4am Musings on Consciousness & Trying to Lose It

The Strange Link Between the Human Mind and Quantum Physics
http://www.bbc.com/earth/story/20170215-the-strange-link-between-the-human-mind-and-quantum-physics

I logged onto Facebook to say happy birthday to a friend and instead got sidetracked by the article above, which a different friend and fellow super-nerd posted on his page. The article talks about the link between consciousness and quantum mechanics (if you have a basic understanding of physics and quantum mechanics, no need to read the first part - scroll/skip down to where they start talking about Roger Penrose - he's on the Fibonacci spiral staircase). Just some light reading before bed to try to fall asleep - HAHA. This kind of thing has the opposite effect of shutting off my brain, but I knew if I didn't read it right now, chances are I would forget to read it tomorrow, and since I've spent the day thinking about energy and consciousness and such, off I went down the rabbit hole for some more. I mean really, what's a couple more hours when I already know I will have to sleep away half the day to catch up with myself? Stupid clocks.

I am proud (and a little surprised) to say that as soon as they started talking about the quantum superpositions of molecules involved in neural signaling, I was *instantly* at entanglement as a solution - which they outlined further down the article. :) (All Tom Swifties/puns intended.) In fact, I was just talking about entanglement and resistance today to a different friend, and even used plants as an analogy, so it's a bit quantumly freaky that this article pops up and mentions the same things tonight, although why am I surprised given the subject?

The problem I see with the direction Matthew Fisher is going with measuring phosphorus spin in Posner molecules is that he will loop back around on himself and find out that you can't determine a measurement on anything that we are creating ourselves - as described in the double-slit experiment, we (our consciousness) change the outcome based on our observation no matter how you try to measure it.

(And I seriously don't know why they think the idea or study of quantum consciousness is anything new... people have been discussing magick for eons. They've just slapped a different label on it lately.)

There is no perspective available from outside our own brains, which are making this up as we go along (and they already said in the article that they're considering solipsism, so duh). In order to create a definition, you have to have something to oppose what you are defining. In other words, you cannot say what is without saying what isn't (at least not in this realm). Consciousness and quantum mechanics both seem to deal with the space between - they are neither what is or what isn't, it always comes down to the cloud of possibilities, which is infinite and always affected by our choices.

One thing I disagree with in the article is:

"With the exception of people with visual impairments, we all know what red is like, but we have no way to communicate the sensation"

Wrong. In the movie Mask back in 1985 starring Cher (the one about Rocky Dennis, who had craniodiaphyseal dysplasia), there was a brilliant scene where Rocky helps his blind girlfriend understand visual concepts such as "red" and "billowy clouds" by using a warm rock and cotton balls (respectively) to stimulate the senses she has access to in order to create a definition of qualia previously unavailable to her brain. (In fact, it's the only thing I took away from that movie.)

However, I will give them this: proving that the mind affects the outcome of measurements (which we've already done) does not mean we can prove what's "real" (which is subjective anyway), but could give credence to the theory that we create our own realities. But again, that will loop back around on us because if we are creating everything as it happens, and it's only a product of our own minds (individual or collective), then consciousness and quantum mechanics is the same because there is no way for our brains to form an opposing definition of either one. It is, and we are, all one.

And now I really must sleep for pete's sake. The sun will come around the corner any minute. You know what would be really useful? Sleep mode in our quantum brains that you can select from a menu and click...

Oh shit. And I have to go back and say happy birthday to my friend!

Randomness

Thought I would share some of the random things I post on my Facebook page here on the blog. First off, I saw this really cool storefront in University Heights (San Diego, CA area) the other day and snapped a pic as I was sitting at the light.

I'm sure I've mentioned it, but for our new friends: Dragonfly has been my totem and unofficial second name since I first signed up for an AOL account with a free CD and a 28.8K modem in 1998. I am even called "Dragonfly" by some (which means many people give me dragonfly things as gifts so I have them on everything from coasters to jewelry to wind chimes). This kind of connection with a skeeter-eating bug makes you notice anything with the word plastered above the door. I finally remembered to search Google to find out what they sell, and it turns out they're just a hair salon. Pffftt! Disappointed! Hair salons are a dime a dozen and I don't think I've had my hair cut professionally for over a year so I really don't have much use for them. I like the colors and clip art logo, but I was hoping they sold something awesome like vintage items or metaphysical doodads. Oh well.

I tried to "check in" on Facebook from my iPhone the other day at home and had a nice little surprise - apparently Facebook has found my mostly-non-existant Reiki practice (Share The Way) and added it to their lists as a local business! I can't even imagine what database they would've retrieved that info from as the domain name is the only thing I've ever registered and I don't advertise at all. Yet there it was...

