For the past month and some I’ve been VERY lazy and only doing what I feel like doing at any given moment. Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me! Yes, yes, eat your heart out because right now I am enjoying a lifestyle most people only dream of. (And this ain’t the first time.) I’d like to say I have no idea how I get so lucky every now and then, but that’s not entirely true. I know the laws of the Universe and how they work, and I know I’ve unconsciously created my current situation, which is great (whether it’s the “right” thing to do or not). The trouble is, as usual, I have difficulty feeling worthy of a break.
I realize how incredibly fortunate I am, and I do humbly offer my extreme gratitude to the Universe many times a day for this opportunity to continue my Blissful Insanity. I try not to worry, or wonder how long I can keep it up. I try to relax in the moment and just enjoy it. But reality is a nag and deep down I know I still believe that somewhere in the not-too-distant future the money is going to dry up. And I know because I believe that, it will happen if I don’t do something like stop being a bum and look for a steady source of income. I am the cause and the effect. And I don’t want to be caught unprepared. And in worrying about being unprepared, I will create exactly what I fear. I get it. I’ve seen enough rabbits in my path lately to wonder if the Easter Bunny was doing a bit more than hiding eggs a couple months back.
I’ve also had the thought that if I decided to just be a pirate until I’m homeless, perhaps I can find joy in being homeless too? What a lesson that would be. You’re closer to nature for sure, but I dunno if I’m ready for that kind of prolonged intimacy with the planet. I DO keep saying I want to reduce the number of material possessions I have, and I know how the Universe likes to twist my words, then point and laugh. However, I’m also pretty darn sure I don’t want to find out if I can take my positive attitude that far. Hence, the vicious thought spiral. Joy.
(This makes me think of Billy joking about being a superhero the other night when he did a show at Sky High Comics. He says his Superhero name is “The Visi-Tor.” He can clean out your frig in a single visit, sleep on your couch multiple nights…” I forget the rest but everyone laughed well and long because Funny is based in Truth, and Billy is nothing if not True and Funny. If you live in San Diego, check out his show schedule on his MySpace page. You won’t be disappointed.)
I’ve been laid off since April 22 and it’s now June. I’ve done the bare minimum to satisfy unemployment in “looking” for a job so they keep sending me money. I’ve been privileged to be offered side work that will pay well enough to make up the difference, and it’s actually enjoyable because it’s something I’m familiar with so it’s easy work, and I get to do it on my own time for the most part. (That money was supposed to be going toward paying off debts tho, and since no taxes are being withheld, it could come back to bite me next year. We’ll see.) The logical side of my head berates me with “WTF do you think you’re doing screwing around for so long?” while the connected side of my head says, “You asked to be paid to do nothing [I really did], and that’s exactly what you got, so what is your problem?”
(Side note: right palm is very itchy right now. Must remember to check mailbox tomorrow as so far this has meant a check shows up in there. Yay! I’m still amazed and grateful every time that happens.)
I’ve been thinking a lot about what I really want to do next, but the answers are troubling. The last time this question came up (when I was laid off by the same company in 2005), I decided I really wanted to do graphic design. I’d wanted to do that for 20 years. Getting paid to use Photoshop and learn Illustrator every day sounded like getting paid to play all day.
After deciding that’s what I wanted, I landed a project management job with Pearson Education, which led to a graphic design position. And it did, in fact, feel like getting paid to play sometimes, which was very cool. But once I was “forced” to do it for 40 hours a week, it slowly deteriorated from joy to chore. The untimely demise of that position (at only 6 months) came when I had to choose between keeping the work that I’d wanted for 20 years or moving to an area of the country that made me happier. I figured there is always another graphics job and took the leap. I’m sure I made the right choice because I am definitely happier in San Diego.
The job I was recently laid off from was a transition position—since I could do it from anywhere it guaranteed instant employment in California and steady income right away. Who would turn that down even if it wasn’t my next dream job?
Of course the Universe made SURE that street was as short as I originally intended it to be. Oh well. But now that I’m at another crossroads, I’m not sure continuing in the graphic design direction is something I desire anymore. When I think about it, it’s a “been there, done that” feeling, even if it was only for 6 months. My soul feels like “c’mon – what’s next? Do something new!” The trouble has been that I have no clue what I would enjoy (other than the complete freedom I've been swimming in the last couple months - but that's more like being a leech if you do it endlessly and contribute nothing to society). Certainly I don’t feel that I’ve “done it all” but what do I want to do? Sometimes too many choices are just as confining as too few.
Occasionally I feel my interests have shifted to the spiritual nature residing within, and when I ask my Self “What now?” I hear “Teach people how to find themselves, the same way you found your Self. And while you’re at it, do this new form of Lite Touch Reiki you’ve been thinking about.” But geezus, how does anyone earn a living at that (at the beginner’s level) without being all foofy-mystical about it? I can’t do foofy. Foofy is SOOO not in my nature.
It’s not that I don’t believe the concepts of—I hesitate to use this horribly abused term, but there is no label to describe my particular brand of weirdness—New Age beliefs (I can hear the running and screaming already), I just don’t believe you need all the foofy shit to learn how to find your Self. And those that know this don’t need help finding their way on the path so why would they pay me to tell them what they already know? Oh wait, isn’t that the definition of Consultant? Haha (Sorry Mom!)
For instance, rocks/crystals and Runes and Tarot and Medicine Cards are all magical, but not the “Oooo smoke and mystery and ghosts” (and mayonnaise! ...don't ask) magical way others present them. That’s the dog and pony show I won’t participate in. Mystical paraphernalia to ME is magical in a “Oh, how cool to be able to see that more clearly” way. They’re just tools to hear your Inner Self, like you would use hearing aids if you were mostly deaf (hmm, I like that analogy – consider it trademark pending :).
