Get the Funk Out

I am Bummed (yes, with a capital B). Maybe it's the weather that stays grey all day but refuses to snow (or when it does snow, it's big wet nasty flakes that just make the roads dangerous). Maybe it's because I'm tired of being cold. Maybe it's being sick with bronchitis for going on two weeks now. Maybe it's because I "did the responsible thing" and didn't go to the Mraz concert in Vermont a couple days ago (responsibility is the sucky part of being an adult) or the fact that my credit is royally screwed from bad past decisions and I can't fix it overnight. Maybe it's the fact that I can't even fucking think in this house because there is constant noise and commotion and people coming through the door and the dog freaking out, or maybe I'm just tired and cranky. It's stupid that I feel this way because good things have been happening, but I can't seem to shake this funk no matter how many times I go over the list of things I'm grateful for. I'm just not feelin it. Is that bad or just human?

Here's some of the good things:

I got my "Irony" tshirt from Blend yesterday. Jon is so good to me. These things aren't even for sale on the web site yet, but he sent me one in advance because he's cool like that.

IT finally received my new MacBook Pro at work so I traded in the Dell I've been working on and thankfully kicked Windows to the curb once again. It's awesome that I've worked in so many Apple-user offices. In fact, I think the porn company was the only non-Mac corporate outfit I've worked for (if you can call them corporate). Oops, no, the lawyers used DOS-based machines. (Yikes! How old is DOS?) Whatever the ratio is of Mac offices to Windows offices, I'm sure I've beat the statistic for someone who isn't involved with Information Technology.

Steve Jobs' keynote address at MacWorld was awesome. The new toys are all really cool. As soon as I make my first bazillion dollars I'm buying them all. I fantasize about working at HQ in Cupertino (especially since I've seen it now). Yes, I could be the poster child for Macaholics Anonymous. It's the grace in design that brings out the love. Sure, there are other products that do some things better or offer features the Mac doesn't, but do they look that awesome doing it?

I've got some travel coming up - Marie's baby shower is next week in Texas, and Mark and I are going to LA in early February. Yay.

Found new Mraz videos on YouTube tonight. Apparently he played a closed show in NYC last night. Just kill me now. I don't get to see him in Vermont, then he's right next door and I don't even know it. Well, actually I had a really weird unexplainable vibe the other day at work and I had the thought that he might be in the area, but I blew it off as logical speculation - I mean duh, he lived in NYC so he must have friends here to visit. :sigh: One of these days I'm going to start believing my intuitions and then we'll all be in trouble. The videos really shouldn't be posted because they're songs from the new cd. I wrote to the dude to let him know, but that's all I can do to help. I was sure happy to hear them though. Made my night. And hey, I don't feel quite so funky anymore.

When I Look at the Stars

I stood outside tonight at 3am wrapped in a blanket staring out at the stars. I couldn't find Orion between the trees and the roof, but perhaps it was too late in the evening (or the season) for that. I'm not very good at remembering what stars will be where when; I'm just grateful for whatever the sky offers when I look.

You can't see quite as many from here as from the deck in South Carolina, but I know the same ones are there whether we can see them or not. NYC outshines a lot of them. I wonder what it was like hundreds of years ago before electric lights drenched our view. Do you suppose that's why we've become the way we are? Not only have we made ourselves so busy we've forgotten to look up, but we've actually thrown our own cloak of artificial light over our faces, making it impossible to see beyond the end of our noses even when we want to. For many people out of sight means out of mind. Are we ignoring the truth of our beginnings?

It's been awhile since the blanket of clouds was thrown aside to expose the heavens. They looked like diamonds sparkling between the naked branches of slumbering trees. We still have Christmas lights on our bushes out front and the other night when I arrived home after dark it occurred to me that the reason I prefer white lights on the bushes could be because it looks like the stars have all fallen into the shrubs.

~*~

I haven't checked in with the Runes lately so I pulled one the other night. I found Isa staring back from my palm. I found it amusing since I had thought of it before I even pulled one from the bag. I'm not sure if it was a product of my thoughts or if it was just confirming what I already knew. Winter and stillness are the messages of this rune (how appropriate in the middle of our NE winter when the temp has been down in the teens and all you want to do is stay in the house by the fire or under the blankets!). It indicates a period of waiting things out, a freeze on all useful activity, plans on hold. You could call it the hibernation of the soul. I do feel that's where I am, but it's not a bad feeling, just a waiting game until I can move forward another step; like the short space between breathing in and breathing out when you're really doing neither. Not sure what the next step is, but I think it will be in a good direction when it comes.

