Moonlighting

Walked on Moonlight Beach tonight for about a mile. I don't know what it is about that particular stretch of sand, but it's definitely my favorite. It feels like home - familiar somehow. I love the juxtaposition of the silent, solid earthy bluffs on one side and the crashing ocean on the other. The space between was still damp from the tides, and the water came up to kiss my toes often.

A fine mist hung over the waves, but somehow left most of the stars revealed on the inky black background of the heavens. The moon was hidden beyond the night sky and yet light from everywhere cast shadows beside me. We are a glowing species here on Earth, reflections of the pinpoints hovering all around us.

Fragrance from fish, ozone, fire, people, and fast food joints tickled my nose in turn. I am amazed what my human senses could pick up; I can't fathom what four-legged creatures must learn from the breeze. Or perhaps my shape shifted for a moment to discover the secrets of the wind.

Tonight I am most grateful for the experiences I've been having since moving here. The lessons have been fast and enlightening, the people crossing my path interesting in their own ways.

Thank you for Now.

Being Grateful to Breathe Freely

I had to wait in line for almost 20 minutes to put gas in the tank today. At first I was annoyed because I had groceries in the car that weren't getting any fresher, and who wants to spend a beautiful day waiting to fill Big Oil's pockets with blood money? But the orange sharpie marker on my arm reminded me to "Breathe freely" (a new fav mantra that came to me last night as I was falling asleep) so I opened the sunroof and turned off the car to extinguish pollution from both air and mind.

I started by thinking about how grateful I was to again live less than a mile from the cheapest gas station in the area (hence, the lines - I also had this blessing in New Jersey), and that I managed to so easily manifest the money I needed so I could be there.

I also admitted that I was overreacting for my own convenience on the issue of getting the perishables into colder regions, and I was thankful that I was not truly pressed for time.

I then reminded my Self that everything happens for a reason, so maybe the delay had purposes I was unaware of.

When I leaned my head back to gaze through the sunroof, I noticed a beautiful hawk (or perhaps one of our resident golden eagles, I still have a hard time telling which is which) playing in the air currents above. Normally I see them over the field across the street from my house because it is a veritable buffet of tasty raptor snacks. Not sure what this one was looking for over the gas station unless he'd become addicted to stray fries in the McDonalds' dumpsters next door.

My feathered friends are one thing that makes Bonsall really awesome to live in. We have many large birds soaring around and I've often had the opportunity to watch them at length. The more I do, the easier it becomes to lose myself so completely in their flight that I can feel the waves and dips in the breeze as it sweeps over their wings and carries them aloft. Today was just like that. It was so nice (and easy) to rise above my negative thoughts, and I'm grateful to Great Spirit for giving my attention a better focus.

I'm also idly wondering now if gas stations breed negativity because the corporations behind them are doing such awful things to our planet. And now many of them (at least here in CA) have the balls to put TVs at the pumps and try to fill your brain with more blather and pre-programmed propaganda while you fill your tank. Not to mention the "convenience" stores carry such crap food and drink... but that's another post I suppose.

~*~

This manifestation of money over the weekend has been interesting. Katy and her bf (we'll call him E) finally made it out here this past Thursday. I'm amazed but grateful my trusty old Camaro made it all the way across country without even blinking. I should've had more faith in a Chevy.

The kids have definitely been having fun on the way as this trip has also served as a vacation for E. A well-deserved one I imagine after living with my overly-dependent daughter for four months. I've been struggling just to meet my bills on the salary from my job, so I was very worried about how I was going to afford doing anything fun with them while E was here. (He leaves Monday to go back East.)

