Wednesday, October 07, 2009

The Atheist's Nightmare

OMG - I am SOOOO laughing at this:

~*~

In other news, it was quiet at the house today because the roommate was out working and I was aware that I had the place to myself. I think my place was aware of it too. Funny how everything looks exactly the same, but the air is completely different depending on who is breathing in it. I haven't felt the serenity here since the roommate moved in seven months ago. It's not his fault - he's just being him and he's not the spiritual animal I am. My bad for choosing someone so unlike me. However, I didn't realize how far into a corner I'd pushed my inner wisdom. I felt a bit like a boiled frog hopping out of the pot.

Anytime you open yourself back up to the Cosmos after a will-full separation it's like a reunion of old friends rushing at each other with hugs and love and joy. In re-joy-ning the Universe tho, the usual tumble of human words and emotion is replaced by an entanglement of thoughts, and boy I had them in spades.

There is a chair in my living room that I totally overpaid for because it has so much character I just had to have it at any price. It's huge (I can sit in it cross-legged comfortably) and looks like something from a Hollywood-esque funky cool coffee shop. It's got dark wood, brass nails, and leopard print fabric. Oh yes it does. (I totally admit I have a chair fetish. Read here about my $10 chair. Ironically, the $10 chair sits opposite the overpriced chair, so it's like some sort of karmic chair-balancing weirdness.) When I found my leopard chair, I pictured myself meditating in it every day. It's a great chair. :) I wanted it in my bedroom for the privacy factor, but it wouldn't fit so it's in the living room. Unfortunately I'm never comfortable in the living room when the roommate is home because his bedroom is right next to it and there's either loud music or his presence invading the space, so the best seat in the house is neglected and the "living" room has become the dead, unused room instead. But not today. I settled into the down-filled cushions and opened my head to the downpour of thoughts that have been somewhat-impatiently waiting for me to look their way. My iguana stared at me and I stared off into space. For hours. Seriously. Every so often I looked over at the lizard and went, "WHAT?!"

Right on the top of the heap was what I should be doing next as gainful employment. It's not like I haven't been thinking about this for six months, but I keep coming up blank: I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up. I've read enough to know I'm not the only one with this problem, but I'm at an impasse. Everything I find fun in small doses I picture turning into a chore if I'm forced to do it 40 hours a week. I can't stand the thought of going back to a job that I dread showing up for, yet I need to pay the bills and I still have not won the lottery - damn the bad luck. I haven't had one response in a month of serious filling out of online applications. (Why doesn't ANYONE give you a name/number to follow up with?! We are WAY too automated these days.) Not a call, not an email, not even a "get lost." Of course, these are all large companies I've been applying to and monoliths like that move at the speed of tree growth. Many of the jobs I'm a perfect fit for and I can't understand why I haven't at least gotten an interview, but when I stop pretending to be blind, I know what's going on.

I've been dancing around this idea of making Reiki my primary job for... well, for years. I think my Higher Self is tired of waiting for me to pull my head out of the sand. Perhaps I am unconsciously rejecting other options in favor of the direction I know I should be going. I know how to market myself, but I hate doing it. I know I'm worthy of being paid for the service, but I hate accepting it. I know I have a decent gift in being able to move chi around and through and between, but I'm scared to grab onto that and run with it. Trust me, I have 100 excuses I tell myself whenever it comes up. Even so, I know somewhere in the recesses of my brain I need to stop effing around and take a stab at this. The Universe has taken care of every detail to allow me to do this. It's like this big open door and I'm standing there going "maybe I should just do this other thing before walking through there." I can be so dumb!

I even bought a massage table recently. Found a practically new one of a well-known brand for next to nothing. It's been sitting in the hallway for a couple weeks, as nonplussed as my chair for the lack of love it's receiving. I have all the tools. I have all the knowledge. The Knowing part of me screams "JUST DO IT." The rest of me sounds like the mean kids in school: "People will laugh. It's not a real job. You don't know enough yet. Your family will think you're even more of a freak than they already do."

About 6:00 tonight the alarm on my phone went off reminding me that I jotted down a business networking event at a local metaphysical store just in case I managed to grow a pair. I hemmed and hawed about whether I wanted to go, and in the end I put on my damn shoes and forced myself to walk out the door (huh - at least I walked through ONE door today!). I drove to Oceanside telling myself, "I am completely scared and totally unprepared but isn't that how most grand adventures start? Besides, this is the least logical action to take and walking the road less traveled has worked for me before. Look at New Jersey. And San Diego. I've been standing immobile for too long so I need to move in SOME direction even if it's the wrong one."

By the time I got there I had bullied myself into believing I was going to shake everyone's hand at that event and at least introduce myself even if I didn't have cards to hand out or a plan of any sort. I was going to start this new career path NOW dammit. No more excuses! I mean it's not like these people were going to eat me like trolls. Besides, I brought cookies that I'd baked earlier with me so I could distract them. Even trolls cannot resist the chocolate chip deliciousness.