~*~

I'm off to watch the rest of the Zeitgeist movie. Ironically, I'd been sent a link to a portion of it on YouTube months ago, but I didn't realize that's what it was. The portion I saw only covered the similarities of Christ's birth story and many other mythologies from ancient times (explaining the whole story of Christmas). I've always known Christianity was just a repackaged version of former beliefs (my favorite expression to describe that particular religion: "The Greatest Story Ever Sold"), but this movie lays out the correlations really well. I can't imagine how anyone with a brain can deny that it's simply a story meant to control the masses. People take it all so literally tho. I guess if it keeps you out of trouble it can't be all bad, but my instinct says that's the lazy man's way of interacting with God. It's not always fun, but it's definitely more entertaining and exciting to seek your own Truth.

I've got it zipped up and on the server for a short while if you're interested. Just click here to download. If you have trouble getting it to play, you may need to install the xvid codec, available here.

Wrapping Up 2007

Random thoughts (that went long):

I had to put Earl down a couple days ago. It sucked balls, as expected, and I cried so hard I have another headache just thinking about it. It was better than looking at him suffering though, which he started to do the night before. I wish I could’ve taken him in right then because watching his ragged breathing was awful, but Oradell Animal Hospital’s Emergency service is the most ridiculous bunch of BS I’ve ever regretfully dealt with in the past. They won’t let you be with the animal when it’s put down, the doctors are condescending, and for all that they charge you out the ass. No. I won't have it. It’s selfish that I made Earl wait 6 hours until my regular vet opened, but I just couldn’t let him die alone from a hand that didn’t give a shit, and then be in debt for it. NO. NO. NO.

As it was, Dr. Welch wasn’t at Franklin Lakes A.H. when I went in and Dr. Kozak was the one to play Grim Reaper. Fitting, since she’s the one who broke my dog when we took Jazz in for X-Rays (Jazz came home with cold tail, which is caused by overworking a dog's muscles). I wasn’t thrilled, especially since she charged me for an office visit simply because I wanted to be with Earl when she put him under (that would’ve never happened with Dr. Welch), but I figured she can’t possibly fuck up killing an animal.

He’s at peace now though, whole and perfect again, and not in any pain. I hope Zeus was kind enough to meet him at the bridge and help him get acquainted with the new existence.

Edwyn, his cagemate, seems unaffected for the most part, except that he’s taken to scaring the shit out of me by sleeping entirely on his side with his big ol’ feet sticking straight out like he’s dead. I wonder if he thinks it’s a joke. Wilbur did the same thing to me, but only once. Edwyn's been doing it daily. I tried pushing Edwyn’s and Wilbur’s cages closer together, hoping maybe the two wimps (I say that affectionately) of my chinchilla herd would get along and live together, but they spent a good 30 minutes posturing and biting the bars between them, erping threats across the divide. There’s nothing funnier than pissed off fuzzy rats. How can something that cute get so mad?

~*~

Everywhen is my new favorite word. I found it today in a Wikipedia description of “Dreaming” as defined by Australian Aborigines. What can I say? One click leads to another. I’m not even sure how I got there, but it’s been an interesting read.

Credit for coining the term goes to Emeritus Professor W.E.H. “Bill” Stanner (1905-1981), an anthropologist I fully intend to check out further.

“He coined the terms the "Great Australian Silence" and "everywhen" in the 1968 Boyer Lectures titled "After the Dreaming", reflecting on the silence on Indigenous Australians in Australian history after white settlement.”

Go Bill!

As I read more about this exclusion of the Aborigines' story from Australia’s historical accounts, I see the root of the problem is that the Aborigines were basically ignored as if they weren’t even there when the British were writing the history books - and the legal books - for Australia. Sound familiar Native Americans? How ‘bout you Maoris? WTF? Was I sleeping during this lecture in high school or are we so narcissistic in America that it was deemed too unimportant to include in the curriculum of basic education? Why were/are Anglo-Saxons so afraid of indigenous people, or anyone not of A-S descent for that matter? What put this insane fear into us white people?