The first challenge came up when E decided he wanted to see the Padres play at Petco Park since they're at home this weekend. My stubborn Irish pride was not about to let him pay for me, who is almost 40 and should certainly have enough funds by this time to not only pay for herself but the kids too. I mean cripes, I may not look my age (which I'm infinitely grateful for) but I should at least be able to act it. (Once in awhile. :)

I've seen people advertise free tickets at the last minute on craigslist before, so I decided I was going to ask the Universe for help. I posted in the Items Wanted section asking if anyone had four tickets that they weren't using to any of the games this weekend. I know this happens all the time, and the Padres are already out of the playoffs, plus they were playing the Pirates, who are in last place. Not something you would call "a big game." I had two responses within an hour. The first one was bogus, but the second one was legit. The tix were for that night's game, so I called the kids to tell them to come back from the beach while I emailed the lady to make arrangements to pick up the tix. I am so infinitely grateful to her and told her so several times. (I feel like I'm abusing the crap out of the word grateful in this post - there should be more than three words in the thesaurus to express gratitude dammit!)

Now I had to figure out how to get enough cash for gas and whatever else might come up. I remembered I still have a second computer monitor we're no longer using, so I quick took some pics of it and stuck it on eBay with every related keyword I could think of in the coding. Normally these things take a few days to sell, so I knew it was a long shot. I priced it above the going rate but with free shipping and I'll be damned if it didn't sell within the hour. I was surprised and not (and OMG was I grateful!) at the same time. Since I make all my Buy It Now auctions the kind where you have to pay immediately, I then had enough cash to be comfortable for at least that night.

We went to the game, I got to see my new friend again (we'll call him K) since he lives downtown near the stadium, and we all had a great time. K wanted to show us around the Gaslamp District (a section of downtown that's been revitalized with tons of restaurants and clubs), but Katy and E were wiped out from their day at the beach. We headed home, but agreed to meet today instead.

Of course, going down there again meant I had to come up with more funds, so last night when we got home I put something else on eBay, and damn if that didn't sell by morning too. How awesome is the Universe for helping out like this?

The kids ended up being super lazy today though and weren't ready to go anywhere until after 7pm. (And people think I'M bad about taking an hour to get ready! HA!) I wasn't going to encourage them to leave earlier because the more they're happy being at home, the less money we're spending. Unfortunately tho, by the time we left I couldn't get hold of K, so we were on our own tonight. We managed to walk the entire Gaslamp District anyway and had a nice dinner at an out of the way pub. It was a good time and I loved just roaming around observing all that was going on. Also found the House of Blues, which was good for future reference since there are several musicians I like that often make that their stop in SD, and Dick's Last Resort, which is a restaurant I've always wanted to check out.

Incidentally, one of my observations was that San Diego women really dress to the nines to go clubbing. There were so many stiletto heels and short skirts on little black dresses that Mark probably would've dropped over from sheer testosterone overload. (That's something I really miss about him - being able to discuss how hot people are and not feel like a total lesbian if the hot person happens to be a girl. I truly have no interest in girls [and he has no interest in guys], but we both appreciate pretty things no matter which gender they are. Too bad most pretty things totally ruin the image as soon as they open their mouths.)

The clothes (or lack of) are what really got me though. I had to stop and think, "Damn, did I dress that slutty when I was that age?" And Ego was totally like, "Honey, you were ALL OVER THAT." (I remember the first time I met Mark I was wearing a red dress and black stockings with 4 inch heels and my father said I looked like a whore before I left. At the time I was pretty hurt and defensive, but now I'm thinking he may have been right. Mark didn't mind tho.) I got all my clubbing/drinking/"whoring" done before I had Katy at age 20, so I was actually younger than most of these girls (in years anyway) when I was dressing that way. Thank God for fake IDs.

So anyway, the Gaslamp District rocks even tho I had to walk around with my hands in my pockets instead of holding someone else's. I was thankful I no longer have the peer pressure to freeze my ass off in a skirt and heels; my jeans and Chucks were never so appreciated.

Best of all, when I got home, I had email from two people answering ads for things I've had on craigslist for a week, so now, not only am I covered for this time with the kids, but I've managed to cover the overdue phone bill as well. Go me.

Breathe freely. Have patience. All I am seeking is seeking me.

It's worked so perfectly since I've lived here it's like I've been given the gift of magic.

