother) and an aunt (uncle) and a daughter (son). You’re still all those things too. Just because your relationship is defined differently doesn’t mean YOU are not you anymore. Right?

And you can expand your definitions too. I doubt you were a parent when you were a kid (even people from Alabama had a few years in the beginning when they weren't parents!), but now perhaps you are. So you've added a new relationship to your existence. (Or dare I say, you've added another dimension to your existence.)

Ok, so apply that idea to elementary particles. Picture all elementary particles as being the same in every dimension. They have certain relationships here in our third dimensional world to each other. In this dimension they create nature, and objects, and people, and planets. And when you add time to the equation, you’re adding a fourth dimension and then you get into quantum physics, but those laws also apply to nature, objects, people, and planets.

Now imagine those same particles exist in several other dimensions as well but their relationships are defined differently, thereby creating aliens and other worlds and alternate realities and maybe even other versions of you. Same particles – different relationships. That was the idea John got across to me (although he did not use that analogy).

So, in order to experience other dimensions, is it possible that all we have to do is change how we see the relationships between particles? Rings true to me. Trouble is, we don’t know in what WAY to change our perspective.

I contest that emotions are a key. I think the change we are grasping for is more of an experience change – what we are feeling - not seeing or looking at physical things. Even so, here is a physical “seeing” example of changing perspective (in case the family analogy didn’t compute in your head). Check out this picture:

This is a classic example of perspective. Do you see a vase/candlestick or two faces looking at each other? What you see depends on your perspective. It’s a matter of how your mind interprets the relationship between the two colors.

Now if your brain can determine multiple relationships between colors from a picture that hasn’t changed, why can’t it sort out multiple relationships between elementary particles that haven’t changed, thereby allowing you to experience other dimensions?

Well perhaps it already does and you just don’t know it. Is it as easy as seeing two pictures in one, based on different colors? Maybe so. Think about all the media surrounding books like The Secret, which describe The Law of Attraction. Whether you believe in that or not, it’s the same principle.

Quantum physics has proven scientifically that reality is a field of probabilities. All things are possible all the time. (Omnipossibility – I love that word!) It is what you focus on that brings things into your reality. You are creating your reality by changing your perspective (focus) – the outcome of the experiment (your life) is directly affected by the observer (you) just like Schroedinger’s Cat and Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle. As soon as you measure the results, the probability wave collapses into your reality.

SO… the brain as a conductor between dimensions? I think so. In a sense. (Haha - all puns intended.) And water is the conductor that allows imagination (or chi, our "electricity") to power our awareness? Seems even more logical than the first time I thought it. Final thoughts... Choose your waves carefully and be kind to yourself when you measure the results so as not to collapse too hard into reality.

And I guess that’s where I’m going to end this because I’ve caught up to the edge of my thinking and I have to be somewhere shortly, so I’d better get my particles in gear.

~*~

Side note: If you haven't seen that movie K-PAX with Kevin Spacey (ever or in awhile), I highly recommend it. I watched it again last night and it was just as good this time as all the times previous. Really makes you think. :)

~*~

And yes, Mraz fans, of course I’m aware of how the title of this post corresponds with the date. I believe in higher energies and better things for all the people. I just hope MY luck doesn't run out today!

Come Up to a Higher Vibration

Speaking of snakes and apples of knowledge... you should watch this video, even if you're pretty well-versed in the ideas it goes over in the first few minutes. It's about 20 minutes for both videos posted below (same video, two parts), but it's great information. And even if you've heard it all before, it never hurts to bring it back up to the front. :)

Don't worry, the subtitles are in Spanish, but the audio is English.

Also, one thing I picked up that I think is a mistake is that as he lists the chakras of Earth (around 5:48 in video 1), he mentions the heart chakra twice, skipping the third eye chakra by mistake. Oops. Saw a couple typos as well. But who's counting. :)

If you choose not to take the 20 minutes now to watch this, then you move on with your day and eventually forget to watch altogether as people often do, there is one thing I thought was truly powerful that everyone should take away. It comes up just around 6:45 in the second video. The speaker talks of a metaphor that goes like this:

This is the difference between the power of our Creator and anything else. Particularly evil. That you can go into a pitch black room full of evil, full of darkness, and light a little candle, and instantly that darkness flees. But you can't do the opposite. You can't go into a well-lit room full of truth and wisdom, and righteousness and joy, and health and harmony with the Universal power... you can't take any amount of darkness and go into that well-lit room and have any effect whatsoever. That is the metaphor which I frequently think of when I think that I'm not empowered. It is the greatest lesson for me, and I think for everybody else to know, that we are on the winning side.