My gut tells me it’s because somewhere deep in the subconscious we recognize that these are the people that can debunk the bullshit of organized religions and patriarchal hierarchies. These are the keepers of the Truth that remember how and why we are here, and if enough of us acknowledge that primordial Truth (because the memory will never completely leave our genes), there is fear that the Few will no longer control the Many. Oh, calamity. :rolls eyes:

Fear is such a twisted, ugly thing. Just look how it’s changed the tone of this entry already. I started out fine, now I’m pissed and upset. I don’t even want to be – this started out with a cool new word that I love the concept of. I gotta let it run its course now tho cuz I don’t want it sticking around.

Have you looked at any given politician or national religious figure lately and noticed their twisted visage compared to someone truly considered “good people?” Go look. Pay attention. The longer they’ve been at the game, and the more corrupt they are, the more twitches, the more immobility of their mouth, the more lines (aka lies) are written on their face. PR people can only hide so much with makeup and hair color and carefully chosen wardrobe. Read between the lines and on most accounts, you’ll find a shriveled, starving soul. It just makes me sad that there are so many like this. And it takes being outside that groupthink to see it. And if you’re outside, you’re spending so much time defending your position, how can you expect to live and discover and create? But that’s what they want – robots, not creators. :sigh:

My thoughts are that the solution lies in respect and acceptance among all levels of living beings. Yeah, this isn’t new info, even to me, but I’m just riding this train of thought to get it down in a communicable media because obviously there are still people out there that don’t get it and someday I hope to wake those people up.

Of course the key to respect and acceptance is an absence of fear, e.g., Love. We all have a place in the world, but our place is not all the same, and thank goodness for that! What a boring existence it would be if everyone was on exactly the same level. Peace can only come when all levels of beings respect all other levels of beings, and accept their Here-and-Now Place on Earth. That doesn’t mean they can’t move betwixt and between levels, just that whatever level they may currently be on, they still must respect the creativity of all the other levels. Guess I'm not respecting the level of the fear-mongering politicians, but it would be nice to just not have fear at all.

Humans. It’s no wonder the Gods weep sometimes. :shakes head:

Ok, I’m done with that.

~*~

I completed my 39th year on the planet yesterday, and with a gentle breath over sugar-laden candles officially celebrated my existence through another turn around the Sun. 39 doesn’t feel as old as it looks. Sometimes I wonder if because I can’t seem to sync up with the clock everyone else abides by, maybe time is counted differently for me. My hair disagrees, but there are means of persuasion for that and I’ve been considering them more seriously lately despite my vow never to go there. (Yeah, let’s pour toxic chemicals on our largest organ at the closest point to the brain! That sounds like a good idea! Take up smoking and go on a fast food diet too, why doncha? Meanwhile, Vanity whispers in my ear, “Red-gold is so much sexier than grey. No one’s gettin’ out of here alive anyway. C’mon, you know you want to.”)

The word “never” is always the kiss of death for my vows.

[Note to self: If I ever do acquiesce to marriage, make sure “never” is banned from the script!]

~*~

My Father’s Good Name is a brilliant UK duo working on their success story. The following is a reply I posted to Mike’s blog about his ex-girlfriend becoming engaged to the person she was cheating on him with. He’s hurt and angry, as anyone in that situation would be, and asks for opinions from the readers. I’m posting my reply here for archival purposes because these words reflect part of who I am and what I think about romantic relationships:

One of my most favorite sayings comes to mind here - When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

Relationships are so unique, each with its own set of trials and justifications, but personally I think they are what helps us evolve most here in this Everywhen, and so they are ALL worthwhile in some way. If you can come to see them as learning opportunities, for better or worse, then you will find yourself better able to enjoy the ups, and deal with the downs more constructively.

My own view is that each person in a relationship must be a Whole unto themselves, walking along a shared path. It's more of a "you compliment me" thing than a "you complete me" thing. I'm not sure sacrifice should be part of love; compromise yes. Sacrifice implies something you don't really want to do and normally ends up in resentment. Compromise is something you're willing to do; it may be uncomfortable, but it won't violate your boundaries. It's understandable why so many people don't know where to draw their line, and no doubt the line is blurry to boot.