I pulled into the parking lot and the store was dark and closed, and not a networking event to be found. Hmmm. I felt such a wave of relief it was ridiculous. Truly, what is my deal with the social phobias? I'm fine with people one on one, but gather a couple together, especially ones I don't know, and I'm a mess. I suppose I should at least give myself some credit for going.

I KNOW this is what I should be doing. I am just afraid I will succeed I guess. Sometimes it really sucks to know yourself so well.

5 comments:

Jenn said...

I am completely scared and totally unprepared but isn't that how most grand adventures start?

Yes.

Doing the "other thing" & failing because it was never right to begin with is even worse than being afraid of failing at the thing you really want (Speaking from experience much? Um, yeah) so all I can say is jump in there with both feet and don't look down! Getting your butt in the car was a great start. The Universe was just reminding you to face your fear. I mean what is fear anyway but an image of what we feel others will perceive us to be. As kids we have no fear because we don't care what anyone else thinks. I do not see that as a coincidence.

Don't forget...
Leap and the net will appear...

karmic chair-balancing weirdness = awesome line!

nonplussed = one of my all time favorite words.

Jill Luigs said...

Quite reading my mind!!!!

It amazes me over and over again how we are all one and yet we're afraid to show up as we really are. Showing up as me is showing up as you and you and you and it becomes a huge fabric of only we. That's all there is a big ol' blanket of we...

draagonfly said...

Jenn - stop throwing wise logic at me! :P haha I hate when you're absolutely right. :)

Jill - I like your words: "the fabric of We." You should trademark that!

I am going to remind myself of both you ladies' words tonight as I'm front and center, fifth row for the Mraz concert. I'm going to show up as who I am and remember that fear is only an image of what we feel others will perceive us to be. I will do this because last night at the Hollywood Bowl during the last song (Butterfly) he brought a ton of people from the front rows up on stage to dance with him. If I end up on stage tonight, I WILL NOT LET MY MIND STOP ME FROM HAVING A GOOD TIME.

wylde otse said...

good start. you are honest with yourself. the whole economy is in a pretty weak hiring phase for conventional employment, the lack of returns on your res.reflects that. it is not that you are not talented or gifted even, people are getting laid off mostly.

the important thing is that at some point your efforts will give you positive feedback.

even small steps (the first most difficult, daunting) are critical for foreward momentum to where you want to go. and success builds on success, until, before you know it, your confidence starts flying...it is sometimes hard to imagine success...yet when we start doing well, we sometimes look back in amazement and wonder what all the fuss was about.

A small work/search journal is rewarding... for each positive entry, in blue ball-point you will find a satisfied glow.

Even getting mobillized, and out, is extremely important..."life rewards action".

In a red pen, list daily expenses.from the sound of it, you may have to get temporarily creative in meeting such. when you turn the corner and you see your tangible(blue) and intangible (green) assets rise...in spite the general economic slump your spirits will soar correspondingly.

If you are in a place where there is a public market (this is the early creative part) you could offer trades for food or goods.

what you are offering is more than your craft or trade in a particular discipline (this clearly is your main contribution). your position is also one as a whole-life-society healer/enhanser. people need people much more that they realize.

even say a neck massage to someone in pain or discomfort can be a blessing (and having made it this far with a wonderful personality, without giving it to despondency, and not given up that personal power...and knowing that some energies 'out there' need to be managed with some circumspection)
you will learn the balance which will enable you to 'work your magic', and enrich yourself even as you enrich your world.

i like your net-working idea. getting cards made up, is excellent too... not to see how many can be given away, but to see how many can be placed effectively.

for this you could set a morning aside each week, to outline possible positive weekly strategy. and say, the first sunday of every month toward the monthly strategy.

it may be that the economy gets even worst, and that you might even want to move to a different area. but most likely you have all the skills needed to survive (or hone up areas you want to improve).

your choice of career already shows you are 'people person'
you can reduce stress (hey, say you walked by someon's yard and there was unpicked fruit tree. overcome even more surely any shyness... knock on doors... say "Hi, I was walking by and I noticed...etc. I am a ...such and such starting out on my career, but if you need something else..."

hey, a box of apples in the kitchen, and a blue entry in you work/assets logbook will feel real good :o) and when you meditate briefly before turning-in for the night, and give thanks to The Divine Spirit and the Cosmos, something in your heart will say,"Right back at you girl - love you too." :o)

wylde otse said...

Ok, more ideas (donno what opportunities where you are ...keep out a sharp eye...say...helping prepare someone's garden for the winter, (for carrots? say. ;O) or even mowing the lawn...as your value gets to be known, and spread about, you will get repeat customers and inspire in them the confidence to try some new therapy adventures. If you get too much work, you can help others by setting up a company of helpers. (steer clear of people 'into' alcohol and drugs...not biting off what can be difficult to chew)

ok, now i'll shuddup - kick butt :o) i believe in you.