In other news, it was quiet at the house today because the roommate was out working and I was aware that I had the place to myself. I think my place was aware of it too. Funny how everything looks exactly the same, but the air is completely different depending on who is breathing in it. I haven't felt the serenity here since the roommate moved in seven months ago. It's not his fault - he's just being him and he's not the spiritual animal I am. My bad for choosing someone so unlike me. However, I didn't realize how far into a corner I'd pushed my inner wisdom. I felt a bit like a boiled frog hopping out of the pot.
Anytime you open yourself back up to the Cosmos after a will-full separation it's like a reunion of old friends rushing at each other with hugs and love and joy. In re-joy-ning the Universe tho, the usual tumble of human words and emotion is replaced by an entanglement of thoughts, and boy I had them in spades.
There is a chair in my living room that I totally overpaid for because it has so much character I just had to have it at any price. It's huge (I can sit in it cross-legged comfortably) and looks like something from a Hollywood-esque funky cool coffee shop. It's got dark wood, brass nails, and leopard print fabric. Oh yes it does. (I totally admit I have a chair fetish. Read here about my $10 chair. Ironically, the $10 chair sits opposite the overpriced chair, so it's like some sort of karmic chair-balancing weirdness.) When I found my leopard chair, I pictured myself meditating in it every day. It's a great chair. :) I wanted it in my bedroom for the privacy factor, but it wouldn't fit so it's in the living room. Unfortunately I'm never comfortable in the living room when the roommate is home because his bedroom is right next to it and there's either loud music or his presence invading the space, so the best seat in the house is neglected and the "living" room has become the dead, unused room instead. But not today. I settled into the down-filled cushions and opened my head to the downpour of thoughts that have been somewhat-impatiently waiting for me to look their way. My iguana stared at me and I stared off into space. For hours. Seriously. Every so often I looked over at the lizard and went, "WHAT?!"
Right on the top of the heap was what I should be doing next as gainful employment. It's not like I haven't been thinking about this for six months, but I keep coming up blank: I have no clue what I want to be when I grow up. I've read enough to know I'm not the only one with this problem, but I'm at an impasse. Everything I find fun in small doses I picture turning into a chore if I'm forced to do it 40 hours a week. I can't stand the thought of going back to a job that I dread showing up for, yet I need to pay the bills and I still have not won the lottery - damn the bad luck. I haven't had one response in a month of serious filling out of online applications. (Why doesn't ANYONE give you a name/number to follow up with?! We are WAY too automated these days.) Not a call, not an email, not even a "get lost." Of course, these are all large companies I've been applying to and monoliths like that move at the speed of tree growth. Many of the jobs I'm a perfect fit for and I can't understand why I haven't at least gotten an interview, but when I stop pretending to be blind, I know what's going on.
I've been dancing around this idea of making Reiki my primary job for... well, for years. I think my Higher Self is tired of waiting for me to pull my head out of the sand. Perhaps I am unconsciously rejecting other options in favor of the direction I know I should be going. I know how to market myself, but I hate doing it. I know I'm worthy of being paid for the service, but I hate accepting it. I know I have a decent gift in being able to move chi around and through and between, but I'm scared to grab onto that and run with it. Trust me, I have 100 excuses I tell myself whenever it comes up. Even so, I know somewhere in the recesses of my brain I need to stop effing around and take a stab at this. The Universe has taken care of every detail to allow me to do this. It's like this big open door and I'm standing there going "maybe I should just do this other thing before walking through there." I can be so dumb!
I even bought a massage table recently. Found a practically new one of a well-known brand for next to nothing. It's been sitting in the hallway for a couple weeks, as nonplussed as my chair for the lack of love it's receiving. I have all the tools. I have all the knowledge. The Knowing part of me screams "JUST DO IT." The rest of me sounds like the mean kids in school: "People will laugh. It's not a real job. You don't know enough yet. Your family will think you're even more of a freak than they already do."
About 6:00 tonight the alarm on my phone went off reminding me that I jotted down a business networking event at a local metaphysical store just in case I managed to grow a pair. I hemmed and hawed about whether I wanted to go, and in the end I put on my damn shoes and forced myself to walk out the door (huh - at least I walked through ONE door today!). I drove to Oceanside telling myself, "I am completely scared and totally unprepared but isn't that how most grand adventures start? Besides, this is the least logical action to take and walking the road less traveled has worked for me before. Look at New Jersey. And San Diego. I've been standing immobile for too long so I need to move in SOME direction even if it's the wrong one."
By the time I got there I had bullied myself into believing I was going to shake everyone's hand at that event and at least introduce myself even if I didn't have cards to hand out or a plan of any sort. I was going to start this new career path NOW dammit. No more excuses! I mean it's not like these people were going to eat me like trolls. Besides, I brought cookies that I'd baked earlier with me so I could distract them. Even trolls cannot resist the chocolate chip deliciousness.
I pulled into the parking lot and the store was dark and closed, and not a networking event to be found. Hmmm. I felt such a wave of relief it was ridiculous. Truly, what is my deal with the social phobias? I'm fine with people one on one, but gather a couple together, especially ones I don't know, and I'm a mess. I suppose I should at least give myself some credit for going.
I KNOW this is what I should be doing. I am just afraid I will succeed I guess. Sometimes it really sucks to know yourself so well.