This weekend held a lot of fun, but it was also a tough one because circumstances (and some truly asinine voices that won't shut up in my head) prompted me to initiate one of those "serious" talks with the boyfriend about what's on the horizon of the path we're walking. I'm not one of those stereotype girls that pushes for a white picket fence, but I know how I feel and after being together a year, I'm pretty sure it would NOT suck to spend the rest of my life with this guy. On the surface you'd think he felt the same. He has certainly professed his love in many awesome ways. However, behind the scenes there were a lot of comments and innuendos flying in both directions and I finally got tired of second guessing his intentions, despite my attempts to live only in the Now. Sometimes a girl just wants to know, ya know? Besides, games should be regulated to cards and boards and fields. In real life I prefer the Truth. All the time.
Unfortunately it turns out our thoughts on the future differed (which I knew before, but all his teasing made me wonder if things had changed because they certainly have on my end). This makes me sad (which I don't feel entitled to), but no less in love with him (or him with me he says). Still haven't figured out how much of a problem my feelings are going to be when we finally hit the apparent fork in the road (altho I have a good idea from past experience, and what if they don't make enough organic chocolate for this one?). Right This Minute I decided to cross that bridge when it comes up and not spend the rest of the hike moping about it. You miss out on too much good stuff if you're looking down at your feet sulking. Then again, a left at Albuquerque is sometimes the only bypass around Hell, crappy as the road is for lack of maintenance. (No, that is not a crack at Arizona altho the temp is about the same.)
Normally, when I'm feeling a bit off I look to nature to provide some clues as to which track might be the happiest one but this morning I admit I skipped out on meditation in favor of getting some work done. I haven't found anyone at the power company yet that will let me pay the bill with love and cuddles dammit. Ditto for Chrysler Financial - they prefer to have the government suck their... well, anyway... Perhaps the Gods took offense to my lack of attention, or the Universe is just not one to be ignored. Or maybe the mean voices in my head that are beating the crap out of my Ego manifested this to make sure I wrote it down, as writing is a form of meditation for me afterall.
The weather has been cooler these past several days so I had the sliding door open behind me. I heard a persistent tapping sound outside on the balcony. When I finally got curious enough to turn around and look, I saw a small brown bird sitting on the only twelve inches of railing visible from my chair. He was alternating looking in my window and smashing something against the wood. "Hi Birdie! What doin?" I asked. I love when the feathered ones come to visit. He looked at me in between every bash, as if to say, "Are you watching?"
"What's he smashing?" I wondered like every dumb blonde ever to lean over and peer at the monster to see if it's really dead. Cue the horror movie music.
I stood up for a closer look, and I swear he turned deliberately to show me what he had in his beak. The bastard.
It was a DRAGONFLY.
And apparently it was still half-alive because then I noticed the wings flutter after every pounding against his little green head. Can you hear the screams? Oh wait, maybe that's those stupid voices.
Since I was up, I moved toward the door to shoo the bird away thinking maybe it will drop the dragonfly in fright, but hell no. Instead he looked right at me, arched his neck and swallowed the damn thing whole. Well fuck me. Who knew birds could double as snakes? I haven't seen a performance like that since I owned boa constrictors. Of course he flew off once his meal was safe and his point made. I'll bet he's the jerk pooping all over my balcony too.
To the Gods I say: Thank you Captain Obvious. That makes me feel SO much better about Life when I see my own totem being mercilessly pummeled then eaten in one big defiant gulp. Perfect way to start my day. I need to go hug my iguana (Lizard is my other dominant totem).
Of course my head raced through all the things this could symbolize: I'm beating my head against a wall and should really just accept that the relationship will end and let it go. I should become the bird and fly away free with a full belly (you are what you eat, right?). It's just the food chain - the dragonfly served a purpose as nourishment for the bird - coincidence - meant nothing. Yeah right. Maybe I'll just become a regular Walmart customer while I'm at it.
Either way the opportunity to rise above the scene did not improve the cacophony in my head. I get a big fat F on that test. I know in the end it just is what it is - neither good or bad. That'd be fine if I wasn't human. Damn the bad luck.
There is actually more to this blog entry but I find one of the reasons I haven't been posting like I should is because I get stuck in editing over and over and adding too much then never finishing what I wrote. So that's a good stopping place and there it is. I need to start writing happier/funnier blogs tho. I notice lately everything I bother writing about and posting is the crap that goes on in between all the awesome stuff. Arg.