Mindless Drivel

"Don't let your mind stop you from having a good time. Cuz if there's anything that slows us down, it's all that under the hat." ~Jason Mraz

Mraz relayed this bit of wisdom to the audience the other night when he played at Morongo Casino in Cabazon, CA. It stuck with me because it's one of those tests I'm still failing every time it comes up in my life. Witness a few nights ago: I was out with a new friend and we were trying to get down to the beach but the roads we kept picking didn't have public entrances. He was more than willing to trot across someone's lawn and go down private stairs to get there quicker, but I wanted to go around by a road I knew had a public staircase. He asked me, “What are you afraid of?”

I dunno... cops? Angry property owners? Spilling my latte?

I thought about this a lot on my way home. Is it a good or a bad thing that I don’t like risking getting into trouble (in some situations)? Am I missing out on a lot of experience, or am I being a good citizen? I feel like I’ve had more exceptional life adventures than the average bear, but then I hear of others’ worldliness with realms unfamiliar to me because I was too afraid to go there and I think, “yeah, I am lame and where did this pole come from?”

As with all things I'm sure the answer lies in the balance, but the line is fuzzy and vague and sometimes you only know you’ve crossed it when it’s too late.

~*~

So did you see they kick-started the Large Hadron Collider at CERN? We’re one step closer to getting sucked into a black hole of our own making. That would solve all our environmental problems, wouldn’t it? We just wouldn’t have an environment.

Trouble is they broke it already. A 30-ton transformer failed in its duty to power cooling stations that keep the liquid helium at a frosty -459.67 degrees (much like New Jersey in January). Not to worry though, CERN called Hasbro and Hasbro contacted Cybertron. Optimus Prime was sent to deal with it. The magnets were back on the subzero frig by last Friday, but now electricity bills and maintenance schedules seem to be keeping it from actually firing up again until next Spring. Go figure.

Science moves forward like a chameleon.

I think the research they’re doing is both exciting and dangerous at the same time. It’s like aliens gave us a book of matches and told us to go play in traffic.

If we actually observe the Higgs boson, and can therefore make some solid claims on how massless particles become mass, that would be huge. We haven’t had a major advancement in science of that magnitude since Einstein.

On the other hand, scientists swear they have calculated the math nine ways to Sunday to make sure we’re not going to cause a major catastrophe, but hello… they’re called probabilities for a reason. Probabilities usually encompass a few remote occurrences where side effects may include getting run over by our own sun as our universe is inhaled by God’s bright yellow Dyson. And we all know the Cosmos enjoys a good jokes on the humans.

But hey, don’t let your mind stop you from having a good time. :D

A Dog's Life

I've been pet sitting for a couple that's on vacation this past week. I have a lot of fun with their two tiny dogs, who are full of energy and personality (contrary to the pic above - my camera is not fast enough to catch them in action). They make me laugh hysterically every night when we play (I mean seriously, could that tail GO any faster?), then they curl up on the couch and melt my heart with their snuggling. I'm grateful for this quality time with my canine friends because it reminds me that life is more than what bills I owe or how much work I have left to do.

The tail waggers are all about the treats and the petting and the constant anticipation that anything I might be fiddling with up on that counter MUST be something for them to eat. I mean what else is a human's purpose in life if not to feed them? They're positive today is the day they're getting that plate. "What? You're taking that to the CAT? For real? DOG has three letters too - maybe you misread the package! Look again - no wait, ok, I'll follow you. Put the plate down tho. Like now. Ok, let me try to jump up and eat it while it's still in your hand. Is this a game? I'm right here! Why are you still walking? Just put the plate down. No, right here - I'm right here! Oh man... that cat gets all the good stuff." ::scratching and whining at the door ensues::

Dogs are just so present all the time. Now is the only moment on their clock. When you walk out of their sight - even if you're just taking out the trash - they think you've left forever. They cry and pout, then give you the most joyous greeting when you return: "Oh thank God you're back! We thought you were a goner. That door is surely a black hole, or worse - the vet! Did you escape the vet? We're SO happy to see you we will cover you in dog kisses anywhere that skin in showing! And thank you for forgetting NOT to wear flip flops again because we're SURE your toes need our spit between them." Where else can you get unconditional love like that?