Now I just have to find out how I got there so I can be sure Scarlet Quill is also listed. Scarlet Quill is the website I'm building so I can sell my proofreading and editing services (scarletquill.com). And since I dog/house sit as well, don't think I'm not totally going to contact whomever owns Earth's Paw Mobile Pet Grooming and find out if they'll exchange referrals with me. I think I'm getting the hang of this networking thing. What a way to find local services. LOL

Last, I found out what the face of EVIL looks like. It's THIS:

I really do eat healthy most of the time, but I'm no saint when it comes to sweets. These things pry open your mouth, force themselves down your throat, laugh at the digestive acids in your stomach, then tear through your guts. And I LOVE THEM.

Love Lines make us Just Curious but We Feel Fine

Jonathan Harris is a really neat person. His bios all say he studied Computer Science at Princeton (not too shabby), but he's somewhat of a sociologist, anthropologist, and statistician as well (and I'm guessing he didn't really graduate as I don't see anything that says he has a degree, but who needs a piece of paper when you've already got the world's attention?). When I was perusing his web site, I found one of his creations called Lovelines. (Please note it appears he creates many of these sites with his buddy, Sep Kamvar, who is like the silent partner never getting enough credit in the background.) I thought it was neat that he made a program to harvest random lines that mention love from blogs all over the internet. What a way to celebrate Love! Cool form of poetry too if you click through and just read random expressions of heartfelt sentiment.

A complete list of his work can be found here:

Number27

If your time is limited, these are my favorites that are definitely worth a click:

We Feel Fine
Justcurio.us (Altho it's unfortunate that so many people don't take this site seriously. It is rife with inane questions and answers and spam URLs.)

Enjoy. :)

I Am That I Am, or Am I?

My mother and I had an interesting conversation in email yesterday. She sent me a link to an article published by Telegraph.co.uk asking the question, "Do We Want Brain Scanners To Read Our Minds?" You can read the full text here. (This is what happens when you proofread college-level science textbooks for extra cash - you are no longer interested in reality TV, late night hosts and guests [unless it's Jason Mraz of course], or CSI-type dramas. Thank God.)

The article covers testing of a new neuro-technology that uses functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging (fMRI) to track brain activity in people in an official Persistent Vegetative State (different from a coma). It has allowed doctors and researchers to communicate (or so they believe) with a 29-year-old man that's been vegging out since 2003. (Oh c'mon, how could I not go there?) The disturbing news is that if the communication is real, many people in this state could be conscious and literally unable to move a muscle. The prior belief was that these people were "awake but not aware."

Imagine being buried alive and you'll start getting the idea. You can see, hear, smell, taste, and feel everything - but you are absolutely unable to communicate or do anything about the sensory input you receive. Actually, being awake six feet under might be preferable since you could at least scratch an itch and scream if you wanted. Those things are not possible if your brain has become this ambiguous. Suddenly rush hour traffic on the 5 pales in comparison to that kind of lesson in patience.

Mom asked for my thoughts on the article, and I thought you might find it interesting too. I wrote back to her:

I actually read something in that book on the brain [I've been reading] just the other day that was relative and also blew me away. Check out this paragraph:

Pain and body image are closely related. We always experience pain as projected into the body. When you throw your back out, you say, "My back is killing me!" and not, "My pain system is killing me." But as phantoms [limbs] show, we don't need a body part or even pain receptors to feel pain. We need only a body image, produced by our brain maps. People with actual limbs don't usually realize this because the body images of our limbs are perfectly projected, onto our actual limbs, making it impossible to distinguish our body image from our body. "Your own body is a phantom," says Ramachandran, "one that your brain has constructed purely for convenience."

If this is true (and I believe it is), think of how that relates to being dead - would the body image still be projected even tho there is no longer a living physical body, and that's why we get "ghosts" that stick around for three days (or more) then finally move on? Does it take some designated time period in this continuum (perhaps specific to the individual) for the projected image to fade? And if so, the million dollar question would be what IS projecting that image then? Cuz at that point it wouldn't be any physical part of us like the brain. This begs the question: What is the (or is there a) difference between mind and soul?

The book goes on to talk about distorted body images, such as how people who are anorexic literally "see" themselves as fat. That leads me to tie into the article you sent me... if the vegetative state means consciousness is still working but the body is not, is that a physical impairment or a body image impairment? Is this why some of them "wake up?" Hmmm!!!! Perhaps the plasticity of the brain finally repairs the neural networks enough to allow them to "wake up" and move?

As for the last couple paragraphs of the article - I love how often Descartes is coming up these days. I think Science is finally shedding the last of the "machine view" skin. There is just too much evidence of the plasticity of not only the brain, but all our functionality here in this realm, both physical and otherwise. I think a more accurate statement these days would be "I am therefore I am."

The dark side of all this info, of course, is the old adage about once you open the door, ANYONE can walk through, good or bad. (Reference the atomic bomb, right?) Therefore, yay for us advancing technology and science, but NOT yay for what the government could then justify using it for.