I cheated once in high school and it didn't involve any sex, just a date with a guy that I'd been interested in for years, but we'd only been friends up to that point. I was found out by my boyfriend, in person, and the pain it caused me to see how much I'd hurt them both made me never want to burn the candle at both ends again.

On the other hand, I seem to attract cheating men like bees to honey and I haven't yet figured out why. Perhaps it's just the lot of those born with (natural) red hair and absentee fathers? :chuckle: It's taught me that you must absolutely be honest with yourself, know your own boundaries, and accept others for who they are. And I'm still learning.

Honor your anger, but don't let it eat you up. Put a limit on how long you're willing to feel it, then do what's necessary to move on, and be firm with yourself because the temptation will be there to slip into self pity. If your relationship with this girl didn't work out, that must mean it was only meant for a short while, not forever. Forever is a very long time, and outgrowing a relationship is not a crime.

In every situation, there is much to be grateful for. Imagine what it will be like to look behind you and see this relationship from the light of something more in tune with your boundaries and beliefs. Be thankful for the songs that will come of it (just maybe a #1 hit!), and the wisdom you'll now have for application in the next relationship.

Remember you can only control YOU, and you can't go wrong if love is your true intent behind your actions. Picture holding onto the lesson while the emotions sift through your soul and back into the universe. If you retain the knowledge gained in the lesson, chances are you won't have to repeat the course. :)

~*~

My 2007 Highlight Reel:

~ Traveled to San Jose in January to visit Mom (she was there for a work project) and discovered I LOVE Santa Cruz (but San Diego would still be first choice). Successfully completed my goal of sticking my feet in both oceans in this lifetime, communed with the redwoods (which was awesome), and updated my memory of San Fran from 6th grade. Also saw (from the highway) Apple Headquarters - the Mother Ship. ::cue celestial angel choir::

~ Went to Joe’s house in SC for a weekend of solitude in February and discovered how amazing it is to get lost in the stars while sipping chai on the deck, wrapped in blankets, even when it’s only 32 degrees out.

~ Mark and I went to Tempe in March and I got to see “the old place.” Confirmed that I don’t miss it that much, although it’s great to visit while the NE is still frozen!

~ Katy turned 18 in May so she’s officially an adult (just wish she’d act more like one!).

~ Katy graduated in June (thank God!) and my goal of making sure my kid at least has a high school diploma was met.

~ Tried to go to Marie’s first anniversary party in June, but the plane got grounded because of weather and since I was on a free ticket they couldn't reroute me. This started a trend of planes being grounded when I’m on them. If you have trouble getting out of the airport, check the roster and see if I'm on your plane. I will try to break this curse in 2008.

~ Took my second trip to SC in September for a Mraz concert at Converse College. Survived heart skipping several beats. I hung around early and watched them set up hoping to run into him, but no luck. My only regret is not staying after to see if I could untie my tongue this time. We would have so much to talk about, but I feel so guilty doing that knowing he’s tired after a show and not into meeting fans at that point, then there's that chronic shyness thing. Still absolutely an AWESOME time.

~ Mark and I had a rad Halloween party and I realized how many friends I’ve made at Pearson (very cool).

~ First class trip to Dallas in November to visit Marie & Scott and attend TRF with them. Plane was only grounded for a couple hours. Met Bud “the Commander” (former Hell’s Angel) and discovered another badass biker that turned his life into something awesome (and legal). I am duly impressed. Shit, I still have to get him a Rutgers tshirt and hat as promised.

~ Awesome New Year’s Eve party with many of the same friends from Halloween, plus some that didn't make it last time. Included the shouted countdown at midnight while the ball in NYC dropped on our TV. (Not literally.) Ending the year in a Kodak moment always rules.

My new mantra for 2008: More travel, less stuff.

I’m out! Thank you New York! Goodnight!

Follow the Signs

My friend Marie once told me, "If you're lost, stay on the big roads and follow the signs." She was speaking literally at the time because I was driving in an unfamiliar city, but I thought it was a very profound statement. [Note: I also recently found out it was our friend Carrie that actually first said it - we do tend to steal quotes from each other.]

Part of the magic I find in life is being open to signs from the Universe. I think some of them are to let me know I'm still on a good path, and some are to nudge me in one direction over another. I don't believe there are any "wrong" paths to take, but some are definitely easier or more pleasant than others, and I'd like to stick to those. Oracles like runes or medicine cards are great for poking around your subconscious, but receiving a little wink from the One is a thrill on the level of winning the spiritual lottery to me.