As I listened to the speaker talk about this metaphor it brought to mind the bookmark I use to keep my place in the book in which I write the five things I'm thankful for each day (ok, most days). My bookmark says:

"All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle."

The word "Faith" is stamped into the top (bookmark is metal). The words are attributed to Francis of Assisi.

Something to think about anyway.

Social Distortion

Warning: this could be a very uncomfortable and strange entry for any family members or close friends to read, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I met some of the most interesting people last night at a party I wasn’t sure I wanted to attend, but now I’m glad I did. That’s what I get for having expectations. When will I learn? At least this twist of my presumptions was on the positive side.

My hands have that tingling going on as I’m trying to sort out my thoughts and type this. It’s the weirdest sensation – I usually only feel it in the center of my palms, but once in awhile an area around the middle of my chest gets involved (some would probably call it a chakra, blah blah – those new agey terms are so abused I’m loathe to use them). It’s not an itch but an intense sort of tension, like a forced awareness of every individual nerve ending. Sometimes it’s so strong it’s almost painful. I’ve tried every keyword I can think of to search out answers for why it happens, but no luck, so I have to chalk it up to dimensional energy I don’t understand yet. The hands are channels after all. I take it to be a good thing. But I digress.

A couple of the people I met inadvertently got me thinking about tantra (no, nothing funky was going on at this party – it’s just my own train of thoughts that led me here) so I spent a lot of time cruising the net reading up on it today. When I first met Mark 11 years ago he introduced me to the concept but we never really followed through (or so I thought), then after awhile circumstances in our relationship caused me to totally lose interest in all related things and it was shoved roughly a light year away, to a distant back burner galaxy in my brain. Funny how these things snap back - like a cosmic rubberband - at the speed of light, swatting your third eye hard enough to wake you from unawareness.

The more I read, the more I’m wondering if I’ve ever experienced anything NOT tantric when playing in that particular arena. (Not that I presume to know rituals and techniques, having never been taught, but from what I’ve read, I would be a quick study I’ll bet.) Most things they describe on the net I already do instinctively, and it’s not like I know anything special or read much about it, I’ve just always done it that way because it seemed like that’s how it should be.

My first time out I distinctly remember telling the guy to slow down, stop, let me feel this for a minute. He was like, “You want me to do what? Why?!” I didn’t know why other than it was just what I liked. At least he complied. I felt like I was directing a movie trying to tell him what to do and when (like I even knew what I was saying!) and observe what I felt all at once. Overall it was a good experience with someone I cared a lot about and I’m grateful for that. Everyone’s first time should be like that. Perhaps his patience and indulgence was an even greater benefit than I knew because ever since I’ve never been afraid to express what I like, and certainly I can’t recall any bad results.

But reading all this leaves me wondering: If that’s not the norm, then what is? Something that resembles porn? Gods, I hope not. Where is the love in that? Maybe this is why I’ve never understood people’s fascination with adult videos. I can’t imagine ever wanting to do it like that (with a few off-the-hook-hormone exceptions). I don’t care what noises the people are making, I can tell you most of it is fake, and it doesn’t even look like it feels good. (The bad acting is another story all together.)

One thing I don’t understand about tantra is the ritualistic nature of it. All this lighting of sage and preparing this and breathing like that before you even touch each other… seems a little hokey. (Except I see where breathing certain ways at certain times can improve feeling, but sitting across from each other, staring at each other trying to breathe in sync without yawning? Sounds totally boring to me. What is the purpose of that?) I probably don’t know what I’m talking about, having only read what I found online. Or it could be I’m just too impatient, which is probably something they insist you master to “do it right.” Discipline has never been my strong point, but if you ask me, discipline in this area sounds more like work than fun. I dunno. Like I said, I’m no expert, but some things they describe just sound like common sense, and if that’s not how everyone does it, well that explains a lot.

Maybe I’m just a hands-on kinda gal. By all means, set a mood with candles and music and whatever, and there’s a lot to be said for flirting and teasing and building the tension, but I always thought things were more enjoyable when you’re so in touch with your partner’s thoughts and emotions that when you get down to it, you’re wanting to do the same things at the same time anyway and there’s very little need for speaking or “rituals” like I was reading about. Then again, Mark has been the only one in that part of my life for so long, maybe I’m remembering prior experiences incorrectly. Who knows.