There was another article I was going to post in a separate blog, but it's kind of related so at the risk of really giving y'all a time sink (if you're interested enough to read both full articles), I will include the link now.

It's published by MIT News and covers another budding technique using MRI sensors to detect dopamine's progress through the brain, thus giving a look into our thoughts regarding motivation, reward, addiction, and possibly even some new clues to Parkinson's disease. The full text is here.

I received the link to this bit of info from a friend that is into nanotechnology and "directed evolution." He was interested in the error-prone PCR methodology, which is WAY above my head, but I found the news interesting nonetheless. As Switchfoot says, those genetic engineers are the most high tech!

All thoughts and comments are welcome. I love discussion on this type of thing!

Ray of Light

I know Ray Levier personally and he is one awesome dude, in both spirit and sound. If you're into Jazz, check out the kudos bestowed on him in the article below, then head over to his web site for a preview of the tracks.

Ray's Way

Available on iTunes so you can minimize your environmental impact in purchasing this music. :)

I would also like to wish A Very Merry! to all those celebrating Bealtaine today/tonight. :)

There Is No Charge for Awesomeness

I was thrilled and grateful tonight to find that one of my very favoritest blogs has reappeared after going walkabout on my "Blogs I Follow" list for the past couple months.

I first encountered the person who writes this blog on RKOP. She always has something positive to say and her outlook on life is amazing. She is easily, absolutely the most awesomest person I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting on this planet.

Check her out:

Care to Kid?

Off her Pages

Earth Has A Magnetic Personality

My mother sent me this link. Very cool video. :) Click the "Art works page" link at the top right for more of their stuff.

Magnetic Movie

If you don't have time for all those, at least watch this one when they ask scientists "Do you think science can explain everything?" here:

Do You Think Science...

Awesome to watch the squirming going on.

Perian.org

For anyone using a Mac with OS X 10.4 or higher, I've found an AWESOME little app that will install all the codecs you ever need to playback movies and other files on Quicktime. It is called Perian and it is truly the Swiss Army Knife of codecs. If you've downloaded a movie from somewhere like say... www.thepiratebay.org... (which I NEVER do of course because that would be illegal)... and you get the video but not the audio, try installing Perian. Works like a charm on a Mac. (Windows users will have to find your own codec coolness. :P Not that Quicktime is used much on Windows anyway.)

www.perian.org

Blasphemy

OMG... can't... stop... laughing...

http://blasphemygame.com/

What covers nearly six square feet and costs 100 bucks and features various multicolored Jesus figurines, and the winner is the one who gets to be crucified first? No, not the carpet in Jerry Falwell's dorm room in hell, silly. It's Blasphemy, the board game.

Yes, now everyone gets to play a would-be Messiah as you race around the board maneuvering your personal Jesus through six phases of life, trying to get to the cross in time for the Big Event. Fight the devil! Give sermons! Drink a lot! Die for everyone's sins! You win!

Yes, it costs 100 bucks. But this ain't your average game. It's smart. It's extremely well made and well executed (so to speak). The cloth board is fully three feet across. Best part: A fresh new Jesus is crowned every time you play. Maybe the black one next time! Rejoice!

God bless Mark Morford for gracing the Net with his wit and wisdom.

Finally, I get to be a Magician!

Sera Beak, the Spiritual Cowgirl, comes up with some fun links. The latest posted in her blog is "Which Tarot card are you?" (I know you'll love this Diana!) The test claims I am the Magician.

You are The Magician

Skill, wisdom, adaptation. Craft, cunning, depending on dignity.

Eloquent and charismatic both verbally and in writing, you are clever, witty, inventive and persuasive.

The Magician is the male power of creation, creation by willpower and desire. In that ancient sense, it is the ability to make things so just by speaking them aloud. Reflecting this is the fact that the Magician is represented by Mercury. He represents the gift of tongues, a smooth talker, a salesman. Also clever with the slight of hand and a medicine man - either a real doctor or someone trying to sell you snake oil.

I'd have to agree that since moving to San Diego, it certainly seems as if I can manifest things out of thin air. I'm continually in awe of what has come my way the day after I've given it thought. I've always believed in creating my own reality and I've recognized my skill in manifestation before, but in the past it took time. SD must be some kind of optimal place for me, as my ability to bring what I want into my life has definitely been accelerated.

I've been told I'm clever, witty, and inventive, so I can believe those parts as well.

In contrast, I don't agree with the "salesman" description in this assessment. I don't see myself as that kind of person at all, although I easily recognize those that are. I'll have to dig a little deeper in the psyche to figure out why that would be in my cards.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Most people's fascination with magic seems to wane as they pass out of childhood. Adults become skeptical, practical, jaded. I've got my own healthy dose of those qualities, but not when it comes to magic. I still believe it's a real thing, and that there are people (human or otherwise) who can perform fantastical transformations of energy into form. Not that they are going to TELL anyone they can do that because good lord, you'd be abducted by the CIA that night and tested and tortured and poked and prodded within an inch of your life (or less). Cripes, I'm sure it happens all the time. Governments are full of coyotes and curiosity will kill more than Schroedinger's cat.