This three-part story is about the most obvious communication from the Greater Good that I've received, and since it happened around Christmas it's probably good timing to share it now.

Part I
When Katy was somewhere around 11 years old, she wanted to go Christmas shopping for me on her own so I didn't know what my gifts were. I wasn't comfortable letting her loose in the mall by herself yet, so I asked Mark to take her. I gave her $100 to spend, and told her to take a purse to put it in. Katy has never been a girly girl and wasn't in the habit of carrying a purse, but I was afraid she would lose the money if she put it in her pocket since that had happened several times in the past. I also wanted her to learn some responsibility by carrying it herself. She relented and put the money in the purse.

The first thing Mark and Katy did when they got to the mall was eat dinner at the food court. Once their hunger was satisfied they were ready to shop. Mark told me they got to the first store, Katy picked out something nice for me, but when they got to the register, she discovered she had left the purse on the chair in the food court.

They retraced their steps, but by the time they got back, the purse was gone. Katy was very upset. They asked some of the cafeteria workers and security if they had seen it, but no one had. One of the security guards suggested they report it missing at the mall office, and if it was found, management would call.

When they arrived at the office, someone had in fact turned in the purse, but the $100 was missing. Mark replaced the money out of his own pocket so Katy could do her shopping because he's a wonderful person that way, but she was very upset that another person would be so dishonest. I was disappointed she had been irresponsible, but tried not to make her feel worse than she already did. I told her the person must have needed that money much more than we did, and maybe that $100 allowed that person to have a much better Christmas than they would have otherwise. She wasn't convinced, but I could tell she was at least thinking about it.

Part II
A week or so later we were in Walmart, back when I still thought Walmart was morally and socially responsible. (Pssshhh. :rolls eyes:) Katy came to me with $40 cash in her hand and said she found it on the floor. There was no one around, so she wasn't sure to whom it belonged. I told her I would let her decide to either keep the money, or turn it into the front desk so if someone asked, it could be returned. I reminded her what happened with the $100 in her purse, and I pointed out $40 might be someone's grocery money for that week.

She reluctantly decided to turn it into the front desk. Once we were a decent distance away, Katy commented to me in a very cynical voice that the manager would probably keep it for herself anyway. I said even if that's true, that's the manager's karma to deal with. I told Katy she did the right thing, and when you do good things, good things come back to you. She agreed, but I'm not sure she really believed me.

Part III
A couple weeks after Christmas we were in the mall once again shopping for a birthday gift for Katy's friend. We purchased a gift card and some piece of clothing, and I gave the bag to Katy to carry. We went to the food court to eat dinner before we left. It was the very end of the evening when things were beginning to close, so as soon as we were done we headed to the parking lot.

When we got in the car, I asked Katy to take the gift card out of the bag so we didn't lose it, and once again, Katy discovered she had forgotten the bag at the food court. I'm sure both of us were thinking about what happened with the $100 only a month before.

We rushed back to the table, but the bag was gone. Katy started crying. She was distressed that she was absent-minded, and frustrated that people would take things that didn't belong to them. I was completely annoyed because I couldn't seem to break this pattern of forgetfulness in her and I couldn't afford to replace the gift.

The bag was not at the management office, but we left our name and number just in case it turned up. I didn't have much hope. I told Katy I wouldn't replace the gift even if I could afford to because she had to learn to be more aware. She was mad because she didn't want to show up to her friend's party empty-handed. I told her she would have to figure out another solution.

This time I could not be so generous in my thoughts about the public either. I didn't want to set a bad example and I knew the fault was really Katy's, but I was completely pissed that there seemed to be so many dishonest people in the world. In my thoughts I wondered loudly what the hell was wrong with humans today.

The next day I got a call at work from the management office of the mall. They said someone had left a message about picking up a bag the night before that fit my description. I was so relieved! I also felt more than a little guilty for assuming someone had been dishonest.

I called the name and number I was given and a very nice lady answered. She said she was just leaving that night and saw the bag sitting on a chair. She had a daughter about Katy's age that was forever leaving her bag or purse somewhere, so she figured she'd do a good deed and try to find the owner. We chatted a bit about children and responsibility, and she gave me her work address so I could pick up the bag that afternoon. I then called Katy to relay the message and to tell her I was sure this was a little bit of instant good karma from the $40 she had turned in at Walmart. This time I think she believed it.

