Friday, March 07, 2008

Check Please

I've been really ill the past couple days, and for the first time in my life it didn't involve any phlegm at all, which is really weird for me. Usually when I'm sick my nose or my lungs are what's complaining. Instead my lot included fever, accompanied by all-over body aches, ending with a strong residual headache that even Advil couldn't touch. (I am the BIGGEST baby when my head hurts. I'd choose childbirth with no drugs again over my head hurting, but only if I didn't have to raise the kid after. I have my limits.) Anyway, I was so sick I had to call in to work, and that's unlike me too. I'm one of those people pleasers - always putting others ahead of myself - which usually ends in the Universe pulling my Emergency Brake. Fortunately I was only down two days.

It did, however, give me 48 hours to do little other than sleep, catch up on Tivo shows from early January, and think about what caused this bizarre illness. The conclusion I've reached is pure Stress. I've got more knots than Paris Hilton's knickers when Daddy cuts up a credit card over these decisions about my next move. I hate being pushed out of my comfort zone even when I know it will be better in the end. I guess it's a fear of the unknown bordering on a phobia. It's irrational. It's not like I haven't done this before - more than once even! I guess to give myself a little slack, moving across country with very little funds and no secure job at the other end could be daunting for many people. But I've also been told by a couple different oracles that everything will be fine... to stop worrying about it. In fact, every one of them has mentioned that unexpected help will show up. I am DYING to know what this unexpected help will be though! (Jesus Crackers, I've got knots in my stomach just writing about this. This is crazy!)

I had decided about a week ago to stop looking at apartments around the area I already live in. I was looking just in case I found out that I would definitely NOT have the funds to move across country. I mean seriously, there is doing it on a shoestring budget, and there is a time to say "it's just not gonna happen with what I got." But as soon as I think that, my brain reminds me of a blog post Bushwalla made quite awhile ago - very short and powerful to me:

You know you can feel your way through life. You can send yourself on journeys just by believing in yourself, and the power of self-manifestation. Every time I travel I affirm to myself that I can make it there just by being who I am. And the glorious part is I always do. 2 months ago I really wanted to visit my friend Jon (Blend Apparel) in San Francisco to re-up my soul( he has that type of power), and to visit San Fran and some other extremely inspiring peeps. I stayed positive with my life, and visualized...... and I made it. I leave in the morning. We are all making it: surrender.

OY. Surrender. Give in. Give it up. Yield. Concede. Hand it over. Submit. Relent. Throw in the fucking towel already and LET GO. I have all the words in the Thesaurus to describe it but I have the hardest time BEING it. We are all making it. Truer words were never written. (Thank you so much Billy.) Why is it so hard for me to have faith in this?

Do they have Control Freaks Anonymous?

Tonight, in a desperate attempt to shut my brain up, I went looking on Sera Beak's blog for a link to free tarot card readings. Normally I don't use tarot simply because I find it too hard to understand the hierarchies and how you lay out the cards and whatnot (ok, I'm lazy and when the instructions were more than I had time for I never tried again), but since I don't use them that often, and I've already exhausted every other oracle I have with my silly questions, I figured this would be a good way to "double check" the Universe. Hahaha. Like that's possible.

I chose the last link on Sera's list, which went to The Synchronic Book, because the words stood out to me. (Synchronicity is not only a favorite word of mine, but also a favorite collection of music. If you were unfortunate enough to be born after the 80s, The Police made Every Breath You Take a household phrase LONG before P. Diddy raped the song for the lame memorial tune I'll Be Missing You.) At first it didn't look like a tarot card thing, but I went with it anyway because it was interesting, and in the end it turns out you do get a result based on tarot so I knew I was in the right place.

The card I ended up with was The Star (get outta town because that means something to me even without knowing the interpretation) with the basic tarot meaning relayed as:

With Aquarius as its ruling sign, The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench the Querent's thirst, with a guiding light to the future.

Once again the Gods say, "Will you please stop tugging my sleeve! I have not forgotten you!"

Double checking the Universe is like being five years old and asking your Mom the same question for the 10th time. The odds are you're going to get the same answer.


On another note, I ordered a DVD from and we watched it last night. It was interesting and amusing, but not much new information. I'm always up for different perspectives though on why The Bible is such a farce, so I thought it was worth the money. I love that the guy who put together the movie was a former Christian Fundamentalist. Yay for The Inquisitive Soul! It just occurred to me that perhaps the label people have slapped on The Inquisition was a cosmic double entendre. Good joke, Universe.

I will add my disclaimer here saying that I don't begrudge Christians their religion (or Jews, or Muslims, or Buddhists, or anyone else), I just don't like how the zealots try to shove their beliefs down the throats of others, and swear up and down that anyone not believing the same as they do are surely going to Hell (or worse). The blood spilled over religion alone is enough for me to go "Uhhhhh... No Thanks. Point me toward the Peace and Harmony Road please?" Spiritual enlightenment is different for everyone, but I can't understand why people don't do their own research about what they choose to believe and why most don't really understand their religion. Laziness? Blind faith? Fear of Thinking? Bottom line: I'll respect your beliefs if/when you respect mine.


And... uhhh... I can't remember the other thing I wanted to write and once again it's far past my bedtime so I guess that's it for me.

Oh wait, now I remember. I had this really weird dream TWICE while I was sick. Never in my life do I remember having the same dream twice, although I'm sure it's happened. I don't normally remember both times though, and certainly if I have had repeated dreams, they haven't been one night right after the other. This one I definitely remember like I saw it in a movie theater but I will have to write that tomorrow.

Until tomorrow...


Unknown said...

I always enjoy your comic (or cosmic) twist on life's little adventures because I generally think in a very similar way (as we have discussed). It is good to hear you are back up an on your feet and hopefully had a good number of hours to process & let go of the stress that got you down in the first place. I'm going to check out that website too, thanks for the link!

Sometimes change is inevitable in order to live life to its fullest extent. The great news is that even if you end up across the country and flail there is always a way to get where you are supposed to be. It always all works out. :)

Unknown said...

Yuku is giving me a headache with mail so i'm just going to ask here :) Where did you get the SusqU tix because I can not find anything on that show posted anywhere...??? Matt & I were thinking we could make that show but prob not the others. let me know & we will SO get together in middle of nowhere PA :)

~ Jenn

draagonfly said...

Hey Jenn - responded on Yuku, although that's beside the point now. Something weird is going on over there though because it seems to have disappeared tonight. Hopefully someone will have it back up by tomorrow!