Ever wonder about that magician's oath? They are very serious about keeping their secrets among those that are in the business of illusion and enchantment (two of my favorite words). Sometimes I wonder if perhaps it's because some of them really ARE at a level of manipulating the elements. (That's when Logical Left Brain goes "PFFSSHHH. You are NUTS. How old are you?" So Right Brain grabs my tongue, sticks it out at Left Brain, then sulks for a week muttering "I am NOT acting like a six year old. It IS real. I KNOW it. It's just that no one will ADMIT it. Humph.")

Anyway, I also subscribe to the opinion that whatever may be considered "magic" is just physics we can't explain yet, but that doesn't make it any less magical. Think of it this way: if someone from the 1500s were transported through spacetime to our world today (not hard to imagine since Hollywood has covered this idea pretty well!), would they not see cars, movies, electricity, and the very technology I'm using right now to communicate as magic? We don't consider it so mystical because we've learned how it works (for the most part). But we are such a teeny tiny part of the Universe - there are so many processes and events and happenings out there we can't explain - hence, magic. (And Right Brain says, "HA! SO THERE!" Then it's Left Brain's turn to sulk.)

When I was a child my aunt had a friend, Daniel, who was a professional magician (maybe still is). Every time my aunt babysat I would BEG to go visit Daniel because he couldn't resist practicing his skills on the very willing subject of Me. I would ask him to do tricks over and over trying to figure out how he did them, but I couldn't catch him.

As I've grown up I've continued to attract magicians in my life as friends, and I still watch very closely trying to catch how they do their tricks but really, I don't want to know. I don't want to catch them or the illusion is ruined. I love that I can still be fooled by slight of hand and misdirection. Once in awhile one of them will go against their oath and offer to show me how they do it, but I always refuse (which is probably why they offer). I don't really want to know because that takes the wonder out of it. Sure, I feel smart when I figure out one of their conjurings (and they know that's the one they need to work on!), but then I can never again enjoy the wide-eyed feeling of disbelief that provides the thrill of their performance. It takes the fun out of it.

How many other things in life do we take the fun out of with our need to know "How?" and "Why?", instead of just enjoying the awe-someness of reality?

A hui hou, my friends. :)

Music to my Ears

I admit I’ve gotten completely distracted and off track from work today listening to new music on MySpace. One click leads to another… and another… and another… and all these people ROCK and suddenly it’s two hours later and I've done nothing but fill my head with awesomeness. Which would be great if I could get my electric and internet connection for a song. Who knew there was so much hidden music talent in San Diego? Why aren’t these people all selling out arenas yet (well, besides Jason Mraz)?

This started because I’ve been really diggin’ Dawn Mitschele’s voice these past several days. I first checked her out after seeing Bushwalla’s new music video for Mayhem is Beautiful. I knew Bushwalla from listening to Mraz of course. Funny how it's all connected, yeah?

From Dawn’s MySpace page, I clicked on Jason Ford’s profile by happy accident and found a song called Mi Lelolai A Mi Yaweh. Go ahead and try that out loud.

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Somehow they actually sing it – fast! – in the song and it’s very melodic. Those 13 plays recorded on MySpace for it today? Half was probably me. :D

I noticed Ford’s page says his record label is StepsTone, and I thought that was a pretty clever name. They have a MySpace page too, and from there I found the link to their web site, and a list of the people who have recorded with them (“Clients” on the bottom menu – no direct link, sorry!), complete with song samples. How awesome! This is how the two hours starts slipping away.

Seems StepsTone has a knack for picking people I’d like to hear more of. Perhaps they just never agree to record with a crappy artist? I dunno. They certainly seem to have the Midas touch when it comes to talent. Or perhaps they just pick the best to showcase on their site. My friend, Jason Demetri, has a recording studio in Austin, TX called Music Lane and I know just from a business perspective you don’t turn away anyone offering you money to use your studio unless you have a bigger better offer (like Sheryl Crow – woohoo! Go Jason!). So surely they’ve had their share of "ehhh" artists? Well anyway…

Your ears deserve to be graced by the following:

Kyle Phelan:
http://www.stepstonestudio.com/kyle.htm

Cameron Russell:
http://www.stepstonestudio.com/cam.htm

John Hull:
http://www.stepstonestudio.com/John.htm

Martin Storrow (if you lean towards a more country persuasion):
http://www.stepstonestudio.com/martin.htm

Just to bring things full circle, when I was looking up the link to Music Lane's client list, who do I find but BOB SCHNEIDER. Holy cow it's a small world. I'm surprised Bob's not holding it up to the camera.