I don't have TV because I rarely watched it back in NJ, so I figured why bother even hooking it up here. I haven't missed it, but while I'm with the dogs, it's nice to zone out and flip through channels. Besides, it's impossible to read a book with them on the couch because they are aware of the handicap it creates, and the ratio of two tongues against one hand. The daschund has incredibly good aim and likes french kisses. BLECH.

Tonight I landed on an old black and white movie starring Katherine Hepburn: Little Women. I remember reading the book by Louisa May Alcott when I was young. You could never get my nose OUT of a book back then. I don't remember reading too many of the "classics," but this was one of them. I even collected the Madame Alexander dolls of the characters (the only dolls I could ever tolerate) - in fact, I still have them in a box in the garage. I was amazed that as the story line played out on the screen, I could clearly remember the sets and characters my imagination created back then. How cool is the brain to retain all that for so long? Ok, not THAT long (Jimmy!).

The movie also made me think about that fairy tale I'm trying to manifest. Maybe I'm just old fashioned but whether it was Hollywood or the era itself, it seems to me that men were more gentlemanly back then. That's what I'm looking for. Chivalrous, respectful, and somewhat innocent in their romantic pursuits (or at least they were able to keep things in check during an entire courtship) and they were good sports if they were refused. Ladies were graceful and elegant, with good manners, good posture (of course, who DOESN'T have good posture in a corset?!), and proper speech. Even though the acting was comically bad, the blocking made you wonder if this was the director's first time out, and there were no special effects, there is a certain charm to those old movies that I think more people desire in their daily lives than will admit. Maybe they don't realize that civility is the ingredient that's missing.

What kind of jaded society have we become that we are too lazy to enunciate, too impatient to walk slowly into a new relationship, and too presumptuous to properly introduce one another and take the time to learn who we are? I contend that these are simply bad habits we've fallen into, and we are lazy as well so we don't change them. Most people know how they should act, they just don't bother.

I know not ALL people are like that, but generally in Generations X and Y the tendency towards these traits, along with a sense of community, is deteriorating. I feel like some old biddie when I worry what the following generations will be like, and how this effects our happiness as a Whole. Just lock me up in a retirement home now. Perhaps we can't live in an ideal world because everyone's idea of perfect is different (or maybe we DO live in an ideal world since the Universe works without fault), but I still feel there are some things that everyone would agree could improve.

After I came home I sat on the balcony in the papasan chair awhile, conversing with the moon. It's beautiful and full tonight, glowing so bright it cleared the sky of stars except for the outer reaches of the horizon. In my head I listed out all the good things in my life, and imagined dancing with the man of my dreams. Silly? Maybe. It's true though. He would have the grace of Fred Astaire, the charm of Charlie Chaplin, a dash of the rogue Humphrey Bogart's characters embodied, and the humor of Dane Cook because c'mon - I don't live in that era afterall!

I'm too tired now to really know where I'm going with this so I guess I'll end it here. The things I told the moon I am thankful for were:

• The balls to move to San Diego
• New friends
• Always having enough
• The ocean only 15 miles away
• New beginnings

A Quirk of the Network

This morning I woke up about 10am. I lay there thinking for awhile – or rather, trying not to think and not succeeding - then I woke up again at 11:30. Then “I” had a two-hour board meeting with Ego since meditating was putting me to sleep. Is being entertained by your own thoughts for literally hours at a time normal?

Ego aired all its grievances, protests, arguments, and drama in the matter of Me vs. The Recent Past, and “I” listened intently, but the only response “I” could come up with to each diatribe was a big fat “WHATEVER.” When Ego finally ran out of things to bitch about, “I” asked, “Are we done now?” And I think we are.

Perspective is so valuable but easily lost in the pockets of our brain. Sometimes I wonder if Ego even steals it and hides it on purpose.

After that I picked up the Tolle book (New Earth) that I still haven’t finished (it’s taking me months to read because I keep reading other things in between) and damn if the next three chapters weren’t all about exactly what I just did. Well it’s always nice to have validation.

As Jason suggested to the audience last night, we spend too much time in our minds. I know it's true, I even knew it the past few days, but sometimes it's hard to step outside your own drama. Like looking for the doorknob in the dark. I will stop worrying about being cool and just go have fun.

So, um… moving on…