When we met, I thanked the lady profusely and offered her a reward, but she declined. She said knowing she had helped us out was reward enough. As I got back in my car and prepared to pull away, I said a silent but heart-felt thank you to the Universe for resolving this problem for me. I pulled into traffic behind a large SUV and the personalized license plate that met me right at eye level was - I shit you not: "HV FAITH"

I was astounded.

Update: Years later I still think of this story often. I've had many divine winks since then, but recently there was one that was almost like a follow up to the HV FAITH license plate. I was driving home from the store and I'd been having "one of those weeks." At least I'm better at keeping a good attitude now, but it can still be a challenge. Anyway, this SUV with a Virginia plate pulls in front of me (I live in California now so obviously the guy wasn't even close to home!) that said: B F8HFUL. It took me a minute to figure it out, but I realized it was "Be Faithful." The rest of the day was full of grins and giggles. :D

Being Here and Present(s)

Christmas, 2007

I know I haven't been posting much lately. I've had a lot going on and the new job keeps me much busier than the old one did, but I'm making up for it tonight so if you intend to make it to the bottom of this post, better grab a cup of tea and settle in.

Seems Death is the new black this season. Last Wednesday Jason, a friend of Katy's, killed himself. He was the boyfriend (sometimes ex-boyfriend, depending on the week) of Katy's best friend, Kat. I was shopping for some Christmas gifts in a basement store when I received the original call, but since the reception sucked underground it was dropped the minute I tried to pick it up. Seeing that it was Katy and knowing I had only just left the house, I went upstairs to street level to call her back to make sure things were okay. They were not. She relayed the message between sobs, and I had to ask twice to make sure I heard her right and understood who she was talking about. It's a very shocking thing to hear, even if you didn't know the person that well, and my organs felt rearranged - my heart blocking my throat, and my stomach somewhere around my knees.

I offered to come home immediately of course, but she said it wasn't necessary. Kat's mom was on her way over to pick her up and take both of them to Jason's parents' house. I don't think there is a more frustrating, helpless feeling than hearing your child crying on the phone (for good reason) and knowing it will take more than two seconds to get to her, and that you can't change anything anyway. She said there was really nothing I could do so we hung up and I stood outside the store a bit dumbfounded, trying to sort out my own emotions.

I called my mother under the pretense of warning her of the situation so that if Katy called her, she would be prepared, but in all honesty it was more an instinct of seeking comfort from the most familiar source in my life.

As I've written before, Katy's father shot himself in the head when she was six months old. If you've known someone that committed suicide, you'll understand when I say this event is not a surface wound for anyone touched by it; it cuts straight through to the soul and it leaves a mark. I was surprised my scars could be so easily laid open again, and although Katy doesn't remember the events surrounding her father's death it affected her greatly, so I couldn't imagine the hurt she must be feeling. I remember betrayal and guilt being the strongest tastes for me in the emotional cocktail when Joey chose to leave.

Jason was a good looking, nice kid with a huge grin that he wore easily each of the handful of times I met him. He was 20 years old, into rock climbing, and was engaged to Kat at one time (despite much parental disapproval, me included). He went to college in Colorado for a year, but I think he dropped out last semester. He came from a wealthy family where (I'm told) the parents were involved in their kids' lives. Not the kind of profile you normally find in a suicide.

He and Kat were not currently dating, but apparently she is pregnant with his child. I can see where that could put some pressure on a guy (one of the very reasons I didn't tell Joey about Katy), but I didn't get the impression Jason was the type that would make it the end of the world for him. What do I know though?

He wasn't without issues. I'd heard some tales of alcohol and drugs, and this was not the first bullet of impending parenthood he dodged. Still, he just didn't seem that unstable. Lash out? Yes. Run? Absolutely. Decide death was the only solution to the problems at hand? No way. I can't believe it. I don't want to believe it. I've had weird feelings about it being an accident, but my logical mind argues that I'm grasping at straws because I simply don't want to believe anyone can hurt that bad and not seek help, and that I couldn't have changed the outcome. How selfish and egotistical of me, but I guess I'm human. When I shine light on that dark corner in my head I also wonder if my thoughts are really about Jason or Joey at that point.