Ain't Nothin Pointless About This Gig

When I was little - knee-high to a grasshopper as they say - Mom had a vinyl record that I loved to listen to over and over, by an artist named Harry Nilsson. This record was not your typical record. It had music on it for sure, but it also had a story - a very pointed story - and that story was appropriately called, The Point.

So far in my lifetime, I haven't met anyone who remembers this story when I ask if they've heard of it, which I find a little strange (and sad since it was an excellent piece of entertainment), but I did find some movie captures from the DVD on YouTube so I know I'm not the only one that finds it enchanting.

If you read the Wikipedia information on Nilsson, he's had his hand in everything from The Muppet Show to My Name is Earl, but not many people seem to recall who he was offhand. His career seemed a bit jinxed. The two songs you would probably recognize are "Coconut" (...you put the lime in the coconut and drank 'em both up...) and Everybody's Talkin' (yes, that one: everybody's talkin at me/I can't hear a word they're saying/only the echoes of my mind...), but I'll bet you wouldn't have been able to recall it was him that sang those. I was also surprised to learn from Wikipedia how connected to the The Monkees he was. I loved everything about The Monkees when I was a kid! And although I knew Ringo Starr did the narration on the DVD of The Point, I didn't realize how connected he was to the Beatles as well. But I digress...

In hindsight, I can see how this story may have influenced my thinking in a very positive way for the rest of my life. I can't tell you how many times a line or song would come to mind long after the LP disappeared. It's probably been a good 20+ years since I've owned a copy of it, so I went looking for it online the other night.

I know the record has been out there the whole time, and is out there still, available this very moment on Amazon in fact. I just don't understand why, in this recent age of apparent awakening of the Collective Conscious, it hasn't taken off like a shot. Maybe Oprah hasn't heard of it yet.

I'm here to tell you though, if you enjoy wordplay and double entendre, the message behind the message, and an enlightened kind of thinking, you should buy this story because you will love listening to it over and over, no matter how old you are. If nothing else, buy it for your kids (or nieces, nephews, etc.) because they will be better people for listening to it and being influenced by the ideas.

The story starts:

Years ago there was a place called The Land of Point, and that was because everything in The Land of Point had one. The barns, the houses, the carts, everything. Even the people. Everyone in The Land of Point had a point on the top of his head. Everyone, that is, with the exception of Oblio.

Now, although Oblio was born to a set of normally pointed parents, and although he was born physically perfect in every other respect, he was born without a point. He was round-headed. And as time passed, Oblio became increasingly aware of his uniqueness, and so did everyone else. Which made life in The Land of Point rather uncomfortable for him, and his parents.

You see, Oblio became sort of an involuntary celebrity and he was subject to the sometimes cruel and unusual harassment from his schoolmates. It wasn't easy being the only pointless person in the whole Land of Point. And in an effort to make life easier, his mother knitted a pointed cap for him to wear. It was to conceal his pointless condition, but it didn't do much good because everyone knew he didn't have a point, so it only managed to make Oblio a little lonelier. In fact, the only real friend he had was his dog, Arrow.

Nilsson's song Me and My Arrow comes in here on the audio recording. After that the narration goes on to describe how Oblio and Arrow win a game against the villain of the story, are put on trial, and are consequently banished to the Pointless Forest (which turns out to be not so pointless after all). In their travels, they meet many interesting characters, but my favorite is The Rock Man.

After a journey through The Pointless Forest, Oblio and Arrow return to the Land of Point with a new point of view, which they share with the villagers. Something very interesting happens then, but I don't want to spoil the end, so you'll just have to find out what The Point is for yourself. :)

The original audio recording is so much better than the DVD in my opinion (except for the wisdom of The Rock Man, which was expanded in the animated version). I've always thought plain audio (or books for that matter) are better because they allow your imagination the freedom to create its own scenes and characters. Don't get me wrong, I love movies too and I see a lot of them, but you can't always allow Hollywood to do all the work for you.

Anyway, I'm sure you get The Point. :D

Dog Karma

I was in Hoboken the other night with my friend Jessica to pick up a coffee table she bought for her new apartment. Jess told me Karma Cafe was a good place to eat when we passed it. I'm in that "must explore everything in this area before I leave" mode so I took Katy and her friend Amy back Saturday night to check it out. I thought "cafe" meant it would be like a coffeehouse with light fare, but turns out it's an Indian restaurant. Fortunately, Katy and I like Indian food. It was a new experience for Amy, but she seemed okay with it.