Maybe I’m just resisting anything remotely related to a religion that tells me “it must be done this way or else you’re not doing it right.” That’s never sat well with me. There are infinite threads of truth that weave our existence.

OMG – the Cosmos is so damn funny. My email just dinged so I check it and it’s a monthly new agey type ezine I get (unsolicited I might add) called SpiritSide. On the front page is “A Healthy Approach to Shameless Intimacy – Tantra!” I love when the Gods flirt with me.

Well anyway, this is not a subject I want to blog about in depth, but it’s what I was thinking about today. For anyone that doesn’t know what tantra is, please do yourself a favor and at least Google it or buy a book to investigate the general principles.

It could be the answer you’re looking for. ;)

The Beginner's Mind

Last night I went to the runes to try to make some sense of where I'm at. I pulled Inguz, which is actually one of my favorites not only because of the description but also because it looks cool. The book says this about it:

This Rune is akin to the moon, the intuitive part of our nature, with its urge toward harmonizing and adjusting in the sphere of personal relationships. Inguz embodies the need to share, the yearning to be desired, a search after similarities.

The completion of beginnings is what Inguz requires. It may mark a time of joyous deliverance, of new life, a new path. A Rune of great power, drawing it means that you now have the strength to achieve completion, resolution, from which comes a new beginning. Above all, completion is crucial here. It may be timely that you complete some project now; if so, make that your first priority. Perhaps a difficult state of mind can be resolved, clarified, turned around. The appearance of this Rune indicates that you must fertilize the ground for your own deliverance.

Inguz signals your emergence from a closed, chrysalis state. All things change and we cannot live permanently amid obstructions. As you resolve and clear away the old, you will experience a release from tension and uncertainty.

You may be required to free yourself from a rut, habit, or relationship; from some deep cultural pattern, some activity that was quite proper to the self you are leaving behind. The period at or just before birth is often a dangerous one. Movement involves danger, yet movement that is timely leads out of danger. Now it is time to enter the delivery room.

Another of the Cycle Runes, Inguz counsels preparation. Being centered and grounded, freeing yourself from all unwanted influences, and seeing the humor, you are indeed prepared to open yourself to the Will of Heaven, and can await your deliverance with calm certainty.

As always, the runes are spot on. How do they do that? Freaky shit. (That song by Pilot is running through my head... Oh oh oh it's magic... you know... never believe it's not so...)

I saw Jason Mraz play at Morongo Casino in Cabazon tonight. He always puts on an entertaining gig, but I got the idea this may have been a "practice" show for his upcoming weeks in Europe. He's recently been on vacation for three weeks, so I wouldn't be surprised if they needed something small to get back in the groove (small in his case = about 2000 people!). I'll never get tired of hearing the man sing, but I had a hard time staying present tonight. I dunno if it was because my seat was farther back than normal, or maybe I was just spoiled since I got to see him last weekend in the more intimate setting of Mueller College when his friend Bushwalla played with Dawn Mitschele.

They did have a couple surprises: they reworked Clockwatching from the Mr. A-Z CD (very interesting with a reggae beat), and he had the gospel group, Voices of Prayz, with him. Not sure if they'll be on the whole tour, but it was great hearing Live High with the proper choir behind it. I wasn't crazy about the other Jesus-y gospel tune they covered, but then I've never been a big fan of anything related to church. He covered the Steely Dan song Peg in the encore, which was way cool. I'd seen a YouTube version of it from another show, but hearing it live was much better. He still has the Grooveline Horns with him too. Those guys are so awesome - they add a new dimension to the show. In the dictionary next to "groovy" you'll find their picture. I dunno how they manage to fit so many people on stage, but it looks fantastic and I even heard people behind me as I was walking out saying, "That was worth every fucking penny!" That totally made me smile.

Between the show tonight and reading the description for Inguz, it made me think about Jason's tattoo that says "beginner." Shortly after getting the tat, he posted a pic of it on his blog and explained his thoughts about the zen saying The beginner's mind is a beautiful place to come from. That phrase has stuck with me, especially since moving to San Diego and having to find everything for the first time in a new city. I got curious about when his first post on blogspot was because I know it's been a long time. A quick search revealed it was almost a year ago today (9/11 actually) that he moved his blog to these waters. And oddly, his first post was the very one I was thinking about. I hadn't remembered that. :)

So a beginner I am as well - pure potential - and I will keep in mind that it's a beautiful place to come from, even if it's feeling kinda crappy right now.

...just when the caterpillar thought life was over, it turned into a Butterfly.

From my backyard