Jason knew about Katy's father. I think I'd even said to him and Kat once that if they ever had questions or wanted to talk about being parents at that young age, I'd be happy to tell them about my own experiences. It just hurts my heart thinking that anyone is feeling that kind of emotional pain. I've been down there, and there is no word to describe how much it sucks. However, even in my darkest days, when I toyed with some morbid ideas myself, I never came to the conclusion that my problems were worth dying over (and I reached that decision without the pharmacopeia I was offered).

The funeral was last Saturday and I actually felt like perhaps Jason moved on the day before anyway. Maybe it was just me that found some peace with the situation. I'm not sure where I acquired the belief, but personally I think after you die you spend three days reviewing your life and observing those affected by your transition. It probably takes that long for you to accept the change in circumstances yourself, and when you do, I think that's when your spirit moves on to other dimensions.

Katy has dealt with the events much better than I expected. One good thing that came of this is that she, too, has brought up and had to deal with some issues from her father's death. I hope those resolutions help change her perspective to a more positive one where Joey is concerned.

I am sad for those still sorting out the pain. There's just nothing you can do but offer your hand while they travel the road. I know how long it takes to heal that wound. It's not fun. I hope that Jason is at peace with himself now, and if he chooses to spend another lifetime here, I hope the information gained from this one was useful to his spirit.

So that's one story from this past couple weeks.

A few posts ago I related my concern with one of my chinchillas, Earl, having fur fungus. I've had him to the vet twice again since then. After his diagnosis of ringworm, he started having trouble eating so I thought perhaps there was a problem with his teeth. Dr. Welch checked them all and couldn't find anything wrong, but she said the front two were curved a bit funny so she trimmed them. I hoped it was something that simple and fixable, but my gut knew better. He stopped eating altogether a day after that, so I took him in again last Saturday. She put him under anesthesia and took some X-rays, which showed nothing out of the ordinary. You'd think this would be good news, but it's actually not because if you can't define the problem, you can't fix it. She had taken blood while he was under and sent it off to the lab for analysis. She said she would call me Monday with the results. Earl took a really long time to come out of the drugs, and I knew that couldn't bode well either.

Last night, just as we finished a big family dinner for Christmas Eve, I received the call. Dr. Welch actually looked my number up on the net to find me because there was no one at the hospital to get it for her. That's some dedication right there. She called because Earl's blood urea nitrogen (BUN) levels were through the roof. They should normally be around 15 - his were at 120. The bad news is this is an indication of kidney failure, and there is no saving him from it. I guess you could consider finding the answer good news, but it sure doesn't feel like it. I asked her what she would do in my situation, and she said she would put him down.

Earl seemed to perk up more yesterday and today (he was sleeping on my lap in the pic), and he even ate a little bit on his own and he peed, but I know it's only false hope. I don't want him to suffer, but when he's acting more like himself it's impossible to look him in the eye and feel okay about putting him down. My aunt once told me that no matter how many animals you have it never gets easier when it's time to let them go. I completely believed her, I've lived through it before, so I'm not sure why the Universe insists on driving this lesson home so relentlessly. I GET IT ALREADY. I've begged him to leave on his own, but he's a little warrior right to the end.

Putting Kiwi (my 14 year old iguana) down last year because she had cancer was the hardest decision I've ever had to make - and trust me, I've had some fucking hard decisions in my life. I held her and cried at the vet's office for two hours until they finally came and gently told me they were closing up and I had to leave, then I felt bad for keeping them, but not as bad as I felt losing Kiwi. At least she was close to the normal lifespan for her species though; Earl is only middle-aged. I prayed I would never ever have to make this decision again, yet here it is in all its ugliness. The outcome is the same no matter what I decide, it's just a matter of time and pain levels. Obviously I will not let Earl suffer, but how do you tell how much they're suffering and when is the appropriate time to put an end to it when these small animals hide illness so well?

I've researched animal kidney failure as much as possible on the net. I understand the medical aspects of it, and I've read personal accounts of dealing with it in pets. There's not a lot of information about chinchillas specifically, but I did find some, and this is a common problem with cats so I can make an educated guess at the effects on a smaller animal. I've appealed to friends, family, the Gods, the moon, the stars, inner voices, silence - anything or anyone that might have some guidance or offer some peace. It's still not easy. Nothing is easy right now, not even knowing that all this too shall pass and the Sun will shine again.