Quick restaurant review: Love the name of the place, but thought it much better for a coffeehouse than Indian. That's just me tho. Food wasn't bad (all three of us had Tikka Masala Chicken), but even though I was really hungry, it wasn't as good as Mela in Ridgewood. The chai was mediocre. Naan was a little too much like Native American fry bread. Atmosphere was only a 5 outta 10 because they had a bar with a TV over it. I'm all for alcohol served in restaurants, but it just doesn't jive with Indian fare for me. Also, if we hadn't been sitting in the window seat, my eyes would've strayed to the TV too often and I've never found that to make for a good dining experience. The waiter was really nice though, and the service was okay. If you're looking for Indian food in Hoboken though, I'd recommend Bombay West over Karma Cafe.

Now back to our previous tale...

As we were finishing, a guy walked up with an elderly dog that looked very much like Jazz, except the air about this dog was totally dejected. It looked miserable and slumped on the ground while waiting. The guy had come by once before while we ate, presumably to order food, and I guess this time he was there to retrieve it. He tied the leash to the railing before he came in.

We paid our bill and walked out, stopping to see if the dog was friendly enough to pet. It cowered in front of us, and that made me really sad. I wanted to give the dog some Reiki and good energy, but suddenly it was like my attention was ripped away and I couldn't focus because I was having a freaky deja vu.

It covered the time from walking out of the restaurant to walking away, but my awareness of it started when I bent to pet the dog. It came in this surreal rush, like two realities playing out at the same time in my brain - one in the present moment at normal speed, the other recorded earlier playing in fast forward. Everything seemed to happen twice but at the same time, and for a couple seconds I didn't feel quite like I was physically present in either space, just suspended between worlds - A Wrinkle in Time, if you will.

I could clearly remember dreaming the whole scenario (after some thought, it was probably around Thanksgiving in 2006), and I also remembered that in the dream I knew we were moving to California with certainty. That detail was clear because I woke up thinking it was strange that I would dream of moving there since Santa Fe was the first choice of place to move at the time. Mark and I had even discussed it. I brushed it off tho as just part of a dream.

On the sidewalk, my mind raced ahead trying to remember other nuances of the dream, as if I wanted to predict the future. In the dream, I'm pretty sure there was a stranger who said something to me about California, which is what made me aware that I knew we were moving there, but that didn't happen in the real life moment. It may have if I'd stuck around a few more minutes - maybe the dog owner would have said something to that effect - but I felt oddly panicky like I was stuck in this weird space and the only way to break the illusion was to walk away, so I told the girls to come on and we left. That ended the deja vu.

This kind of thing has happened to me before, but it never freaked me out quite like this. Most people experience a normal deja vu and it's just a cool phenomenon to them. I used to have those, but in high school I started remembering dreaming the scenes I was having the deja vu about. When it would happen, I was pissed that I couldn't prove (to myself or others) that I'd dreamt the very same thing, so for a long time I wrote down every dream I had. After awhile I gave up recording my Dreaming unless it was something truly out of the ordinary. Not being able to prove anything was probably the Universe saying, "Oh yeah? How's that working for you? Are you done yet?"

Thinking about this makes me wonder if the experience of deja vu is like jumping from one life path to another. Forgive me if I've written this before, but the best analogy of Life I've ever read was in Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch (of course I can't find the page to cite now - maybe it was Celestine Prophecy?), where he describes life as being like a video game on a CD. All the possibilities of where you can go and what actions you can take already exist on the CD. As the player, you are only choosing which path to take through the game.

I think we all have free will, but I also believe there are some milestones in life that we set up before we enter this reality, and we will reach them no matter which road we choose. (Have I said that too? I repeat myself a lot.) Your daily decisions probably make subtle changes to your path that go mostly unnoticed, but you'd think a major shift would be marked with some magnificent crescendo moment in life. I would not consider petting a dog a spiritual left turn at Albuquerque, but maybe that's where my path realigned for California. Who knows. Certainly felt like an etheric earthquake at the time.

Oddly (or not), while searching Google to find if I was attributing the CD analogy to the correct book, I came across this page:

http://www.near-death.com/experiences/articles004.html

This is a fantastic summation of elementary physics and how it relates to out of body experiences. I don't believe I had anything like a near death experience, but I found it interesting and relevant all the same. I like his idea that death is just losing your notion of time and space. I've always said time is only a human agreement anyway, and that's why I have such trouble abiding by the clock.

Vlad Studio

Vlad Studio is the awesomest place for computer wallpaper EVER. Check it out. You can get the low res stuff for free, but seriously folks, unless you're a starving artist yourself or something pay the man for his creativity. It's only $30 for a lifetime membership of unlimited cool shit to look at on your screen. Totally worth it.

Support the coolness. :D

The Bunny With Cookies

I keep forgetting today was Easter. The age of egg hunts and bunny baskets has passed for Katy so the holiday doesn't mean much to either of us anymore. My closest family is down near Philly, Mark went to his sister's house, and I took Katy to the airport to go to my mother's in New Mexico for Spring Break, then I came back and finished some work from Friday. Exciting. (Edit to add: I ate way too many Girl Scout cookies while writing this entry - does that count as celebration?)