Robes and beads and gypsy-like dress are all fine and good if that’s truly what you feel beautiful in or if you steal naughty children, but personally I prefer my tees and jeans. In fact (this is such a no no!) when I see people wearing the “mystical” garb, my first thought is to wonder why they need a full-body mask instead of just a bit of something to shield their most private selves not meant for the public. They just look fake to me. So sue me for being human.
Hmmm… now that I think about it, I can’t picture one person at the top of this field that wears stuff like that. Does Deepak wear a gypsy suit? Does Louise Hay have cheap tye dye dresses made of rayon? (Which, hello, has a totally unnatural vibe because it’s man-made material… duh. Damn, there goes that judgment again.) Neale Donald Walsh looks like a total tshirt and jeans kinda guy. But how did these people get so popular without looking “that part?” That’s where I start stumbling around and The Light goes out. ::sigh:: (Except I know they're popular because it's just Truth and Truth does not need the flash and bling... I'm just running myself in circles here.)
I look around at the spiritual community that's making a living selling it, and I see people that dress, speak, act, and make every effort to look like a character to convince the general populace they have special powers or something. These are good people but there are no special powers in spirituality. Everyone has the same power and it’s all just YOU. (But perhaps I only see them most because they are designed to be seen.) I’ve never been one to put on a show so others will see what I see or believe what I believe. Believe whatever you want – I can only tell you my experiences on the path to improve my Self. However, it would seem in most cases that those who would offer money for the help need the show to grab their attention. I asked "Why IS that?" but in re-reading this I answered my own question. There is just so much sensory overload in our world right now, how can you possibly pick out what to listen to next? Am I not having this very problem myself over a different subject?
Or maybe that’s just ME thinking that. Well, of course it’s just ME, but as long as it’s ME believing it, it’s also all I will find in my reality. Bah. Sometimes this being aware business is a pain in the… nevermind. I don’t need any pains anywhere so I’m not going to program that.
Even so, I am unable to resolve in my head a justification to charge people to learn how to find out who they are and to help them move forward on their own path. And that’s really the crux of it too – just the nature of the word “help” does not imply a monetary exchange, or it is not truly helping, is it? I didn’t pay anyone to learn what I know, yet I definitely had help along the way. So how does one “help” people and still pay the bills? Too bad the power company doesn’t understand REAL power exchange.
Of course my intellectual side is like DUH. You already said it. Just think of it like consulting. Why do companies ask a consultant to help them figure out what time it is, pay them to borrow the company’s watch, then listen intently while the consultant says, “The time is…”?
Truly, somewhere inside I am terrified of success or else I’d already be there. So how does one get over oneself and believe “I am worthy”? I’ve had tons of friends tell me how awesome I am, how I should share this stuff, always they are supportive of me. I get it in my head, but it hasn’t made it to the heart yet. I have not yet mastered myself. And isn’t that a bit of a catch 22? Part of being a master is feeling worthy of everything in your reality, yet you must first feel worthy to become a master.
So what started this whole discourse was reading the phrase “Match the Vibration.” I knew what that meant innately. I’ve heard it said in plenty of other ways, but sometimes it just takes a certain combination of words to click I guess.
The Law of Attraction. Give away what you want most. Be the change you want to see. Get there by believing you already ARE there. Match the vibration. Same thing, all of it.
I’m sure most people would agree that when you are “successful” your being vibrates at a higher rate. Are successful people a different kind of human? They can certainly seem so when you’re standing in their presence; in MY experience the energy can be tangible.
If our physical realities are all about the relationship between particles of matter and the energy vibrations that cause the particles, then it makes sense to think of matter as just a certain level of vibrational energy. Denser objects have lower vibrations. (Think plutonium, or Sarah Palin.) The less “dense” you are, the higher your vibratory rate, and the more “enlightened” you feel. Yes?
If I understand correctly, this is what they’re looking for in the Higgs Mechanism theory. Scientists want to know “where is the point when energy becomes matter and vice versa?” I think of it as: where is the tipping point when small becomes so small we can't distinguish one thing from the next, therefore small rounds the circle to being large (or, dare I say, ‘massive’)?
In turn, where is the tipping point when your fears become so small or insignificant that you expand into that massive “successful” vibration? Is that even how it works? Just keep chipping away at vibrating faster and higher until you reach the level you're seeking? What causes a vibration to accelerate? More applied energy?
As usual, the more I think the more questions there are.
I recognize that there are so many ways I am already successful, but most things I'm successful at do not provide the modern form of currency. Some people may stumble across the doorstep to that higher vibe in the dark, but most of us need to turn on a Light. It would be nice to help people find the switch, and feel worthy of being paid for that. Surely I must be within five feet of the answer, but to match the vibration when you’re still feeling around for the lever yourself is a tough trick.
~*~
Ralph Marston's site really freaks me out. Here is today's inspiration, once again as if it was written for moi:
Let life come, without striving to force it. Let life come, and it will unfold with great abundance.
The feeling you seek is already yours. If it was not, then how could you even know about it?
Allow that feeling to live and breathe and grow and flow throughout your life. The life you wish to experience is yours when you let go and let it be.
Listen to those little inspirations that quietly whisper. There is a reason why you hear them and feel their truth.
Act in harmony with what you know is right and what you know is best. Instead of struggling against what is, ride joyously and successfully along with life's continuously unfolding possibilities.
Let life come. And live the beauty as each new moment is born.