Gaaaaaahhhhhh. Life! GRRRRRR.

Ok, so something happy to wrap this up because I can't go to bed feeling like this.

Today was good despite the weight of my heart. (Writing has definitely helped.) I was excited to give Katy and Mark their gifts, and I think they enjoyed them. As much as I hate the rampant consumerism of Christmas, it's fun to see people feel joy and know you caused it. It was really nice to have the house so quiet - it was only the three of us all day. It was awesome not to have to travel. We slept late, opened gifts, had a nice dinner and played Dread Pirate (a board game we received as a gift) by the fire (which is still crackling a little over there).

We actually tried to go to the movies to see I Am Legend, but I had to walk out because it was too scary. I think I can count the movies I've walked out on with one hand, so that's saying something. It's more like a horror movie than action/suspense. I can't imagine what possessed Will Smith to want to do that movie. He doesn't seem like the type of person that would support that kind of thing, but whatever.

Mraz made a Christmas post yesterday all about the stars. I'd heard before the story of the Sun and how it relates to Christmas, although I can't remember if it was when we went to the Franklin Institute's planetarium this past summer, or if I read it somewhere else. It got me thinking how brilliant the stars have been these past couple weeks when they haven't been hiding behind our atmosphere's fluffy white blanket, and how crystal clear the air of Winter Solstice is. I wish I had the knowledge of how to capture the game of hide and seek the Moon has been playing with the clouds. It's been awesome to watch. I've poked my head out the door each night to stare upwards for a few minutes, watching my breath freeze and float away to rejoin the matter that makes up our world. When I have the opportunity to really stare at the night sky awhile, I feel so connected to everything. I just wish it weren't quite so cold so I could stay longer.

Beautiful as Solstice has been, I'm also grateful we're moving past it and the days will start increasing in length again. I miss the sun terribly, and I know the grey weather hasn't been helping me resolve any of the difficult emotions I'm dealing with.

Even I see this is one of those times when I sound like I'm contradicting myself, but Solstice has been all those things. Don't be confused. It's all true. :) The air has been both clear and cloudy, beautiful and dark, bright and grey. And there are things I enjoy about the cold (like a roaring fire and hot tea), but I miss the warmth coming from above instead of the alcove in our living room, or the depths of my down comforter.

Shit, 3:07 am. I'm going to be so dead tired at work tomorrow. I seem to always look at the clock at 3:07. So weird. 1:11 is another one of those times.

One more train of thought I must get down on virtual paper, though it will probably only make sense to me. When I was in the shower the other day my thoughts went from the stars in general to the middle star on Orion's belt, to the fact that a friend once told me that star is a gateway to other dimensions; then I thought about imagination, and how our brains could be a conductor between dimensions like copper wire is a conductor of electricity and how imagination would be the electricity, and perhaps it fuels our awareness like electricity fuels a lightbulb. I moved on to water and its conductive properties, to wondering if in the future we will discover that water is really a conductor of psi energy/chi (which would explain why my most profound thoughts always happen in the bathroom) and perhaps it is the key to why Earth exists as it does (Earth being held in our thoughts and made real to us) and why we seem so alone out here in the cosmos. We all know the water supply on Earth is dwindling, even if we don't want to admit it. Imagination seems to be suffering the same fate at the hands of TV and video. Barely anything is left to the imagination these days because kids are too lazy to think (or read), and parents are too lazy or self-absorbed to encourage them to do so.

What if, in the future, as the water supply dries up and humans stop developing their imaginations because we are told what to believe about everything and so many are lazy with their thinking, we discover water and imagination are the filters through which we're able to bring our thoughts to a tangible reality. (Remember our human bodies are made mostly of water!) Think how precious both water and a creative mind would be. Without them, our doorway (perhaps the star in Orion's belt) would close and our existence could melt back into the dimensions surrounding us; unable to be sustained separately as we see and experience it now. Perhaps this is what happened to Mars. Maybe it's not that life doesn't exist on Mars (or didn't an eon ago), it's just that their water supply dried up and their imaginations were suppressed to the point they were no longer able to hold the door open to separate their perspective from the Whole.

Hmmm.

Goodnight. Dream well and often.