The best Easter I ever had happened when I lived in Arizona. I think Katy was probably 6 or 7. For whatever reason I decided not to drive out to my grandmother's house that weekend. (She always cooks a big dinner on "major" holidays even though none of us are Christian.) Instead, Katy and I went to a Native American Pow-wow (not our first, and definitely not our last). As I sat in the Great Circle watching the hoop dancers in all their feathers and finery, I remember being truly present in the moment, and thinking how even though I love spending time with my family, it was so much more appropriate for us to be there that day, celebrating Life in general with these strangers whom I admire so greatly. If you've ever had a moment of complete clarity like that, where you feel so peacefully connected to everyone and everything, you know what I'm talking about.

I hope the ease with which those moments used to come to me will return when we live in San Diego. Not to say I haven't had any here in NJ, but it definitely comes easier to me on the western edge of our island. I've started letting go of the furniture to get there.

~*~

The We Inside of Me

If you have 20 minutes to spare, use it to watch this video. It is a most amazing story about (and by) Jill Bolte Taylor, a brain scientist who witnessed her own stroke and came away with a spiritual experience that obviously changed her life.

My Stroke of Insight

It's especially cool to understand the science of right brain vs. left brain functions, and connect that to our perception of the world around us.

I love at the end when she says: Which would you choose? Which DO you choose? You'll have to watch to understand.

~*~

What about taking this empty cup and filling it up
With a little bit more of some innocence
I haven't had enough; it's probably because
When you're young, it's ok to be easily ignored
I'd like to believe it was all about love for a child...

Mraz has this new song, Love for a Child. It's not released yet really (will be on the CD coming out May 13), but it got leaked on YouTube. He says he wrote it for his "very divorced parents" and I'll tell you what - there are not many songs that make me want to cry, but the chorus of this tune hits home a little too hard.

My parents have been divorced since I was 3, and only speak to each other if there is no other alternative. I have no memories of them being together, and when they're in each other's presence they act like business associates. It's hard to believe they were ever in love, and if my stepmother is witness to their meeting it's hard to remember Love exists at all.

Was it Mom who put my Dad out on his ass
Or the other way around
Well I'm far too old to care about that now...

My mother left my father; she wanted to finish her college education but Dad wanted her to be a stereotype stay-at-home mom. I don't think my mother had a cell in her body (at the time) that would allow her to be happy doing that. They both remarried, but only my Dad's marriage has survived (30+ long years, but at least this time he married exactly what he was looking for). My stepmother and I have reached a tentative peace just in the last decade.

My mother cut her second husband out of our lives so completely after he divorced her I probably wouldn't know him if I tripped over him now. I don't harbor any ill will in his case, but only because I can't remember much about the time he was in our lives. His mother, Fran (whom I considered one of my grandmothers), actually made a bigger impression on me. She looked like Queen Elizabeth and had manners to match. :) She was a very proper lady. Maybe it came from being Canadian. She did not put on airs, airs would be lucky to put on her, but in the kindest way possible. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'll bet she's the reason I love having tea. I have a vague recollection of having tea with her in the afternoons. Unless that's one of those things I made up until I believed it. :shakes head: No, I'm pretty sure that happened because I remember her collection of tea cups (they were lovely) and not being allowed to play with them. Hmmm. (My mother just confirmed it on the phone, that tea with Fran is a valid memory. Yay, I'm not insane.)

All my childhood memories are so misplaced in time it feels like every story I know about my younger years happened when I was 12. I'm often surprised what age my family claims I was when I'm recounting an event. I surely didn't feel that young when it happened.

Growing up with a single mother and minimal involvement from my father made me precocious in many ways. When you have to fend for yourself a lot, I guess you take in knowledge at a faster pace in order to survive, thus gaining more skills than the average bear. It can produce some nasty side effects though. I don't need a shrink to tell me that a good part of the control freak in me was developed from having no control over what happened with my parents (especially my stepmother), combined with a lot of time alone (and precious little control over that) because Mom was busy trying to make ends meet, and Dad stuck so rigidly to the court-appointed visitation times you'd think he was brainwashed to believe that was the only time I existed on the planet.

It's kind of nice to work the floor since the divorce
I've been enjoying both my Christmases and my birthday cakes
And taking drugs, and making love at far too young an age
But they never checked to see my grades
What a fool I'd be to start complaining now...

My birthday is five days after Christmas, so while I smiled at this part of the song because it's true children of divorce often get to celebrate things twice, the proximity of these two events in time sometimes cheated me out of the only positive result of my parents' split (from a child's point of view).

I forgave my parents long ago, but the scars etched in my history pushed me forward beyond my years. At age 19, just when I was about to get over my lack of childhood and maybe regain some footing on a different kind of immaturity, I had a child of my own and any innocence I may have hoped to enjoy disappeared. Maybe that's why my 30th birthday didn't bother me at all. I feel like I've been two ages so far in my lifetime: 12 and 30. Once in awhile a random fairy godmother makes me 21, but the feeling never lasts more than a few hours. I can only wonder what age I'll feel consistently next. Probably "retired." :rolls eyes:

I hope what they say about Capricorns living backwards (being serious in youth, and youthful in old age), is true because that means there is still hope of filling up my own empty cup with the star dust of so many innocent wishes. That would be brilliant. In the meantime, I'll just keep searching for the steady beat of peace and love and security - those moments of clarity that make Life wonderful.

~*~

We saw Horton Hears a Who last night at the theater. I've always loved Dr. Seuss, but my favorite book was One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. I don't remember reading Horton too often. I was surprised at the bold stab this movie takes at group-think religion, but I like the message it conveys of "exercise tolerance and respect, but don't stop questioning." Yay for teaching kids HOW to think instead of WHAT to think! I also appreciated the more obvious communication that just because you can't see or touch something doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

I have to make a trip to B&N now and refresh my memory of how the book actually goes because I don't remember Seuss making such a stand on controversial points. Perhaps it just flew over my head. The movie is worth seeing though, IMHO, so grab your kids or nieces and nephews (or go with adults, because you really don't need kids to justify wanting to see an animated movie) and escape for a couple hours this week. It does use passages from the book, but they don't rhyme the entire dialog.

Jim Carey and Steve Carrel are just awesome as Horton and The Mayor of Whoville, respectively. You can just see their faces in your mind's eye as their comedy makes you smile. Worth the price of the ticket! (The title of this entry will take on new dimensions as well.)

Green Day

In honor of St. Party's Day, do yourself a favor and go buy some decent music to drink to:

http://www.tartanic.net

These guys are more fun than Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan's panties have seen in a half a decade. Book them for your next party. Trust me on this. You have no idea until you've experienced it.

God save the Queen!

~*~

Last night we watched the first part (and half of the second part) of the TV mini-series John Adams. It’s pretty good but I’ve had to stop and explain some things to Katy. We’re kind of funny watching this together because despite my interest in Renaissance Faires and Colonial Williamsburg I’ve always been historically-challenged (meaning I can’t remember shit about dates and people in history). Katy remembers the facts better than I do having been in school more recently, and I can explain the psychology behind the plot points and the subtle innuendos of the dialog, so between the two of us we’re able to figure out what’s going on if we stop it every so often and explain things to each other. It’s like the blind leading the blind. Good thing neither one of us is blonde or we’d be a couch cliché.

This mini-series caused a weird dream last night though. I guess it was actually this morning between the time when the alarm first went off and when I suddenly fully remembered that it was Monday and I had to go to work, causing me to bolt out of bed like a ball shot from one of their old-fashioned cannons. I hate when that happens.

Most of my dreams are experienced from a combination of first and third person. I see the scene as if I was watching a movie, but I feel the emotions and experience the action as if it was happening to me in real time, and I know things intrinsically. If only I could figure out how to do this in waking reality, I could claim my deification. (That word looks like defecation – probably because it’s all bullshit. Hahaha)

The scene was obviously inspired by the show we were watching – it was like looking at a colonial village of cookie-cutter houses all lined up at a distance, except there were wispy pirate ships hovering above each house with billowing sails illuminated by a golden color moonlight. Each ship was anchored to a chimney by rising smoke and they all looked pretty much the same, just like the houses did. I presumed at first the smoke came from a fire below, however, upon closer inspection (by flying in? teleporting? just knowing? I have no clue) I saw that the smoke was actually coming from the people sleeping in the houses, and I understood that it was dreams which were creating the hovering luminescent vessels. I thought it was weird that everyone would have the same dream.

Somehow my thoughts connected the ships to Peter Pan and I was back outside examining them a little closer. They seemed to be covered in a flowing, dark green chiffon material, which I observed should’ve been Hollywood-creepy, but wasn’t. I thought it was some kind of seaweed. I remember thinking in the dream that it was weird of me to think of Peter Pan because it’s not often that particular Disney movie comes to mind. As soon as I focused my thoughts on Peter Pan, he appeared, swooping around the top masts of the ships, trailing light like a comet, and that’s when I woke up like I’d been hit with lightning.

:shrug:

Weirder than the dream is this afternoon when I went to post the link to Tartanic above, and I saw that someone new had commented on my blog (thanks Diana!). I go to check out her blog and her last entry mentions Peter Pan.

:cue Twilight Zone music:

San Fran Treasure

Apparently there's hidden treasure at 826 Valencia in San Fran. Wish I'd known about this place when I visited in January!

http://itotd.com/articles/628/826-national/

Thanks to Interesting Thing of the Day for the info. :)

I Has A Sweet Potato

I have so had this kind of day before (not today). Thank you Dooce for the link to this hilarious recount:

http://littera-abactor.livejournal.com/7748.html